Too Much

Yesterday another friend from one of my online MG support groups passed away.  She went to work on Friday.  Saturday morning she sneezed.  She aspirated into her lungs.  She started vomiting from coughing so much, and aspirated that.  Was flown to a trauma center where she was intubated and put on a vent.  Her heart stopped 3 times.  No neurological activity.  She died less that 36 hours after the sneeze.

MG KILLS. 

Too much sorrow in this world.

Two people I know just found out they have cancer.

I just want it to stop.  It's too much.

Brain Overload

There's a concept called 5-minute Fridays in the blogosphere. You're supposed to write for 5 minutes, unedited, un-proofed, no fixes, etc. I'm terrified to do it. You will all come to realize how very close to crazy I really am!

I read these very poignant, beautiful poems and prose that the women who participate in 5-minuted Fridays write. It's amazing. There aren't any typos either! I'm like, really? Me, unedited for 5 whole minutes? They do give you a topic, but my brain is like spaghetti. One string leads to another, and another....I start talking about friendship and end up talking about my Aunt Ethyl who had a hip replacement before I was born. (I don't have an Aunt Ethyl, by the way).

So, I'm doing a mini-version today, just to see what it would look like. I'm going to set my phone watch for like 3 minutes, and see what happens. The topic is: Chronic Illness. (I know, BIG shocker!)

START:

I hate chronic illness more than I hate anything else in my entire world. It stinks. It's lonely. It's isolating. I just sent a prayer request to a few people that I know and love, and who will love me no matter how ugly I am inside OR out. I'm having loneliness issues right now, and having a hubby with the emotional quotient of a mushroom doesn't help. (Hey it said unedited). So I'm thinking, I just need prayer. I have to ask people to pray for me. And I did...at 2 AM when I couldn't sleep because all I could think about was how lonely I was and how my hubby's words of wisdom didn't exactly sit well. But he was right, really. I mean, who wants to give up their weekend and come sit with a sickie? People have lives. I understand that. I really do. But I want one. That's my problem! I want to be normal. Sort of. I just want to have some semblance of a real life where I can be sort of independent and go and do things that I know others can do. And I want more friends, like I used to have. Friends to go out with. But my stupid disease stops me from so much.

STOP

Okay, that wasn't so bad! Three minutes, and probably a million typos. That was about 72 words per minute, not counting errors. I don't know if "they" deduct from that or not. Do you ever wonder who "they" are anyway???

Anyway. I'm really excited about a bible study that I got that isn't even released yet, that I get to review. I'm not sure if I can say what it is or not so I won't for now, but let's just say I think it's exactly what I need right now.

To be truthful (do I know any other way??) I'm really struggling. I need an accountability partner. One who is tough, but won't make me cry or anything. I can be kind of...umm.... I'm not sure what the word is...let's just say I have a big personality??? I need someone to speak straight with me. But not someone too close. Any suggestions? I need to stay in this Bible study because I have a commitment to review it. I'm hoping that will get me in the habit of it anyway. It's a 10 week study, and it's supposed to only take 21 days to form a new habit. SO....

I've got so much I need/want to work on, but that needs to come first. I have to get out of this dumpy schlump I've been in (Yes, schlump is a word) and get back to kicking butt and taking names. Now if I can just find my butt-kicking boots.....

Oh, and P.S. My OCD wouldn't let me NOT fix the typos in my 3 minute unedited rant. SORRY!

What About Obligation?

So I'm talking to my counselor yesterday about how overwhelmed I am, and how exhausted I am, and since Doug is sick there's more I have to do, etc.

He suggested making a list of what I do, what I love to do and what I'm good at. I'm like, well that's easy...but where does obligation fit in here?

He looked at me like I asked a question in Hungarian. What obligation do you have? he asked.
I was like, um, cleaning...cooking....laundry....putting my dogs out...feeding them...taking care of my child...

Okay, so let's add a column for things I HAVE to do: like put the dogs out (technically I don't HAVE to, but I'm not cleaning up after them so...), feed and clothe Jacob, meet his needs (not all his wants, at least I've got that part down!)

Aren't there still obligations in life? Am I not obligated to TRY to take care of my house? I make all the phone calls and all the joy that goes with scheduling things for all of my doctors (who seem to keep growing instead of compacting!) I pay the bills, I do the budget...half the time I give Jacob his baths....the other day Doug had to go to the doctor (which NEVER happens) and Blackie jumped in the stupid duck pond (for which we have no longer have ducks.)

So after Jacob's bath, I knew I'd have to give Blackie one, because he stunk, and Doug wouldn't do it when he got home because a. he doesn't care if the dog stinks (he works at a poop plant, and says he can't smell it, so obviously I'M the better smeller of the two of us!) and b. he's really sick and doesn't have the energy.

FRUSTRATING. The only things that get sacrificed are the things I want to do, and according to my mental health expert, those are the things I SHOULD be doing to retain some semblance of sanity. (My words, not his...he hasn't checked me into the funny farm yet...although I think he's seriously considering making reservations. If he doesn't, maybe I will!!)

So what do YOU think? Do you have obligations? How do you handle them if you have chronic illness? Since we have a car payment now we really can't afford to bring anyone in to help, but because Doug has a great job we make too much to qualify for "help" of any kind.

Ug. Please let me know how you do this!!!

Serenity??

Serenity. Tranquility. Peacefullness. Even-temperedness. Cool-headedness.

Yesterday I was told I needed the Serenity prayer. I'm going to a counselor and yesterday was all about me and anger. I have been so angry lately. So easily overwhelmed.

Tim made a good point: If you have a scale of 1 to 10 on the stress in your life, most everyone wakes up with a zero. They don't wake up wondering if today they will be able to function. If they will be able to fold that basket of laundry or be able to take care of their child.

So when I get up, I'm already at a 6 or 7, just being me. Isn't that lovely. (Some of you who know me are going Mmmmmm-hhhmmm! I KNEW that girl caused stress!) Just kidding. But really, what he said made so much sense. If I seem to be jumping down people's throats at the drop of the hat, it's because the dropping of the hat was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. That one last drop you think you can squeeze into the glass before it spills over.

But that drop...that one tiny drop that in and of itself is nothing! It's No. Big. Deal. Insignificant. Unless you are already so full of drops that one more just puts you over the edge. I am not an angry person by nature (well, not anymore!) I'm fun. I used to be fun, anyway. I like people. I want to be part of society. I want to in the mix, part of the group, ya know?

But many times I can't. And those are big drops added to my glass. So when the power lines are making lightning in my tree, and I'm setting up for a garage sale and my dog pees on something for sale....when Jacob is being particularly difficult and my TV freezes for the 13th time and my computer isn't working.....I overflow.

I need to focus on what I CAN do...and accept what I can't. And try to change what I can. ERGO, Serenity Prayer: (or the first part of it anyway)

God grant me the Serenity to
Accept the Things I cannot change, the
Courage to change the Things I can, and the
Wisdome to know the Difference.