Friday, November 12, 2010

Still Hangin' In

Well, my last post (before Veterans Day) was a real upper, eh? I was not in a very good place. I've been dealing with a lot of grief lately, but not realizing it. I figure, it's been 10 years, I should be "used" to this, or it shouldn't bother me anymore.

Well, it's NEVER going to NOT bother me, because it's not the way I was made. I was fearfully and wonderfully made, and knitted together in my mother's womb (Psalm 139). Myasthenia gravis is a crippling condition, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Unless and until I fully comprehend that, I am going to struggle.

I am not just a physical being. I have a mind. I have a soul. I have a spirit. And everything is effected by this wretched disease.

I thought that grief was like a checklist: first you're in denial, then you're angry, then you bargain with God, then you're depressed, then you accept it. Well, it's more like a labyrinth than a ladder. It's not a straight-up-the-pegs-go-through-it-once-and-you're-done-kind of thing. It's more like a crazy, twisted maze that starts you off in one direction, then spins you in another, only to find yourself back at the beginning all over again.

My latest setback was the realization that barring direct act of God, I will not have any more children, neither biologically nor by adopting. Several things have lead up to that decision, which I'm not quite up to sharing yet. All I know is that the hole in my heart seems so big and so consuming, that I feel as if I'll never recover.

I always wanted a lot of kids. I NEVER wanted an only child (no offense to only children, it's just a personal thing). Doug is an only child and it is immense pressure. I never wanted that for my children.


It's not fair. But it is what it is. I can't change it. I don't know that I'll ever accept it either. But I know I have to grieve. I don't want to, because it hurts. A lot. But the alternative is worse. Keeping it inside only makes it grow, and consuming, and overwhelming, and before you know it, you're in a very deep, dark hole that there's no escaping.

So I will grieve. It will take time. A lot of time. But as Job said, "I KNOW that my Redeemer lives." Whether here or in eternity, there will be redemption.


Ariel said...

I'm so sorry that you won't be able to have any more kids! I know how you feel... somewhat. While I'm only 19 and not planning on getting married for awhile, I've always wanted at least 2 or 3 kids and if I wasn't able to have more I would be heart broken. I shall pray for you :(

Patty Ann said...

I am so sorry. This would be hard for anyone. Especially when you are backed between the rock and the hard place and feel like your choices have been taken from you. Go ahead and let yourself grieve. When you can, remember how much your one child needs you, and now will need you even more. Be the very best mom that you can be. I have discovered that it is not the number of children we have that matters. It is what we do for them. It is what we teach them. It is how we serve them. You are amazing and don't you forget that.

emilene said...

Dear Kerri

I'm also one of your giraffe tribe members - I joined your site as a follower a while ago. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and remember, it can't always rain!

Lots of love x

CoconutPalmDesigns said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry and if there is anything I can do to help you please let me know.

Cheers :-)
- Rainforest Mommy

Young Wife said...

Praying for you, Kerri. That is such a hard thing to deal with.