Sounds from the Farm (and some thanks)

To even believe that I really live on a farm is taking a step of faith for those of you who knew me “before MG.” Some things are so priceless, though, I had to share them. The city slickers will have to just use their imaginations… : )

Last night Doug went out to feed the chickens and change their water, collect eggs, etc. I peek out the window, and see Doug, carrying his wares, Moose tagging along, and 18 chickens madly running to keep up with my husband’s long stride. If you’ve never seen a chicken run, it’s hilarious. I mean belly-laugh-oh-my-gosh-I’m-going-to-pee-my-pants hilarious. As least for us former city slickers!

This morning, at the crack of dawn, I wake up. The dogs have to go outside and go potty, so off we go. I remember people always saying they move out to the country for the peace and quiet. Peace, yes. Definitely. Quiet?? Not so much. The first thing I hear is a cock-a-doodle-quaaack quack quack quack quack. I just had to chuckle. Then, I’m taken aback by the frogs and crickets…SO loud! The birds are swooping and chirping and singing, I hear sheep baa-ing (okay, now THAT’S a word). Ya know, what really surprised me about sheep is how LOUD they are! They almost sound like cows!

Then I hear this crazy, warbling that I believed to be a bird of some sort. Maybe a “I’m not a morning person” bird, or maybe just a bird with something rather large stuck in its throat. Anyway. All of this was in about 3 minutes while I stood outside waiting for the dogs. (Didn’t want to go up the steps twice with how I’m feeling!) But again, a little blessing in the mess…I wouldn’t have stood out there to notice all the cool and crazy things that go on at daybreak on a farm. And I’m so glad I didn’t miss it! (Everyone who TRULY lives on or works a farm is laughing at me...you slept past daybreak???? We're DONE with chores by then!)

So I’m off to Ann Arbor today. Doug and I are now thinking that Dr. Teener may change my medication. I’m on CellCept, which has been a miracle…so I’m a little wary, so please pray for wisdom. I think he would put me on Imuran, which is to MG what Prozac is to depression. An oldie but a goodie, I guess.

Thank you Shawn, for taking Jacob yesterday, and making sure we were okay before you left to continue on with your busy day. Thank you Leigh and Barb, for coming to pray with me. I felt a calm come over me when you’re were praying that I know can ONLY come from the Lord. It completely changed my mood and attitude. Thank you for caring enough to come over and pray. It meant a lot. Thank you to all my other dear, dear friends, who even though you have your own struggles, you continue to pray me through mine. I love you all.

Ug.

Hey all,

Not doing well. Waiting to hear from neurologist. Need to figure out what's going on and fix it! Arms and legs super weak...head heavy...go to Ann Arbor tomorrow and Monday for pheresis. Doesn't seem to be working right now, which kinda freaks me out, because that's always been my fix.

Please pray for wisdom for my doc (Dr. Teener) and that I am no anxious about being in the hospital if that's what I have to do.
Thanks.

Broken

So I'm doing this Bible study with Joanna called No Other gods. Whoa. This is not a lightweight, no sir. It is a heavy-hitter! That is, if you WANT it to be. I have found, as I'm sure many of you have, that something is only as "deep" as you want it to be...but I am going deep, because there are issues in my life that need gutting.

That said, listen to this quote from page 64 of No Other gods regarding
God's "brandy of beauty:"
"A healed relationship or person can reflect more glory than one who never knew brokenness."

Okay, I thought. Broken doesn't necessarily mean pulverized...then I looked it up in the dictionary. (Yes, I'm a "word nerd," I love doing this.) Broken: 1. NO LONGER WHOLE in two or more pieces e.g. after having been dropped or hit with something hard.

Um, yah. Have you ever dropped a glass bowl? It shatters in a million pieces! (Especially on a tile floor, not like I would know anything about that personally...) Ahem.

My favorite book (next to the Bible) is my Synonym Finder. Why they don't just call it a thesaurus I don't know. Anywho...I checked out broken, and here are some synonyms:

Shattered. Smashed. Crushed. Mangled. Pulverized. Ruptured. Torn. Damaged. Destroyed.
I will tell you a few things my friends, first of all, I'm pretty darn sure that all of us have felt one of these words in our lives...maybe recently. Maybe as recently as last week...maybe, right now.

Second, always remember that with God: "We are hard pressed on every side, but NOT crushed; perplexed, but NOT in despair, persecuted, but NOT abandoned, struck down but NOT DESTROYED." II Corinthains 4:9

Once again, the WORLD'S definition of something and GOD'S definition are completely different. The world says if you are broken, you are destroyed. GOD says, if you are broken, HIS glory will be revealed. HIS STRENGTH will be made perfect in YOUR WEAKNESS. He is making you a new creation...He loves you too much to let you grow complacent.

I am preaching to the choir here, folks. I will be the first to admit that I stumble under adversity. This last year has just been a doozy. But God knows that sometimes when I am on the mountain top, I get lost looking at the view, and not reflecting upon that which put me on the top. So He keeps giving me the "valley view" until I get it. I'm not sure that I will ever COMPLETELY get it...I mean, come on, what fun would that be? : }

Lest I digress, let's get back to the quote. Did you ever wonder what our purpose was on this earth? Very simple. To glorify God. Some people I know can do that in an amazing way without have to go down the wrong road, or without suffereing. Most do not. "A healed person or relationship"....that doesn't necessarily mean physical healing, but it certainly could. How magnificent when a believer goes to the doctor, only to find that the cancer that was there IS NO MORE? That is GLORY, my friends. Much more than if that person never got cancer in the first place?

However, God can reveal His glory in the same way when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and do it with HIS Strength! If you knew of someone that God healed of cancer, it would be a huge WOW factor. And God would get HUGE glory. But for how long? Would we forget like the Israelites seemed to forget so quickly that God parted the Red Sea for them? But what about the person who quietly walks through their disease with God, day after day, moment after moment, constantly reflecting Him? (And I'm soooo not saying that's me, because there's not much quiet about me! I go along, but many times kicking and screaming!!) : )

Now on to a reallllly sticky subject, but one very close to my heart. Does God SEND disease? I believe He does. This is one thing I know more than anything else in my being: GOD WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BRING YOU CLOSER TO HIM.
And I mean whatever. Some things He allows to befall us, but I truly and completely believe that other things He Himself sends to us, so that we can grow closer to Him, and so that His glory will be revealed. Some of us (and I mean ME) are so stubborn we don't get the more subtle hints and need the "big guns." And when this happens, my friends, you will never be the same again.

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Off To Ann Arbor I Go.....

Well, poop.

Things just aren't getting better! So. I will be going to Ann Arbor tomorrow, as scheduled, and then next week Tuesday and Friday, and the following Monday (19th, 23rd, 26th, and 29th). If I were an inpatient, they would do a treatment every other day for 10 days. This will be four in 11 days, and for living 150 mils away, not so bad. It's going to be a long couple of weeks, lots of driving, but thank GOD for 2 sets of grandparents who are not only willing, but also LOVE to take care of Jacob. Still, it's financially a booger, with gas being what it is...it will probably be between $160-$200 for 4 trips. Add to that the info from the dentist yesterday, that I need TWO crowns (after not having a cavity for 10+ years!) of which OUR portion (after maxing out our insurance for the year) is $565.00!!! Yeah, I can just poo out $1000.00. No biggie. WHATEVER.

But I'm not stressed. Nope. Not at all.....(does anyone else hear those voices?!?!?!?) ; ) Sometimes I almost think being committed would be easier...ALMOST...

I know most of why the MG is flaring...due to stress. It is so hard to be a good mom when you're healthy. Dealing with what I do, then raising an almost-3-year-oldI-can-do-it-myself-but-it-will-be-a-stressful-nightmare-for-Mommy-to-clean, pick-up, live through, whatever. Plus I would LIKE to have a life...like going to Bible study, and oh yah...what's that other thing called?? Church! That's it!

I know, I know...I'm being a wee bit sarcastic....Joanna must be rubbing off on me! {wink wink}

I'm having symptoms I haven't had in a long time....daily double vision...trouble breathing and swallowing my pills. I haven't had that since it went away finally after I had Jacob. Makes me a LITTLE nervous. My only options for additional treatment is more pheresis...my veins have to hold out, or I will have to get a fistula (which I DO NOT want)....they are painful and prone it infection. They like to do that only if the veins don't hold up. I'm on the maximum dose of Cellcept before the damage to my liver and kidneys starts to outweigh the benefits of the medication. Because the MG is flaring so badly and I'm so stressed, my fibromyalgia is worse, and every little spot Jacob touches (let along digs those tiny little elbows in) is excruciating. Seriously. Unless you experience it, it's hard to explain.

And yet the tune going through my head right now is, "I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, I will sing....I will sing....With my mouth will I make known, His faithfulness, His faithfulness, with my mouth, will I make known, His faithfulness to all generations." Hmmmm, now THAT'S a God thing, cuz that's NOT what my natural mind would be thinking!! Maybe I'm screaming for mercy and that's how the Holy Spirit is allowing it to come out! ; )

SO...please keep me in your prayers over these next few weeks, as well as Jacob, Doug and our parents....it's a lot of coming and going, shuffling Jacob, crazy meals, eating out, etc. Let's just say Subway will be seeing us a lot the next 2 weeks!

I'm trying very hard to stay positive and be encouraged, but man, is it tough!!

Remembering

Last night we went to my mom and dad's to visit one last time with my brother Mike, who is here from California. My sister Deb and my Aunt Dee {my favorite aunt} were also there. We had the best time! We all had dinner together, and after dinner went into the living room and just talked. We got onto the topic of when I was in the hospital in 2000 when I was very, very ill. We kind of went back to the first symptom 14 years ago, and remembered the long journey to this point. Some of it was really painful, some thought-provoking...I got all verklempt to say the least! We laughed, {you would have too if you heard some of the things I said under the influence of very powerful amnesiacs! I might not believe it myself if I didn't have some of it in my very sad, very weak handwriting!} I cried...I'm not sure if my brother had ever heard the whole story...and as I was recalling it, I remembered how many miracles God did in my life during that time.

In September of 2000 I was so ill. I could not walk more than 10 feet without resting. My skin was yellow. My face was void of any emotion. I couldn't breathe, I could sleep, I had panic attacks all the time. I had a sleep study, and an ABG done (arterial blood gas). The carbon dioxide level in my blood was higher than Jacob's had been when he was on the ventilator in the neonatal ICU! And I had just quit working 2 weeks prior to this.

The doctor put me on oxygen, and I literally got stoned. I got high on OXYGEN! My brain was so deprived of oxygen, and the carbon dioxide levels in myblood were so high, I shouldn't have survived. My aunt is a nurse, and she came right out and said last night, there is "no way, other than a miracle, that you were ALIVE at that point, let alone functional."

And that was the first of many. While I do have SOME memory issues and I don't feel quite as sharp as I used to be, I don't have any brain damage from all that lack of oxygen. Then in the hospital I got staph pneumonia...the list goes on and on.

While it was difficult to relive some of this, I've been thinking all day about the following Scripture passage:

"Now the Jordan is at flood stage all...during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge,the water from upstream stopped flowing....while the water flowing down...was completely cut off.

So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground. When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua, "Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan from right where the priests stood and to carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight"....

Joshua...said to them...'each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.'"
Joshua 3:15-4:7

I NEED to remember those times. That is a HUGE part of my testimony! God didn't tell Joshua to have them take stones from one side of the Jordan or the other, He told them to take the stones from the middle of the Jordan. From the exact place where God had perfonrmed the miracle that saved their lives, again (they had already crossed the Red Sea on dry ground). In a way, my trach is my pile of rocks. People see me today and don't really understand how I ever cold have been that sick. Other than my husband, family, and a few friends (and my old friends on facebook!) very few people in my life NOW know what I have been through. We have to talk about the things God has done in our lives, or how will anyone know what He has done? I mean, people can read the Bible and learn about God, all the things He's done and the miracles Jesus performed, but NOTHING speaks to the power of God more than a personal story. Some folks don't think that God still does miracles today...some think the Bible is a nice story, even a good history book, but don't REALLY understand that God is alive TODAY!

We MUST remember. And this is ONE time we need to OPEN our mouths, and talk.

SO MUCH on my mind....

Sometimes it's hard to straighten it all out. I'm not even sure how to put everything I'm thinking into words....fears, insecurities, appreciation, disappointment, gratitude, thankfulness, realization....the only thing I AM sure of is that God is on the throne, and He ain't going anywhere! Sure am glad I'M not in charge.

I finally started writing my book. I've had the opening line in my head for about 8 months now, and I've been talking about writing one for years...well, I finally started. I really don't know what I'm doing as far as structure...I've never been good at formatting stuff, I just write. I'll have to have someone help me on the specifics of all that. I guess that's what editors are for??

I'm completely bummed that I missed the beginning of summer Bible study last night. I had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. (Well, I would have if my name was Alexander...) I guess it wasn't THAT bad. But it wasn't great. I woke up groggy...Wednesday morning, Jacob decided to wake up at 5:30. Nice. Wednesday afternoon my mom, dad and brother came over and had dinner. It was awesome, but I was SO tired. So yesterday I was super tired, and a helper came over for Jacob, and Jacob was just NOT in the mood. He was ridiculous.

I started getting a horrible headache... I tried to rest in the afternoon while Jacob napped...I couldn't sleep, of course... But I rested...got up feeling even worse. I do feel a little better today, but I'm still really tired. We're going to my mom and dad's tonight for supper to see my brother one last time before he goes back to California. What a visit...I'm SO glad he came. It has meant a lot to all of us...

Anyway...hopefully I can rest and start feeling better....no pheresis until next Friday. Maybe that will help....

Book Review

WHooo-Hoooo!!! Holy-Amazing-Book, Batman!!!

If you are a woman, and if you are married or engaged to be married...this book is a MUST READ in my opinion. It is called "For Women Only...What you need to know about the inner lives of men" by Shaunti Feldhahn. Holy smokes. It's been out for a while, so many of you may be like, you're a day late and a dollar short, kid. But for those of you, like me, who hadn't heard of it or read it....WHOA!

I can HONESTLY tell you that within 2 days of starting this book, my marriage had improved. All because of the change in MY thought process toward my husband. It's that amazing. The author did two professional surveys on a bunch of men from all backgrounds...married, single, church-goers, non-church-goers...and the results were remarkably similar. For example...I used to think that "romance" to men meant one thing: sex. The question asked on the survery asked men IF they took sex out of the equation, what would be more romantic: a candlelight dinner, sunset on the beach, etc., or getting out and "playing together," i.e., hiking, fishing, etc. The third option was that neither was romantic. Only 2% said neither was romantic. Fully 39%, a huge minority, said they thought romance was getting out and doing an activity together. The majority of men, 59%, thought a dinner by candlelight was romantic. Most men, however, also made the comment that a romantic evening doesn't feel complete without sex...you have to read the book to get all the nuances of that statement; otherwise I'd be typing for days!

So why on earth do they not do these things for us??? In another survey question, nearly half of the men who answered were unsure that we would like their romantic efforts. So, ladies, if your man attempts anything close to what you think HE THINKS is romantic....REWARD HIM! Tell him how much you appreciate it. And communicate! Tell him what you think is romantic... gracefully. Don't give him a directive, give him a hint.

Really, this is one of the best books I've ever read. The insight it gave me regarding the "inner lives of men" has almost completely changed what I think about how men think. And that includes my husband. Five stars on this one, girls. Pick it up!!!