Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Random Questions

Hey guys....I'm off in Ann Arbor today, so I thought I'd ask YOU some questions! I'll post my answers too, but please leave yours in a comment! Thanks!


1. What is your favorite sign of Spring?


For me it was to be daffodils. I just love seeing them popping up all over the place!

2. Did you remember to spring forward on March 14?


Yes I did, thank you very much!

3. If soil, time, talent and climate were no problem, what vegetable would you plant in a garden this year?

Broccoli

4. If soil, time, talent and climate were no problem, what fruit would you plant?

Peaches!

5. What is your least favorite insect?

I can't believe I really have to choose ONE...and although it is an arachnid, I will say spiders.

6. What U.S. state that you've never visited would you like to visit someday?

Montana. Without a doubt.

Alright guys, now it's your turn! What are YOUR answers? Have a great day...and if you think of it, shoot up a little prayer for me while I'm getting my treatment.
Have a wonderful day!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Winner of my First Giveaway EVER!!!

Well, I had my first giveaway ever. Not a huge turnout, but, hey, better for you that commented, right? Well, the giveaway was for Joyce Meyer's book The Confident Woman, and a DVD by Joyce Meyer entitled Be Confident.

And the winner is.......RACHEL from One Day At A Time!

For some reason I can't post pictures right now....so this is kind of boring!

BUT....go to Rachel's blog and tellher Congrats!

(And pretend there were all kinds of cool images on here!)

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Seriously. Really?

You would think that after 15 years of an illness (first symptoms) and 10 of those years being really sick, that I would just accept this stupid disease. That I wouldn't struggle DAY after DAY after DAY with what I CAN'T do. I guess part of me needs to be thankful for that part of my personality, because if I wasn't so stubborn and bull-headed I would have just given up and died. You've got to be determined to live through what I did. Because God can give you all the opportunity in the world with medical treatment, people praying for you, wisdom of doctors and counselors, but it's not worth a thing if you don't fight. God won't MAKE you want to live. He just won't. It's called free will people. And I'll tell ya. I'm not sure about in the hospital (since I was mostly sedated), but there have certainly been times since then where I was almost ready to throw in the towel.

So I thought I was well enough from 2 1/2 days of rest to go to Costco with Doug last night and eat out. Well, that was silly. By the end of dinner I was having trouble chewing and swallowing food. It hasn't been that bad in a loooong time. Today I feel pretty much like the stuff you find sticking to the bottom of your shoe after you walk through the city park or whatever. When will I learn. Probably never! I'm tellin' ya. Acceptance has not been an easy thing for me when it comes to MY limitations or hearing "no." I't's MUCH easier to accomodate others's limitation than my own. Stupid pride I suppose.

Anyway. This last exacerbation has just bummed me out. Wednesday night, I could not tell much difference in the way I felt then compared to the way I felt right before I was hospitalized ten years ago! Now THAT is frustrating. Like 10 years of treatment and medication and thousands of miles to Ann Arbor and hundreds of needle pokes...for that few days, none of it had mattered. And it made.me.sick. And the good news is that could continue to happen at any time until they find a cure, or unless God chooses to heal me this side of heaven.

And when I get this bad, it's like I go into complete "compartmentalize" mode. Like I'm consumed with staying alive through the MG crisis, and I can't concentrate on being a wife, or a mother, or a very good friend. I can't remember how to schedule things or cancel appointments and reschedule others because now I have to go to Ann Arbor. My other conditions take a back seat and I forget to take my shots or check my blood sugar as often as I should. I can't balance the checkbook or pay the bills, and yet all of this seems to need to be done during these times. Figures.

Anyway...don't forget to sign up for my first giveaway! Check it out here http://sickofmg.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-300th-post.html and sign up. Make sure I can somehow get your e-mail, whether you leave it in the comment or have your profile link to it.
Thanks, and good luck!

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Plan For Now

Well, I'm doing a little better. Wednesday was BAD. I couldn't hold my head up...I had two appointments, and Doug had to take me to the second one, and I had to lean my head against the wall while I talking to the doctor. Nice. He is a very compassionate man, though, and super nice. He's like, do you want to do this later (annual exam). I'm like, no, let's just get it over with. Doug had to help me get dressed and stuff. It was HILARIOUS though...you know how the gowns they give you are always "this much" too short, or don't quite close? Well THIS thing...I wrapped it around Doug after I had it on and there was still room for another person. I was like, DANG....Where did you get this thing?? Omar the Tent-Maker?

Anywho. My neck is doing better after a good day and a half of rest...Jacob started going to my dear friend Shawn's house on Wednesdays, and she took him yesterday also, so I could rest. It made a WORLD of difference! Thank you Auntie Shawn! I couldn't talk very well yesterday though. Ask Joanna how I sound after eating something cold...let's just say I literally carry a card with me that says, "I'm not drunk I have MG." I slur reeeeaaalllly bad when I get weak, or eat something cold, especially when I'm talking a lot (like when Joanna and I get together!) Today I woke up at 5:07 and couldn't get back to sleep, so we'll see what today brings.

Anyway. I digress. The plan right now is to do 3 plasmapheresis treatments in 9 days. So we'll be doing a 280 mile round trip (actually 2 of those will be more like 320 because we bring Jacob to Doug's parents) on Tuesday, Friday and the following Wednesday. If that doesn't snap me out of it, they will probably raise the prednisone. I'm so glad my doc didn't immediately go to that. He knows how I feel about it, and if possible he does what I ask...that's why he's such a good doctor!

So it will be a lot of driving, needles, treatments, weakness, blah blah blah. All that good stuff, but hopefully it will snap me back. They are checking with my insurance about the Rituxan. It works at a cellular level, literally stopping your antibodies from producing. It takes 6-9 months to take full effect, and it's.....(hope you're sitting down).....$15,000 per infusion. The treatment is one infusion a week for 4 weeks. Um, yah. Thank you, Mr. President, I'm sure I won't be getting that.

The neuro. nurse told me I had to remove all stressors from my life. I had to chuckle. I'm like, dude. I'm married and have a 3 year old, not to mention more than one chronic illness. Yah. No stress here. So....I'm asking for prayers once again! Thanks much.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

MG and Me

Whoever tells you this disease isn't progressive is full of it. Whoever tells you that there's no pain involved is full of it. I've been taking a medication called CellCept for 8 years now, and it's worked really well. I don't know if my body got acclimated to it or what. Although I WAS off it for 16 months with getting and being pregnant with Jacob. I think maybe that's part of it. Your body changes SO much when you're pregnant. Maybe what worked before won't work again. I don't think I'll ever get to the level of strength I had before having Jacob. I wouldn't change anything, because I can't IMAGINE my life without that child, but it was a huge physical sacrifice from which complete recovery is unlikely.

Plasmapheresis works well, but ideally I should probably have it once a week. Well, that's not practical when you have to drive 280 miles round trip, find someone to watch Jacob, etc. No hospital closer does in it my arm veins (peripherally), so I woud have to get a fistula, port, or quinton cath. to get it anywhere around here. I've had the quinton cath, and it's HORRIBLE. Ports and fistulas can easily get blocked or infected.

An easy solution is to go back up on the prednisone, and have my weight go up even more, have my bones thin even more, and give me more arthritis. But the MG might get better. There's a medication they just started using for MG called Rituxan. It's actually a chemo drug (you don't lose your hair) that they use for luekemia, non-Hodgkins lymphoma and rheumatoid arthritis. There are some crazy side effects though....like if you've ever been exposed to something horrendous (like TB, which I have been, shingles, etc.) it could come back en force. Or you could get some lovely new virus that your body is unable to fight off.

Don't you love my choices? I know, you really wish you could be me! One other option is to stop the CellCept and try Imuran. Been around forever. Kind of the Prozac of autoimmune drugs.

SO anywho. If you are a praying person, please keep me and this situation in your prayers, as well as my family. It's very difficult for Doug to be a full time boss, as well as a caregiver to me and parent to Jacob. Oh, and he's a husband. I completely get when he gets frustrated...I just don't think he gets my end of it sometimes. Like I told him the other day...it's not a lot of fun being me.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

More Random Letters

Dear Mr. Sandman,

Dude. It's the big, white farmhouse with the chickens and 2 ducks. And 2 rabbits. You seem to be hitting my husband, but missing me and the child. If you were up for review, it wouldn't be a good one. Can we work on our aim?? This not sleeping past 5 AM thing has got to stop!

Sincerely,
Fog Brain


Dear Mr. President,

Will YOUR family be using your new health care bill? That's what I thought.

Sincerely,
A Chronically Ill Person Who Already Hates Insurance


Dear U.S. Government,

Thank you oh so much for spending my tax dollars on (1) a letter telling me I will be getting a Census and that I must fill it out, and (2) sending me a postcard after the fact to remind me to fill it out.

You also really need to work on your grammar. Especially verb tenses. Just a hint: when you are asking a question that will be taking place in the future, you should use words like "going to", not "were." For example, when you asked me on March 17, 2010 how many people WERE living in my home on April 1, 2010...well...I guess I understand the literacy rate in this country now.

By the way, did you know that the first Census in 1790 cost 1.1 cents per capita? The cost in 2000 per capita? $23.09. Great job. In 2000, you spent $167 MILLION on advertising. What's the total for this one??

Sincerely,
Count Me OUT


Dear MG:

You are starting to tick me off. Why are you acting up so much lately? Stop rearing your ugly monster head and go into remission or something for crying out loud. If you were a person I'd punch you in the face. You're messing up my life and I hate you.

Sincerely,
Me

Monday, March 22, 2010

Huh?

Hmmmm......who lives HERE???


Looks like SOMEONE from the DOT had one too many before hitting the paint wagon!




Seriously?

This one HAS to be in front of a government building.


How the swine flu REALLY got started.

Finally....and here I thought the "children were our future!"








Sunday, March 21, 2010

Expectations

One thing that frustrates and saddens me more than anything is when people have expectations I simply can't meet. It breaks my heart when it is someone who should know me as well as I know myself. Someone who KNOWS what happens to me when I overdo it...

How many times must I defend myself? My breath is already limited, so how much do I have to waste on telling you AGAIN what my limitations are, when you already know?

It is so maddening.

When I was younger I felt like my dad had expectations I could never meet, since perfection was the standard. My dad has changed a lot, but now I have another person in my life doing the same thing. I'm sick when it's convenient for them. I'm FINE when they have to do something and need me to pick up the slack.

To look into the eyes of someone you love and see nothing but disappointment, when you honestly are doing your best....it's rough. Really rough. It just adds to the wretchedness of chronic illness.

I don't know what words I can say that will make you understand. I've tried and tried, but you always give me the same look of disbelief. The same condescending, negative shaking of the head. I want to slap you and cry and scream and FORCE you to live in my skin for a week. Hell, a DAY. To do what I do. I push myself so hard...for YOU....and you.just.don't.get.it. I will never meet your expectations the way they are now. Never. I wish you could just understand that. And that agonizes me. Why can't you just love and accept me the way I am? That's all I really want.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

My 300th Post!!!

Wow! I never thought I'd live to see 300! Hopefully this is the only 300 I'll ever see...I can't even IMAGINE being, like, 90! Anyway. I've been trying to think of something clever to do for this post, but it seems that all of my wit has temporarily left. (At least I hope it's temporary!)


So I'm going to do two things....I'm going to tell you 30 random things about me (and you can multiply them by 10, because I'm pretty passionate...plus it will spare you from reading 300 things about me!!)


The SECOND thing is that I'm doing a giveaway! More about that in a minute.

Okay.


1. Purple is my favorite color.

2. I went to private school my whole life, and would never put Jacob in private school.

3. I am home-schooling Jacob.

4. I am the youngest of 5 children.

5. My sister Michelle was killed in a car accident when I was 16 (she was 18), so now there's 4 of us, but we're all married, so it's kind of like 8 of us!

6. My parents have been married for over 50 years.

7. If I was a boy my name was going to be Glen. No offense to any "Glens" out there, but ewww!

8. I knew on the very first date with my husband that I was going to marry him.

9. My favorite job I ever had was working 2nd shift at Towne Air Freight as the PM Supervisor.

10. I was learning how to drive a semi when I had to leave my job due to my illness.

11. I'm usually in my pajamas when I blog. (hehehhe)

12. My middle name is Sue.

13. I'm a word nerd. My favorite book (other than the Bible) is my Synonym Finder. True Love.

14. I have never been out of the country, well, except Canada...before the whole passport thing.

15. I went to college in Indiana and graduated with a Bachelor of Science (I was going to put B.S. but that leaves the door open waaaaay too wide....) in Elementary Education.

16. I did a four year program in 3 1/2 years.

17. I could live on pizza, cheese, bread and chocolate. No problem.

18. I like spring and fall. Winter is too cold for the MG and summer is too humid.

19. The best trip I've ever been on was 5 1/2 years ago when Doug and I drove across the country to the Grand Canyon.

20. The Rocky Mountains are my favorite place on earth.

21. I've always wanted to be a foster parent who adopts kids that no one else wants, and have like 50 kids over the course of my lifetime. Can't seem to find anyone to agree with me on that one though...

22. Extreme Home Makeover always makes me cry.

23. I love writing. I'm writing a book about my life with MG.

24. I like to give more than I like to receive. Don't get me wrong, receiving is cool, but it's a rush to me whan I can give someone something that they really want or need.

25. Blogging has given me so much purpose...meeting people who really think I can make a difference.

26. I've worked in 3 different hardware stores, and as a pharmacy tech. during summers at home from college.

27. I've been married for almost 10 years.

28. If I had a super power, it would be the ability to fly.

29. I love to make people laugh.

30. Everyone reading this has a special place in my heart, and I really can't thank you enough for taking the time to read my stuff.


So.....(sorry if I have any guy readers....I guess if you comment and win you would give this to your wife!) The giveaway is Joyce Meyer's book "The Confident Woman", and also her DVD titled, "Be Confident." The giveaway will be open until Sunday, March 28. Just leave a comment to enter. Good luck!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Caregivers

I think that one group of people that is highly UNDER-appreciated and not valued nearly enough is caregivers. The people who take care of the people like me. Sometimes I don't need to be taken care of. Sometimes I do. And usually I do when it's not very good timing for my caregivers. One of the most frustrating parts of being a caregiver I suppose. Not much fun for the sickie either!

My husband is a great example. It seems that I need him most when he's busiest at work, or has a million things to do around the house. That came out the other day when he said some not-so-nicely-put things to me. I'll spare the details because I know he was super stressed. But it wasn't very nice. It DID however, bring about a great change...I think. Jacob will now be going to my dear friend Shawn's house every Wednesday. She has a daycare, but there's no babies, and there isn't like 20 kids. In fact, there is a little boy, an only child, Jacob's age. Perfect.

Being an only child can be rough too: I told Jacob he was going to start going to Auntie Shawn's next week and play with lots of kids.
Jacob: Will they be my FRIENDS???
Mommy: Yup.
Jacob: And I can play with them and they will be my friends?
Mommy: Yes, honey.
Jacob {getting out the knife, ready to stab Mommy's heart} So I won't be sad anymore?

UG. All of the air whooshed out of me. Lately Jacob has been crying and saying, "I just want a friend." Oh my GOSH talk about my feeling like CRAPOLA. Because of my disease, I take medication to suppress my immune system. Therefore, if I get any kind of sickness, cold, flu, whatever, I could end up in the hospital, even die. {One reason we are hone-schooling}.

Because I have to be so careful about germs, Jacob has missed out on a lot of stuff: nursery, play groups....and the fact that he is a thumb sucker doesn't help. He gets germs on his hand and there goes the thumb. But...I'm doing pretty well right now, mostly. So this will actually be GOOD, because Jacob will get to play with other kids, and I will get a day to myself, to go to the chiropractor, dentist, eye doctor, store, or just go home and rest!!

That Mommy guilt is right up there on the list of "Things I hate about MG." Hearing my baby so sad, knowing it's because of me....Breaks.My.Heart.

Anyway....If you are ill and have a caregiver in your life, cut them some slack when they get frustrated. It's an overwhelming job, especially when you also have a very busy full time job.

And caregivers: thank you. All we ask is that if you get frustrated, TALK to us...don't snap. Don't let the frustration build to a point where you go ballistic. Just talk about it. I promise we can figure something out.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Blown Away!!

THANK YOU.

Wow, you guys. I was (AM) so blown away by my day in the sun yesterday. I knew it would be cool, but it was AMAZING. Way beyond any expectation I had. I feel so.... validated!

I don't know why that is so important to me...but sometimes I feel like I blog in vain....that no one is really listening, or that it doesn't really matter. The kind, wonderful, supportive comments I got yesterday...I can't express my appreciation. I was on cloud nine ALL day!

One bummer was that one of my funniest stories (I think) didn't link correctly. So hopefully you will read it here....Dead Rooster

It really is a FUNNY story...unless you're a member of PETA, then you should probably skip it...

Again, THANK YOU!!! Yesterday is a day I will never forget. It may take a while, but I will get back to every.single.one.of.you. who commented. God bless you ALL!!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

It's My Day!!


WELCOME SITSTAHS!


I'm Kerri, and I am so excited and honored to be today's featured blogger! My dear friend Joanna introduced me to SITS, and I am blessed to have met some wonderful women in this journey called life. I'm sure I never would have come in contact with these new friends otherwise. It's fantastic. I love the concept of community, and the support that we offer each other.

For those of you who DON'T know what SITS is, well, you simply MUST check it out! SITS stands for "The Secret is in the Sauce," and their motto is "The Secret To Success is Support." It has been a real joy and privilege to get to know some very strong, encouraging, and HILARIOUS women. I started blogging a little over a year ago, and when I was introduced to SITS, my bloggy world really opened up. I still have SO many of you to discover, and I'm really honored that you are reading my blog!

So...welcome to Living With Chronic Illness. I have a chronic illness called Myasthenia Gravis (MG), a nueromuscular disease that I was diagnosed with several years ago. I started having symptoms in 1995, was hospitalized in 2000, and nearly died. Through God's grace and a lot of prayer, along with some really incredible doctors, I came back from the brink to get a LOT of my life back. You can read about MG and the symptoms I struggle with HERE.

I'm a holy-crow-I'm-almost-40 year old wife to Doug (aka McGuyver) and mom to the most precious, talented, intelligent, compassionate little boy on the planet, Jacob. He is truly a miracle!
So again, welcome, kick off your shoes, grab a cup of java and look around some!


I am a city kid, transplanted to the country, and it has taken me a lot to get adjusted. You read a tiny bit about that beginning here: Dead Roosters and Other Happenings

One thing that is very frustrating about chronic illness is well, that it is chronic! No matter how long you have it, while you "adjust", you never TRULY accept your "new" life. A piece of you always hangs on to the former...but there are ways to turn chronic on its ear: Chronic Living

It's so hard to pick 3 favorite posts...it's like picking 3 favorite flowers, or songs, or movies, or CHOCOLATE! SO...Here's kind of a multiple choice so you can peek at what interests you.

Life with MG is certainly not without its challenges, however. You can read about some of them in this post: Cursed Disease!


This blog contains more than JUST stuff about chronic living...since I am a city kid by nature, I've got some pretty funny animal tales. Check this out: Another Turkey Tale (NOT Gross)

A few more of my favorites:

Loss Comes in Many Forms Not people, and not keys or sunglasses.

Make Up Your Mind! Live on purpose!!!

Courage Surviving is harder than giving up!

My Name Is....... Illness.

Thank you again for stopping by. I will return all the comments I receive, even if it takes a little while. Thank you to Heather and Tiffany for this awesome opportunity to get the word out about chronic illness, and that you can live with it. I don't mean just live, I mean LIVE!

What is Failure?

If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you.You may have a fresh start any moment you choose,for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.-Mary Pickford

Sometimes I catch myself...."I feel like such a failure."

Usually it's when Jacob needs something I can't give him (physically), or my house is a mess and I just don't have the energy to clean it (like now!) Since we've been home from Florida, it's been a nightmare. The night we got home, Doug got sick. He was down for a week. So after taking care of my very sick Jacob for the last week of vacation, Doug gets a bug. So I'm already exhausted from Jacob, thinking I can get a break now because he's healthy and he'll want Doug more. Oooooh no. Doug is down and out, so not only do I have Jacob 100%, I have Doug to try to take care of. Then I get a cold. No surprise there, I suppose. Coughing then pops a rib out of place. Now THAT'S pain, my friends.

All I can say is (1). Thank GOD we weren't all sick at once. Seriously. Can you imagine????
(2) Thank GOD for Dr. Lu (my chiropractor), (3) Thank GOD for dear friends and family who helped Doug and I out with Jacob when my back went out, and (4) Thank GOD He gave me a fighting spririt.

When I read that quote this morning, it really encouraged me! I thought, well, I guess I can never really fail then, because I just don't have it in me to "stay down". God gave me spunk, that's for sure. So that same tenable spirit that enabled me to fight when I was physically dying is the same one that's keeping me going now.

That same obnoxious, bumptious attitude I had when I was younger that really annoyed some of my teachers and probably my parents, is the same fortitude with which I now fight my battles.

So I can say this to you my friends. I will not fail. If failure means lying down and giving in, I promise you that will never happen. I just don't have it in me. And I have God to thank for that, because that's the way He made me. He knew I would have this battle to fight later in life, and He gave me all that I needed to fight it from the moment I was conceived.

I could NOT do it alone, however. I need His strength to resupply that tenacity when I'm running low. I need my husband and son to encourage and love me through the hard times. And I need YOU, dear friends, to continue to spur me on, to pray, and to just be there. Thank you for that.

So I say to this day, to this week, to this life: BRING IT!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Interview with Myself

I subscribe to a blog written by Chris Guillebeau. I have not fully examined the depth of his blog, as there are many layers. I get a newsletter from his blog, The Art of Non-Conformity. His goal is to travel to every country in the world in 4 years. Whoa. Nothing like aiming high!

One of his recent newsletters really got me thinking, so I decided to use his questions as a series of blog posts. The first question is this: "Dear self, you are X years old. What do you have to show for it? Are you living the dream?"

Wow. Now THAT is a loaded question! My mind is spinning in so many different directions, because there truly are so many ways to answer this. What I have concluded is that the key to the question is my mindset. My point of view. Where my heart and soul are. A few years ago the answers would have been totally different....but today, this minute, right now...

I am 39 years old. I have a LOT to show for my life! First and foremost, I know the Lord, and am seeking to develop more and more the relationship I have with him. I've been a believer my whole life, but as I age, the relationship with God take on a whole new depth. So many facets.

I also have a successful 10 year marriage, and a beautiful, genuis child. Being a wife and mother is enriching, inspiring, exhausting, exciting, fulfilling, draining, crazy and beautiful all at once. These are the 2 best choices I have made in my life.

I haven't traveled the world, but I've seen a bit of this beautiful country. I've been to both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, the Gulf of Mexico, and Niagra Falls. I've seen the St. Louis Arch up close. SO cool! I've been to the Rockies, the Grand Canyon, New Hampshire and California. My favorite place is Colorado. We hope to retire there someday.

I've really, really lived, and I've almost died. I had a job I truly loved, and I was good at it. I made good money in corporate America from the ages of 23-29. I've been hospitalized for months at a time, not knowing if I was going to live.

I've loved, and I've lost. I have beautiful friendships, and a lifetime of memories.

Am I living the dream?

In some ways, yes. It's a different dream than I had 15 years ago, but I think this may be even better. I want to inspire people. I want them to know that with God, anything is possible. Going off my medication for the myasthenia gravis at 35 to have a child shouldn't have worked. Yet God blessed my husband and I with the perfect son, for us. I shouldn't have even been alive to try to have this child, and yet God literally rescused me from the brink of death.

I want to educate people about chronic illness, something I hope I do with this blog. So if I can inspire even a handful of people to live their lives, to really live...and to trust God in the process, no matter what...If people learn something new and treat someone differently (better) than they normally would because I have educated them in some way, then I will be living the dream.

The next installation of this self-interview will be: As you look back on your life, what are you most proud of, what do you regret, and how do you feel about each of those things?

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Letter to God

Dear God,

The sunshine this week was really cool. Thanks for that. Made lots of people happy. Thanks that my back is getting better, and my cold didn't get too bad either...You know how scary it is for me when I get sick. I know I need to trust You more in that area!

I guess what I really wanted to talk to you about is Jacob. God, that little boy can make my heart sing, dance, and break all at the same time. I look at him and think, how did this precious, innocent little being come out of the likes of me? But then I remember how YOU see me. That in Your eyes, I am beautiful and precious too. That You chose me. That You love me with a love that I'll never remotely understand.

But God, when I look at Jacob, and when I see him with someone else, specifically another mom, who is "normal" health-wise, who can pick him up and tickle him, and twirl him, or get down on the floor with him and play like most parents do....Oh, Lord. It's then that my heart just aches. Will that ever go away? I want so much for him. I know You do too, because He is your child even more than he is mine.

While I am so grateful for the amazing people you have seen fit to put in my life to help me...O, God, what would I do without them? I am truly so thankful....and yet my stupid pride is so jealous God. I don't want to be envious. I really, really don't. But lately it's become a real problem. I'm so envious of other people's health. I'm so jealous of what other people can do with MY son. I want to be doing those things with Jacob, Lord! I want to be throwing him up in the air and running around with him on my back giving him horsie rides...sitting on the floor and playing cars, or dinosaurs, or having elephant battles. But instead I feel trapped. Trapped up on the couch in this broken vessel, Lord. This worn out body. Looking into those big beautiful blue eyes and having to let him down once again because "Mommy can't."

Please help me with my attitude God. I so just want to be thankful for these wonderful people who help me out, PERIOD. I don't want the "but I wish I..." part. I don't want the negative feelings about myself and my illness. There is nothing I can do about it until you decide to heal me. Whether that's this side of heaven or not, I know that's not something You're gonna tell me right now. And I'm good with that. I just need Your help with a few other things then...like helping me to be content with what I AM able to do. Help me to focus on the positive in my life Lord, because there really is so much.

Thanks God. Thanks for always being there and listening, and always having my best interests at heart whether I even realize it or not. And most of all, thank you for the priceless gift of my son, Jacob. My life would never have been the same without him God. He is amazing. Thanks again.
Love,
Your daughter Kerri

Friday, March 12, 2010

New Look

Okay. So I decided I needed a new look for my blog. Maybe something a little more fancy. Something that may even require (gasp) a separate header. Well, seeing as how I am clueless when it comes to anything even remotely close to programming, I begged asked my BFF Joanna to help me.

She graciously acquiesed, and so the battle began. Let me clarify something. I want it to be crystal.clear. I hate anything that may possibly in any way, shape or form be construed as programming in working with computers. Just the phrase "html code" makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I equate it to getting my fingernails ripped out one at a time. I'd rather be waterboarded (I heard that's really not so bad...)

So Joanna was VERY BRAVE to come over and show me how to find a separate header for my background, and then use Paint to resize it and type what you want in it and stuff. It wasn't even totally terrible! She was patient, which is good, because I didn't want to monkey with it. I'm the kind of person where I just want to turn it on, have it look good, have it work correctly, and get on with it. Things I have to fuss with make me crazy. Certifiable, even.

So thank you my friend, for helping this technologically challenged pal o' yours make her blog all purty. Oh, and the Shamrock shake totally rocked as well! (Almost as much as you!!!)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Crazy Is As Crazy Does.....



So. If you question yourself about being crazy, does that mean you have the presence of mind to differentiate between crazy and sane, so you're not really crazy? Or does it mean, yup, you're pretty much nuts, so just embrace it. Always wondered about that.

I guess I just embrace it. Always been a little bit of crazy in me. Oh come on, you know there is in you too. Life would be FAR too boring without a little bit of insanity.

So as some of you know , I popped a rib out with my coughing from this ridiculous cold, and from being beat up in the truck in Florida. So my precious child is at my in-laws...he stayed over night last night, and he's staying again tonight. One part of me is whooping it up (immobiley, of course, since I cannot walk!) because I am the ONLY.PERSON.IN.MY.HOUSE. I can do what I want, when I want (well, sort of. I can sit where I want and watch or read or listen to what I want). But just to be able to catch up on computer stuff and reading! Oh, sweet bliss!!

And then 10 seconds later I'm bawling because I miss my baby. We are just never apart, which is why the above paragraph was written. I simply can't take care of him right now...I am barely keepin up with myself. Stairs are terrible. I couldn't do anything but get frustrated with him, and he'd have no fun here, and I KNOW he's having fun with Grandma and Grandpa and their dog Lucy. They go for walks...He's having a blast. But the Mommy guilt sucks.

He called last night because he wanted to talk to me. He said "I love you Mommy" about 6 times. That tiny, sweet voice in my ear...I thought I was going to melt right there. I know I need the rest, and I know he's better off. I just have to keep busy so I don't dwell on it. I need this rest and relaxation, icing my back, etc.

Anywho. My back is still reeeaaalllly sore, and I am still fighting this cold, so I can use all the rest that I can get. And it will be just that much sweeter when I see him in another day. Mommy loves you my precious boy!!!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

BACK Again

Do giraffes go to the chiropractor? I'll bet they need ladders if they do.

Well, my back is out again!!! Well, technically a rib. Have you ever had a rib out? Not so much fun, let me tell ya! I have this rotten cold, right? So I'm coughing my fool head off and last night I not only FEEL but also HEAR a POP in my back, along with an immense wave of pain. Like the electric-shock-all-the-way-up-to-your-head-and-down-to-your-toes pain.

I thought I could get up and go to the potty last night by myself after this. Doug was already sleeping. I got up, and almost went right back down! I was able to get to the chiro today, and he told me I actually coughed so hard and so much that my lowest rib on the right side came out. The muscles that surround it "protect" it by spasming. And SPASM they do. What a perfect word for what that felt like. Other than horrific.

So then, this kind, wonderful chiro (Dr. Lou, he's awesome!) beats the tar out of me with the sander (it's a massage tool, but it feels and looks like a belt sander). Having fibromyalgia is tough enough, but then go to the chiropractor, and have him push on all your pressure points to try to straighten everything that's been all scrunched up, bone wise. Oh, the agony. There's really no pain like it. Hard to explain.

The best thing is that my wonderful in-laws have taken Jacob for a couple of days, so I can rest, rest, rest. Ice, water, and anti-inflamatories for this girl. And rest!!! Hopefully then I'll be over this ridiculous cold as well! Ug. When it rains it pours!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Kiss My Grits

Well, I was going to say kiss my lilly white a$$, but I didn't want to freak anyone out. Too late. That comment would be directed to satan, the enemy of my soul. Things have gone to hell in a handbasket around here, and I'm sure he is just having a field day with that.

This is the dichotomy that is my life: My brain is normal. My heart and soul and mind are just as passionate and fiery and intelligent and loving and deep and exciting and adventerous and brave as they've always been. Maybe more so! My body is pathetic. It is wimpy and has no stamina. It betrays me. It mocks me. Physically, I am very different than I was 14 or so years ago. I used to be able to go, go, go. Now it's more like slow, slow, slow. I really can't explain the frustration of that. If you've ever had a broken leg or mono or something that has physically held you down for an extended period of time, you might understand.

It seems that ever since we left for Florida it has been one thing after another. Injury, sickness, arguments...and it's only gotten worse since we've been home. I'm thankful that the fight in me doesn't stop. It may seem to be on haitus at times, but it always comes back. I feel sorry for myself for a few days, and then pull myself up by my bootstraps and start kicking butt and taking names. If I did not have this fighting spirit, I would have died in the hospital 10 years ago. I promise you that.

See the thing is, I keep forgetting what the Bible says about who and what we fight. We DO NOT fight things of flesh and blood. (Ephesians 6). We fight against the powers of darkness. Sorry if that freaks you out, but it's true, and you need to know it so you'll know how to fight.

So to that ba$tard the devil: you will NOT win. I may be down but I AM NOT OUT. I may be upset, but I AM NOT BROKEN. You may be able to gain a tiny victory in a battle or two, but let me promise you that I WILL WIN THE WAR. God has not left me nor forsaken me, nor will he, you lying, conniving SOB. Now you've gone and pissed me off, so YOU better start watching YOUR back. My Savior has already beaten you into the ground, and I'm about ready to get out my tap shoes.

Greater is HE that is within ME than he that is in the world! (I John 1:4) You have lost.

Friday, March 5, 2010

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Verizon,

You mean to tell me when I have FOUR bars out here in the sticks, your remote computer isn’t responding? Well, FIX IT!

Sincerely,
Unsatisfied Customer
P.S. Ok, you fixed it. Thanks.

Dear Mr. President,

Obviously your stimulus package is NOT working. Wasn’t it supposed to like, fix roads and stuff? Have YOU traveled on the major interstates of this country in the last, say, month? MmmHmm. That’s what I thought. Stimulate THIS.

Sincerely,
A NON-Democrat, UN-supportive-of-the-whole-let’s-print-our-own-money-and-call-it-stimulus-thing American

Dear Mr. Sandman,

You keep missing my house. Mapquest has is wrong. Do I need to send you directions AGAIN? We could all use a little sleep, especially the toddler, cuz when HE sleeps, we’re all pretty much good. So could you please check your GPS and try again tonight??

Sincerely,
Sleepless in Michigan

Dear U.S. Post Office,

What part of “PLEASE DO NOT BEND” are you not comprehending? Oh, you had to cut back because of the economy and illiterate people are cheaper to hire because they can’t read their contracts either? And you’re run by whom again? Oh, yeah, the GOVERNMENT!

Sincerely,
Bent

Thursday, March 4, 2010

A Few More Florida Memories

Here are a few more pictures of our Florida trip. I'm sure there will be more stories to come, as some of the horror fades...: ) It's just bizarre how things turn out sometimes...and it can be so tough to come back from something that disappoints you. I'm not just talking vacation here. People, pastors, churches, spouses, children...whatever. Disappointment to me is the most bitter of emotions. I'd truly rather be slapped than disappointed. But alas, life goes on. Here are a few beauties!


An amazing sunset. Reminded me of God's creative genius!

This is one of my favorites. The Atlantic coastline. Being from Michigan, you just don't see water like this, even at the Great Lakes. It was so simple: beautiful...peaceful...stunning!

The flamingos at Homosassa State Park. Gorgeous!


Getting dressed to go snow skiing, I mean , fishing! Brrr!!!

You really can't see much but the swelling, but there's a red curvy line and then purple down into my toes. This was the foot that rammed under the door in the bathroom at my mom's. If you're scratching your head, read this.
And if you REALLY want a laugh, read about the seagull.

Good thing I have a sense of humor!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A Good Day in Florida

First of all, I'm SO behind on reading up on everyone's blogs....I will catch up! With a sick hubby and very busy, albeit a bit whiny child....a million loads of laundry (I know how you feel now, Joanna!!)

Anywho...I got all my pictures downloaded and "fixed" from Florida....this is a memory I will treasure forever...Jacob's first experience with the Gulf of Mexico.Checking out that sand between the toes....







Hitting on the ladies.....





Making "snow" angels! I laughed so hard...









Playing "you can't catch me" with the waves



Giving in!

Priceless.