Raw

I am telling you...today is probably THE hardest day yet with this cast on my broken foot.  I'm trying to be all like, yeah, there are GOOD things about having a broken right foot:  1. A pair of socks lasts twice as long.  2. When you go on vacation you only have to take all of your left shoes.  3.  You can't cause a car accident driving because you can't drive. 4. You're REALLLLY hard to kidnap because you're 100% dead weight, including the cast!

But today?  Today I'm just angry and frustrated and just plain mad.  Pity, party of one, your table is ready.

Those of you who know me at all know I am a Christian.  What exactly does that mean?  It means that I believe there is One True God, and THE only way to get to heaven to live eternally is through His Son Jesus.  There is no other way. You can't be good enough.  You have to believe that Jesus died for your sins and you need a Savior, and you ask Him to be that Savior.

I want that to always be enough.  I want to be like Joni and always have a smile and always praise God for my suffering.  I want to praise Him through the storm.

But I'm going to be 100% real with y'all.  Right now?  I just can't.  It is the most beautiful day outside.  THE perfect day to go for a walk.  But I can't walk.  It's seriously gorgeous out.  We have the windows open.  It's 64 degrees, blue sky, and sunshine. 

Doug has started ripping things off the walls in the dining room, painting, etc., as we redo this place and get it ready to sell.  I can't help.  Even if I try, I'm just in the way with this honkin' scooter and cast.  Our door openings in this house are NARROW.  Like NOT ADA accessible.  It was built before 1900.  The scooter takes about an acre and a half to turn around.  Even though I'm feeling SO much stronger from using the IonCleanse, I still have Myasthenia Gravis, and my upper body strength has NEVER been good.  Muscling around with this scooter, trying to lift-and-spin because I DON'T have adequate turn-around room.

I can't use crutches to save my life.  I'm afraid if I used those on a regular basis I'd break something else.  Monday I go to the doc to find out if I have to have surgery to get this foot fixed...if I don't, 4-5 more weeks with the cast.  If I DO... 6-8 weeks.  No weight bearing.  It's brutal. 

I know people have it worse than broken feet.  I know I'm being a baby.  But I just wanted to be real.  I post a lot of stuff about God, and being a Christian, but just because I AM, doesn't mean I don't struggle.  Do I think God is still in control?  Of course.  Do I believe God has a plan for me in all this?  Yup.  Do I wish He could have done it in a different way?  You bet I do.

So on this first perfect day since we've been back from vacation, I'm a frustrated, bawling mess.  I know God never leaves me and when I feel this way it's because I've turned away in my struggle.  I'll get back to where I need to be... But today... Not so much.