Letter to God: Faithful

Dear Lord,

I feel so lost.  I've always been a "do-er"...a Martha, I suppose.  Type A, always doing something.  Right now though, Father, I'm just lost.  I was sitting here thinking of what to say, and I am brought back once again to Romans 8:26-27. 

 26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because[a] the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."

The last time these verses were so prevalent in my life was almost 19 years ago when I was told I could have a terminal, degenerative disease that would slowly and painfully end my life.  You led me to this Scripture then, and you're leading it to me now.  I don't even know how to pray, Lord.  Thank you for Your Holy Spirit who intercedes on my behalf.

You know I've never been good at being still, or at not knowing what's coming next.  Now, not only do I have no idea what's coming next, I'm *forced* to be still because I cannot even WALK let alone DO anything.  Yes, Lord, I'm angry and frustrated.  I know You can handle that.  I don't like not knowing my future.  I don't like not knowing how long I'll be stuck in this blasted cast, in the house, even in this state. 

But You know God.  You Know. And that HAS to be good enough right now.  Help me really GET that.

In Jesus' Name.

*                 *                      *                      *                           *                          *

This song by Carrollton is SO my heart right now.  Please read these beautiful words.

"Even though I cannot see where You're leading me
I am Yours, and You are faithful

It's another day in a worn out life
With nothing lost and nothing gained
And I can't make it on my own
And that I know will never change
So my hope is in You
My trust is in You
And You have never failed

You are faithful to provide
You are always by my side
Even though I cannot see
Where you're leading me
I am Yours, and You are faithful

So why do I still try my ways
When all it brings is doubt and fear
Lord help me see, help me believe
In You alone I persevere

You are faithful to provide
You are always by my side
Even though I cannot see
Where you're leading me
I am Yours, and You are faithful

My hope is in You
My trust is in You
And You have never failed
So I will lay down
All of my fears now
Cause You will never fail

You are faithful to provide
You are always by my side

You are faithful to provide
You are always by my side
Even though I cannot see
Where you're leading me
I am Yours, and You are faithful 

I am Yours, and You are faithful

I am Yours, and You are faithful"

Time Passes On

“Don’t let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.” Earl Nightingale

I suppose I could have changed this quote to something a bit more personal: I won’t fear the time that passes just because I have an incurable disease. The time will pass anyway; I might as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

Even though, praise God, I am doing so much better now (except for this blasted sinus infection!), there are still so many things I wish I could do.  There are even more things I want very badly to do, but because of Myasthenia Gravis, I am not able.  But you know what?  I’ll never give up.  I’ll never give in.  I feel like I might as well try to do something good with my time; it’s going to go by… whether quickly or slowly, it will pass.  So why sit and pout and be miserable?

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have my moments.  Ask my husband.  I have a pity party now and again, and I suppose I “boo-hoo” from time to time.  But I’d like to think that overall, my attitude is primarily positive.  You see, I have HOPE.  If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here. Yes, you read that right.  I would NOT be here on planet earth any longer if I didn’t believe there was more.

“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.’” John 11:25 NKJV

So if I die, how can I live?  Seems a bit oxymoronic, doesn’t it?  But friends, it is true. There is no truer truth in the entire world. Because of Jesus’ sacrificial death on the cross so many years ago on a hill called Golgotha, when I die in my physical body, I will finally and truly be alive!  I will be pain-free, perfect, healthy, and never shed a tear again.  Oh, Glory!  Do you understand that?  Do you KNOW Jesus?

He has changed my life.  Living with a debilitating, chronic, neuro-muscular disease is not a lot of fun.  There are many times I’m not happy. But the JOY that lives in my heart! Oh, the joy!  Beloved of God (and that’s YOU, yes, you….anyone reading this!) I am able to have joy and peace in my very soul because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God gave up His one and only Son to die on a rugged cross so that I, so that you, might live forever with Him.  All we have to do is choose to say yes to His incredible offer of hope!

“They shall neither hunger anymore nor thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any heat; ¹⁷ for the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” Revelation 7:16-17 NKJV

Please read that again. God Himself will wipe every tear from your eyes.  That is heaven, my friends.  That is what we get to look forward to. Thank you, Jesus.

“And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, ‘Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴ And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.’
⁵ Then He who sat on the throne said, ‘Behold, I make all things new.’”  Revelation 21:3-5

Hallelujah!  Again, God is saying He will wipe our tears! Do you know what that means to someone like me who lives with chronic pain? With many, many tears?

In the Old Testament, the tabernacle was the earthly house that God lived in.  In the book of Exodus, God gave Moses and the Israelites very specific instructions on how to build it. Because the Israelites were traveling through the wilderness, this large “house of God” was able to be moved from one place to another while the people traveled. But not just anyone could go into the house of God.  Specifically, the Holy of Holies, where God's presence literally dwelled, was only accessible to ONE man: the High Priest. 

So in Revelation 21:3 we read that the tabernacle of God (His home) is now with MEN! God Himself will dwell with us!  He will be with us. He will be our God. And He WILL wipe our tears.

I have had this disease called Myasthenia Gravis for over 20 years now.  I was 25 when I had my first symptom. It has taken a lot from me.

A LOT. 

But one thing it can NEVER take from me is the hope I have.  Hope for a future, in heaven, with God…

Pain-free.

Perfect.

Healthy.

Whole.

The Rescue by Jim Cymbala: A Book Review

Lawrence.  Timiney.  Rich.  Robin. Kaitlyn. Alex. Toni.

These are the seven people that you will meet in the book The Rescuer by Jim Cymbala.  I have not previously read anything by this author, but if this book is any example of his work, I might just find something else of his to read!

In, The Rescuer, Jim Cymbala tells us the first person stories of these seven individuals.  These are ordinary people with ordinary lives, who found themselves in extraordinary circumstances, whether at their own hand, or at the hand of another. They dealt with things like disease, addiction, alcoholism, the victim of rape and sexual abuse among others.

And all of these people have something else in common other than their troubles; they needed help, and they needed it now.  Desperate people, desperate for a Rescuer.

Robin is the granddaughter of Jewish emigres who now live in Brooklyn, NY.  Although her father was never really in her life, her grandfather raised her until her mother remarried.  While Robin was in high school she started experimenting with alcohol and drugs; that behavior continued in college, and then one day her parents called telling her that her grandmother had a heart attack and she needed to come home right away...  I don't want to say much else because I don't want to ruin the rest of her story.

Toni's story will break your heart.  But I promise you'll want to see how it turns out.  If you've ever struggled with heartbreak, addiction, sexual abuse, illness, this book will encourage you and inspire you to hang in there until Your Rescuer comes through for you.

You can purchase this book on amazon HERE
Or at ChristianBook.com by clicking HERE

I hope you check this book out.  It's really, really good, and it's a quick read.
I did receive a free copy of this book in exchange for my fair and honest review.

Today is Monumental!!

Why, you ask? Well, it's Martin Luther's birthday.  (No, not Martin Luther King, just Martin Luther. If you don't know who that is, ask a Calvinist. LOL) That's lovely, but that's not why this day means SO much. 

And, on this day in 1943, Japanese troops evacuated Guadalcanal, which ended the epic WWII battle on the Solomon Islands in the Pacific.  But that's not it either. 

On February 9, 1951, the St. Louis Browns signed pitcher Satchel Paige, aged 45.

But what is REALLY significant, in MY life, on THIS day??

It has been ONE YEAR since my last plasmapheresis treatment!!!!

Now if some of you don't know what plasmapheresis is, let me tell you.  (Warning, if you're squeamish, skip to the next paragraph!)  I used to have to go to the hospital two times, a day apart, every four weeks to have pheresis.  They would stick a large bore needle (like the size of a fork tine) into each arm.  Out of one needle they would draw out 150% of my blood volume, and run it through a machine (like a fancy centrifuge), spin out my plasma, add albumin synthesized from human plasma, and put my blood back into my body.  I have had this procedure done over ONE THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED times in the last 17+ years.  Yes, 1,400!  If you're never had this, or dialysis, or anything like this, it's truly hard to imagine how hard this process is on your body.  And I had to have it that often just to *function*.
You can read more about plasmapheresis HERE.  (At the time of the post I could go *maybe* up to six weeks, but my function would decline.)

So how on earth have I managed to go an entire year, when normally I would have had at LEAST 26 of these treatments, you ask?  Let me tell you!!!  I was blessed, absolutely, 100% BLESSED to be part of a small, private, *INFORMAL* study by Debbie Norman with a machine called the IonCleanse by AMD.  (Click HERE to see the results of the study.)  Debbie asked ME to be part of this study.  The Lord led her to ask me, I just know it.  Well, I DO know, because I had the chance to meet her and ask her why!  Jacob said, "So we're going to meet the lady who gave you the keys to the lock to open the door to the rest of your life?"  Sigh.  I LOVE that boy. 

I thank God every single day for this machine that has transformed my life.  My miracle.  I cannot thank Debbie enough for listening to God's whispers when it came time to find participants for the study. God is GOOD.

So what is the IonCleanse by AMD you ask?  Well, it is an ionic footbath. Mmmm-hm.  That's what I said.  A foot bath.  You put your feet in a tub filled with good ol' tap water, put something called an array in the tub, connect it to the computer (machine) and plug it in. YES, we're talking water and electricity here.  That is why I can ONLY recommend the IonCleanse by AMD.  It has a 100% safety record, and it has been tested, and tested, and tested.  You can buy a knock off made in China for a LOT less money, but there is NO oversight, NO testing, NO safety record, and it's basically a glorified battery charger.

I. have. gotten. my. life. back.

Did you get that?? I got my life back! What dollar amount do you put on getting your life back??? I would have paid 10 times the amount!! I can drive to an appointment an hour away, with Jacob, go to the appointment, drive an hour home, and still be okay. For many of my 20 years with Myasthenia Gravis I could not drive at all.

I can walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes and not get out of breath.  I used to get out of breath going to the bathroom.

I can do laundry.  (Aren't you excited for me?!?)  I can vacuum.  The whole house. I can take off and put on sheets on my queen size bed.  BY MYSELF!!!! These may be trivial, monotonous chores for most folks, but if you couldn't do any of that for over 15 years???  Not even put one load of clothing in the washer?  You would understand what a big deal this is for me.

Last summer, for the *first* time since my son was born over 11 years ago, I looked at him and asked him where he wanted to go to do something just for fun.  I had NEVER been able to do that before in HIS entire life. My eyes tear up just writing this.  I've always wanted to be a mom...Always.  And I struggled raising him.  I struggled every. day. of. his. life.  

Until the IonCleanse.  HERE is the link where you can find out more information. I'll tell you right upfront it's expensive.  It's about $2000.  They have a 60 day, 100% money back guarantee if you're not absolutely enamored with this machine.  I noticed after about 6 weeks (well within the 60 day guarantee) how much better my depression was!  I had a teeny tiny hope that the IonCleanse would help with that, but I was resigned to having horrible depression my whole life. That's a whole separate post, and I WILL post more about this, but I don't want this to become a book. (Not right now anyway 😏 )

There is also a payment program that you can sign up for when you call IonCleanse by AMD.... It's kind of like rent-to-own. The people at AMD are amazingly helpful, and they all speak English!! AMD (A Major Difference) is an American company.  Just one MORE reason they are awesome! It's not like you call and get "Bob" from Pakistan to help you.  You may even talk to the President of the company!

Anyway.  I just wanted to share my amazing, happy news, that I have been able to go an entire year without the traumatic experience of getting all of my blood sucked out and put back in my body.  I am prayerfully hopeful that I will never need it again.

Thanks for reading and sharing in my joy. God is GOOD!

Even If

There are two incredibly powerful words in the English language:  Even If.  Think about it.  At a wedding, we hear vows that say the husband and wife promise to love each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, and in sickness or in health.  You could substitute "even if" here...

A man promises to love his wife even if things get bad.  Any things.

A woman promises to love her husband even if they lose all of their money.

They promise each other that they will love each other, be there for each other, promise to support one another even if one of them gets sick.

You know, many people don't take their vows seriously.  In the instance where one of the married duo gets a chronic illness, the divorce rate is 75%.  Three out of four marriages involving chronic illness end in divorce.  All marriages.  Christian marriages.  No one is exempt.

Sometimes in life, we need to think about the "even ifs" before we commit to something. You can't go into a marriage thinking, "Well, if it doesn't work out we can always get divorced."

NO.  That should not be an option.  If you picture worst case scenario with your future spouse and think of *anything* that would be a deal breaker, save yourself a lot of trouble and just say no.

It's not easy.  It's against basic human nature to choose to be uncomfortable.  To go against the flow.  To "fight city hall" as it were.  But some things are SO worth it.  Like your marriage.

Another thing that's totally worth investing wholly in is God.  I speak from experience here...God has bailed me out so many times in this life.  But there are times He hasn't.  And that's when I have to choose. I want to be like Daniel, and say, "'King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand.  But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty,  that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.'"  (Daniel 3:16-18NIV)

Wow.  Just wow.  Daniel and his 3 friends were in a foreign land, facing a formidable opponent.  They were being threatened with being thrown into a furnace.  A furnace so hot that the people opening the doors could drop dead from the intensity of the heat. But their commitment to God was so strong, and their faith so unwavering, that they dared to say, "Even if."

There is an amazing song on the radio right now by this very name.  It's by Mercy Me.  Here are the lyrics of the chorus:

"I know You're able, and I know You can, save through the fire with your mighty hand, but even if You don't, my hope is you alone.  I know the sorrow and I know the hurt, would all go away if You just say the word, but even if you don't, my hope is you alone."

Amen and amen.  When that song comes on, I belt it out as loud as I can.  I plead with myself to remember every. single. word. God IS my hope.  He is the only reason I am still on this planet, and I will cling to to Him.

Even if.... I'm never healed of MG this side of heaven.

Even if.... He never answers my prayers for more children.

Even if....

Even if.

Are You a Water-Walker?

“Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear….”

When I see Jesus doing something miraculous, do I accept it for what it is?  Or do I make earthly excuses?

²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
Jesus immediately tells them not to be afraid.  Is that what I hear?
²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
²⁹ “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

What is my “wind?”  What is yours?  Do you doubt God’s faithfulness to you?  Do you doubt God will do what He says in His word He will do?  Do you wonder if God really is who He says He is?

I say, “I’ve got bills to pay!”
“Take courage,” says Jesus.

I say, “I’m tired of being ill, and I’m scared of suffering!”
“Don’t be afraid,” says Jesus.

I say, “But I’m so alone…”
“It is I,” He says.

³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Why DO I doubt, Lord?  I have seen so many miracles in my own life, let alone in the lives of others.  I know you will never leave me or forsake me!  I know Your promises are true…and yet…

Forgive me Lord.

³² And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ³³ Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:25-32.

When Peter saw Jesus walking on the water, he first thought He was a ghost.  Peter told Jesus to tell him to come out on the water, if it was indeed Him.  So Jesus said, “Come.”

And to Peter’s credit, he got out.  I’m not sure I would have done that much! But out he goes.  And when he’s looking at his Savior, he walks. on. water.  He WALKS on water! We’re talking wind-tossed, wavy, unfrozen water.  And Peter’s walking ON it.   

That is, until he looks at his surroundings.

When we encounter difficulty, do we immediately start to sink?  Or do we fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith?

I challenge you to remember the One Who Walked on Water.  He can give us that amazing ability to be a water-walker too!  But we have to stay focused on Him. 
Circumstances mean NOTHING to Jesus.  He is beyond time.  His power knows no limits.  Our situation is not too difficult for the Resurrected Son. He is bound by nothing. 

Except our disbelief.

In Real Life

In real life I am a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a great-aunt, a child of God, a writer, a scrap booker, and a patient.  Not PATIENT, A patient.  As in medical patient. While I try to do what I can and then some, while I try to ignore who I am, I cannot.

That's me, in real life.  I WANT to be different.  I want to be healthy and have 6 kids and homeschool them all and go to the park and climb hills and breathe well every breath.

But that's NOT me, in real life.

In real life I have to contend with
bills,
appointments,
an 10 year old who doesn't always understand sickness,
judgment,
budgets,
doctors,
medications,
side effects,
cooking,
cleaning,
laundry,
and trying to live every day to show God's love and hope.

In real life I get sad and depressed at times and wonder why.  I try not to dwell, but in the realest of realities it's impossible not to wonder.  Not to say, "If only..."

But instead, I CHOOSE to say, "Even if:"

EVEN IF I am not healed this side of heaven, I will praise the Lord.

EVEN IF I am never in remission from this hideous disease, my life will go on.

EVEN IF people laugh at me for struggling, I will forgive.

EVEN IF I have an incurable disease, I WILL also have incurable HOPE.

EVEN IF I have limitations and weaknesses, I will choose to live STRONG.

EVEN IF I need help and no one comes, I will still help others.

In real life, it's about how you act.  It's about what you DO that really matters.  You can spout trite clichés and tell people you're sorry and that you're praying for them, but what are your actions saying?  In real life, that's what matters.

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:16-18

Lost Relationships

Sometimes it's so subtle you don't even realize it's happening...until one day, you wonder when the last time you talked to so-and-so was.

Other times, communication just flat out stops. Sometimes you even reach out for a reason when a person just suddenly, completely stops talking to you.  And they never give you the time of day again, let alone tell you what you did that caused them to just shut off. And you know it’s happened again.

Another relationship lost.  Succumbed to “busy-ness”, or work, or distance, or something you can’t even explain away.

There have been studies on animals (I'm not saying they're right or wrong, so don't go all PETA on me....I'm just making a point) where if an animal is abandoned at birth, and is not touched by another being...animal OR human, they will die.  As in, never-take-another-breath dead.

I saw on CNN a couple of years ago that people who have less than 1.5 (not sure how you get the .5 part...) "face-to-face-real" friends, as opposed to Facebook, twitter, etc., shorten their life span by 8 years.  These "friends" are people you talk to almost daily, people you see on a regular basis, people you get together with and do things with.  They had some psychiatrist specializing in socialization on there, and he said isolation is as dangerous to people as cigarette smoking.

Wow.

I guess I'm in big trouble. I *did* just start a Bible study with my friend JoAnne, and that is beyond awesome!! Thank God for her, or I’d be in super-big trouble!

I know people have lives.  I get that. I can get really busy with homeschooling, writing, just plain life. But I'd like to think that I'd make time for others. If I were healthy, I'd like to think that I would get out and visit people who can't get out themselves.  I'd like to think that Jacob and I would visit people in the hospital, and people in nursing homes, and people in prison, and people with chronic illness who just need some cheering up.

I’ve always wanted to volunteer at soup kitchen, or work at food pantry. It’s always the germ factor that gets me.  As I have said before, people with Myasthenia Gravis (MG) have to be very careful about getting sick.  People with compromised immune systems, like me, don’t die from old age.  We die from a cold that turns into pneumonia, which can lead to being intubated on a vent…So any kind of cold germ is very dangerous.

As a matter of fact, my sweet MG friend Rachel got the flu that her son brought home from school.  That turned into an infection, and yesterday she was hospitalized in ICU with a bi-pap machine helping her breathe. It’s very, very real.

I DO live in the middle of nowhere, and there's nothing I can do about it.  We can’t afford to move, and Jacob and Doug LOVE it here, so I’m in the minority. And that hampers a lot of people from coming out.  Especially in the winter, which I totally get.

When I saw the study about people with mostly “social media” –type friends, I have to admit, it kind of threw me. It made me realize what I already knew in my heart to be true: real people, real, in-the-flesh friends, are vital to living.

Thankfully I now have 2 ladies whom I see on a regular basis…one of whom I mentioned above, and another lovely, godly woman who has been faithfully coming to my house every other week for several years now.  What a blessing!  What a godly example of visiting the sick! And I have another friend who comes over maybe once a month. 

I encourage you, if YOU are in need of some face-to-face “real” friends, please reach out.  Please. Don’t stay isolated and alone.  Reach out to someone…anyone. A local church or youth group, a family member, and old friend… Just don’t let your computer or your tablet or phone take the place of flesh and blood.  It really isn’t the same thing.

And if you KNOW someone who IS alone, who is isolated for the majority of their waking hours, please go visit them.  Call them up, send them an email; how you get a hold of them isn’t important.  Tell them when you have some time, and ask them what you can do for them.  You may never fully realize the gift you are giving them.

^"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:23-25