Maelstrom. Vortex. Confusion. Chaos. Turbulence. Life.
I tell ya. I KNOW there is a God, because the simple truth is, if there wasn't, I wouldn't be here. He, through His strength, His faithful followers, His mercy....I read a quote a while back that really stuck with me.... "It takes more courage to suffer than to die." Well isn't that the truth?!? I never thought of myself as particularly courageous. (I'm kind of a wimp, truth be told). When I read this I thought, Wow...I do have courage...because dying would take MUCH less courage. To not fight. To not struggle or strain. Giving up really is the easy thing, isn't it?
That's why I'm glad that God gave me a stubborn, bull-headed personality, and the will to fight. I'll fight about whatever I believe in, and I won't give up until the last breath is ripped out of me. That fight has kept me going more times than I can even tell you. Sometimes it's not even conscious, because everything in me is saying "Just give up. It's not worth it." Yet deep inside, the spirit will not cave.
For example, even in the hospital, when I should have been dead...medically there was no reason I lived....I was quite heavily sedated, yet I fought. If I did not have that quality from my Creator, I would not be here.
There are many days, like today, when I'm just tired of it all...But God just won't let me give up. I guess there's more I have left to do...I think of Job...if He can do it, I suppose I can as well.
Please keep me and my family in your prayers. As hard as it is for me, I'm sure it's tough on Doug and Jacob too. Jacob may not yet realize that Mommy is different, but he will. And Doug has been forced into the role of caretaker since 6 weeks after we got married. Thanks...