Swimming Upstream

photo courtesy of ulc.org

That's me.  Swimming upstream.  Going against the flow.  Fighting my way through. Sometimes it gets really old…but I’ve been doing it pretty much my whole life.  I’ve never been one to just join the crowd or choose something just because it’s “popular.”  In fact, I may do the exact opposite; choose something because it’s NOT popular.  When I was younger anyway. (No strong will here!) Ha!

But there are times when going against the norm is just plain difficult. 

Homeschooling.  Sometimes I feel like I'm "this" close to sending Jacob to school, but I just CAN'T.  Not just because of the germs either. You see, having a chronic illness like Myasthenia Gravis means that I have to take medication to lower my immune system, which means I am immunosuppressed.  That means that I get sick more easily than the average person, and we all know how elementary school is basically a large petri dish.

People with MG don’t always die “just” from MG. But don’t you believe for one second that people don’t die from it…I can give you far too many names of those who have. However, sometimes, they die from complications caused by the disease. For example, I knew a young lady who went from aspirating her breakfast (breathing something into her lungs/airway) to the vent to cardiac arrest and death in 48 hours.  She had MG, but had been stable until that incident.  It can happen “that” fast.

It’s not JUST that.  There are so many things I just don’t need him to know that he would learn at public school.  And, (I’m not just saying this because I’m his Momma…I’m also a teacher by trade) Jacob is just so smart....he would be bored out of his mind in a “regular” classroom.   But it's just not healthy to be around your child 24/7/365. 

People give me grief about homeschooling.  “Why don’t you let him go to school?”  He IS going to school.

“Why are you afraid of public school?”  I’m not afraid, thank you very much.  I’m mostly annoyed with it because it teaches things I don’t believe in, and I don’t need my 10 year old son to even KNOW what marijuana is, or have to turn down a cigarette from a 12 year old.

However living where I live, (in God’s country, for sure)… there is a lot of isolation. 

Feeling alone emotionally. 

Physically, for sure.  Mentally.  Parenting.  Discipline. It's tough right now, let me tell ya.  It’s tough to homeschool if you’re 100% healthy.  Add chronic illness into the mix, and it’s really quite hard.

I know other people have it much worse.  MUCH worse.  There are a few people in some of my MG groups online who are MUCH sicker than I am, and have other horrifying personal things going on.  I know that I have to keep my chin up. 

Jesus told us that in this life we would have trouble. 

  

“A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:32-33

 But He also told us that He would never leave us or forsake us.

^8” The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8.

That’s one of my and Jacob’s memory verses.  See, we can DO that in homeschool.  My son knows the Word, and has since age 5.  He has dozens of Scriptures already memorized.  Yes, he learns a lot on Wednesday nights at AWANA. But he learns just as much at “school.” 

Jesus wasn’t much of one for “following the crowd.”  And I suppose if that was good for Him, it’s certainly good enough for me.

Lost Relationships

Sometimes it's so subtle you don't even realize it's happening...until one day, you wonder when the last time you talked to so-and-so was.

Other times, communication just flat out stops, and you know you've been shafted again.

There have been studies on animals (I'm not saying they're right or wrong, so don't go all PETA on me....I'm just making a point) where if the animal is abandoned at birth, and is not touched by another being...animal OR human, they will die.

I saw on CNN the other day that people who have less than 1.5 "face-to face-real" friends, as opposed to facebook, twitter, etc., (not sure how you get the .5 part...) shorten their life span by 8 years.  These "friends" are people you talk to almost daily, people you see on a regular basis, people you get together with and do things with.  They had some psychiatrist specializing in socialization on there, and he said isolation is as dangerous to people as cigarette smoking.

Wow.

I guess I'm in big trouble.

I know people have lives.  I get that.  I can be busy too.  But I'd like to think that I'd make time for others.  I'd like to think that I would get out and visit people who can't get out themselves.  I'd like to think that Jacob and I would visit people in the hospital, and people in nursing homes, and people in prison, and people with chronic illness who just need some cheering up.

I try....I put myself out there.  I ask.  I invite.  And all I ever hear is "If you didn't live out in BFE...."  And that really bothers me.  Because I DO live in BFE, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.  But just because I do, that means the whole world just gives up on me? 

People always have excuses reasons not to come over.  Or "hang out."

And then I get to see on facebook or hear about the fun they have with other people...and how they've been hanging out and it's been so much fun.

Nothing like adding salt to the wound.

But I pick myself up, put on a happy face, slap on some make-up, put up my hair, and....sit around.

So not so full of sunshine and roses today....But I said a while back I was done censoring myself.  So there you have it.  Me in all my glory. 

Isolated

Isolated: 

Solitary.         Separated.   

Alone.                                                                               Detached.  

                         Lonely.


 Sequestered.  

                                            Insulated.                                                                 
                     Exiled.  
                                                                                         Concealed.   


                                                       Forsaken.


 Forgotten.    

This is how I have felt many, many days in the last 6 or 7 years.  

Out of sight, out of mind.
"We'll be praying for you," they all say.
And I'm sure they do.
And I'm thankful they do.
 
But sometimes...Sometimes, I need to see a face. 

I need to hug a neck.

I need to be hugged back.

I need to know I matter. 

Chronic illness is a life altering thing.  It is not prejudice.  It has no favorites. It can strike anyone, at any time.

Live your life TODAY.  No one is guaranteed anything else.  Why live your life worrying about "what if?"  "What if" may never come.

Today is here.  Live it.