Do Not Mix

Sleep deprivation.
Prednisone.
PMS.
Chronic Illness.
Pain.
A 3 year old who has more energy in his little finger than Mommy does in her whole body.

I would highly suggest not combining these conditions. They are not conducive to life. I haven't decided yet if they are conducive to survival. Doug will have to let you know at the end of the day, when he gets home.

So seriously. It is RIDICULOUSLY unfair how busy children can be, then not sleep all night, and have it not effect them in the least except for possibly making them more cranky and oh-so-fun to deal with. Lately, Jacob has been saying "Mommy, I can't sleep." Now, before you say, well, maybe he can't! He says this before he even gets in bed. Then he says it again when his eyes are almost closed. Then, if he wakes up even slightly, he forces himself from sleep and says it again. They he says it at 6 AM and crawls in bed with Mommy and Daddy, ensuring neither Mommy or Daddy get another moment's sleep. (Well, Daddy might, God blessed him with the ability to sleep like a bulldozer.)

I am entirely too old to have a 3 year old.

So I told Doug 1. Jacob's bed goes into his room (finally) THIS WEEKEND. 2. No more naps. Jacob took kind of a long nap yesterday, and then was up half the night. The day prior, he had NO nap, and went to bed at 9, and slept til 8. MUCH better. So today, if you pray, please send one up for me. And probably Jacob. And Doug...we will not be taking a nap today, and Mommy is already exhausted (and it's not even 8 AM!!). Thank God It's FRIDAY! I reminded Daddy that today would be a reeeeaaallly good day to get out on time, or even early.

So if you live around here, and here the crazy-train paddy wagon, it's probably just me.

FINALLY!

I finally have my MRI scheduled! Thursday, October 22. The MRI appointment girly called to set up an appointment, and she's like, "Do you have a particular day that would work better for you? We do the MRI's with general anesthesia at 8:30 in the morning."

I was like, and here I thought the planets had to align before I could get in, that the "forces that be" couldn't figure out what to do with me because I have a trach. Oh the drama.

On a lighter note, my son is hysterical.

These are a few of the conversations we've had lately.

Jacob, screaming like a steam engine choo-chooing: "Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Daddy: {very loudly} "Jacob, this is loud! You need to use your inside voice. {very quietly} This is your inside voice. {very loudly again} This is a loud voice. Do not keep getting louder and louder."
Jacob: "You mean fortisimo?"
Daddy, looking at Mommy for an interpretation. "Did he just say fortisimo?"
Mommy: "Yes, do you know what that is?"
Daddy: "Nope. Great. My 3 year old is smarter than I am."
Mommy: "It's a musical term meaning to play loudly."

Unbelievable. He just turned 3 less than 2 months ago.

Mommy: "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. {who had been outside with Daddy playing in who knows what} you are dirty, dirty, dirty."
Jacob: "I certainly am!"

Certainly?????

Mommy: "Okay bud, here's a bunch of shapes we can play with."
Jacob: {holding up a parallelogram} "Is this a parallelogram?"
Mommy: {slack jawed} "Why, yes it is, Jacob!"

{crickets chirping}

This is my favorite: I have been trying to get Jacob to understand that when he makes a choice, he has to stick to it, and that his words have meaning. He is a typical 3 -year old in that he will say, "I want to eat." We get all set to eat, and he says "I don't want it!" And back and back and forth. Well, USED to go back and forth. Not anymore!

He's kind of like me in that he's a word nerd, and loves words. He'll hear a word and say, "What does that mean?" if he doesn't know. So I've been telling him (maybe 1/2 dozen times or so) that his words and actions have consequences.

Mommy; "Jacob, do not throw that [plastic] rock in the house again!"
Jacob: "Okay Mommy."

Jacob, a minute later: "Mommy, I did something."
Mommy: "What."
Jacob: "Only a glass." {looking at me like, Chill, Mom...YES, he started calling me MOM!!!}
Mommy: "SHOW ME."
Jacob takes me to Daddy's water glass, perfectly turned upside down on the carpet. It HAD been full of water.
Mommy: "Did you throw your rock again?"
Jacob: "Yes."
Mommy goes to get the spoon, and Jacob gets a spanking.
After a few moments of hysteria at the horror of being disciplined, I call Jacob over to talk.
Mommy: "Why did Mommy spank you?"
Jacob: "Because I didn't listen. I threw my rock."
Mommy: "That's right. You directly disobeyed Mommy. What happens when you disobey Mommy?"
Jacob: "Consequences!"

Life is NEVER dull around here!!!

God's Timing and Sense of Humor

God is hilarious. No, seriously. I’m not being disrespectful in the least. Let me explain.

Yesterday, as I was skulking about like a petulant child, I decided to do my Bible study, thinking maybe that would clear my head a bit. Never realized I’d be getting my butt handed to me on a platter!

Joanna and I are doing the study “Me, Myself, and Lies” by Jennifer Rothschild. Let me tell you about this woman. She’s spunky. She’s itty-bitty. She’s beautiful. Never a hair out of place, just plain polished. She’s also been blind since the age of 15. But let me tell you, this woman can throw down with the best of them. She has given me the “what for” in this study on numerous occasions, and today was no exception.

As I was pouting about my life and frustrations, and feeling a wee bit sorry for myself, I stopped acting like a 2 year old long enough to pull out the Book. Today’s lesson was on faulty assumptions. Let me first define the word “assume” (not the way you may have seen it before) and the word “presume.”

Assume: 1. To take upon oneself. 2. To pretend to have 3. To take as granted though not yet proved.

Presume: 1. To take upon oneself. 2. To take for granted. 3. To act or behave with undue boldness.

In Latin, the root of each word is the same, -sume, meaning “to take.” The Hebrew word for our word “presumptuous” means arrogant, proud, or insolent. This is an “aside” here, but I am a “word nerd.” I love the word insolent. I also love my Synonym Finder (my favorite book next to the Bible. If I could rescue two books from a fire, it would be my Bible and my Synonym Finder!)

Insolent: impertinent, audacious, presumptuous, sass, out-of-line, brazen, shameless, impolite, ill-mannered, uncivil, mouthy, rude, disrespectful, arrogant, crude. {sound like a 2-year old or what?}

Now THAT’S a jam-packed word!

Okay, so where I am I going with all this? According to the author, faulty assumptions lead to wrong thinking and emotions, which lead to presumptuous behavior, which usually leads to sin. For example, if you feel that you will never measure up (faulty assumption) you may feel or think you are just not good enough (wrong thinking). That feeling may lead to making poor decisions that try to make you feel better about yourself (presumptuousness) and you may engage in behavior unbecoming of a Christian woman (sin).

Check this out: Jennifer says, “The Greek word for “presumptuous” [in 2 Peter 2:10] is tolmetes, meaning “a daring man.” My friend, to engage in assumption is to be presumptuous. It is to be a daring woman in the worst possible way! It is to take for granted that your way, your view, and your opinion are worthy of forming the foundation of your thoughts. Only GOD’s way, view and opinion are worthy of becoming the foundation of our thought closets!…Presumption shows itself in me when I wrongly assume my perspective is complete but it is actually limited by my experiences and flawed by my sinful nature. The fact that I act on my presumptions implies in the depth of my heart I trust and prefer my view above God’s” {emphasis mine}.

IIIIIII know! OUCH! Talk about enough “food for thought” for like, a month! But this is only one day in this incredible study. Ponder that for a while though…When we base our thoughts, feelings and actions on what WE believe to be true rather than on God’s Word, which we KNOW to be true, we are basically thumbing our nose at God and telling Him we choose to believe our pathetic version of truth over His REAL one.

My dear friends, isn’t it time we let go of our faulty assumptions? Isn’t it time that we ALL bury ourselves in the Word of God to learn our real value and worth? I cannot recommend this study highly enough. It’s tough. It’s daily assignments and a lot of work. It takes effort to do it right and you’ll get out of it what you put in.

I have had so many “light bulb” moments my house is starting to look like a marquis! But that just goes to show you that when you let in the Truth, the Light will follow!

Roller Coasters and this Thing Called Life

I'm sitting here staring at the screen debating. Do I post about this? Or this? Do I post the happy, cute-sy, my-child-is-funny-and-brilliant stories? Or do I spill my thoughts? Do I share my gut-wrenching grief, or just tell a few jokes so I don't depress anyone?

I guess you are all privy to the battle in my mind today, and I'll just have to work it out on screen. I am grieving over Linda all over again. This one yar marker has been more difficult than I ever imagined. I have NEVER in my LIFE been a "visit-the-cemetary" kind of person. I always thought it was bizarre. Especially when people talk. It's like, hello, no one is in there! But I am completely COMPELLED to go! I haven't yet. But I miss her so much... I understand it now.

Joyce Meyer wrote a book called Battlefield of the Mind. Is that not the most appropriate title? I believe 90% of our "issues" are in the mind. Because it is only when my mind is weak, when my emotions take over my life that I feel frustrated, lonely, isolated, angry, and just plain depressed. If I can stay at the place where the Lord is the center of my universe, the capturer of my thoughts, the basis of my emotion, then life is bearable. But to stay in that place...therein lies the battle.

I suppose it's the oldest battle of all time...good verses evil. It's the theme of TV shows, children's tales, movies, Christianity...I imagine the list goes on and on. The constant struggle to stay on top of the never ending cycle of temptation, worry, defeat, hopelessness, anger, frustration. Disappointment.

When Paul wrote about fighting the good fight, well, my friends, he chose his words well. This is a fight. It is a fight to the Death. Or Life. I need strength to continue. I know that my strength comes from the Maker of Heaven; I also know I need encouragement, and I just plain haven't been getting much. Doug has been working his tail off in the quonset hut getting ready for winter...and those of you who know him know he can't do anything half-way. He built an entire workshop in the back corner. He had to move the deer cleaning station back a few feet to fit the boat in front of it, so he tore the whole thing apart and rebuilt it with a different design. He built racks for all the wood he has in there (mostly 2 x 4's, 2 x 6's, wood flooring) and moved it all piece by pice, BY HIMSELF onto the racks. We look like Menards now. So it will be wonderful when it's done; in the meantime, it's all me on the homefront.

Stop the roller coaster please. It stalled on the corkscrew part and all the blood is rushing to my head and I think I'm going to pass out.

Health Update on Me

First of all, thank the LORD my treatment went really good yesterday. Perfect, really. Needles went in on the first try (hurt a little, but nothing too bad). I ran really fast, which is always good. The slower the machine runs, the longer the treatment, the more physical stress my system is under, and the longer it takes me to recover. SO: running at 115 is about top speed, and that's where I was at the end. They have to start a little slower and ramp up. (In comparison, 3 weeks ago, during the entire vein/access debacle, I was running at about 80, and they had to keep slowing me down.)

When I first got there, I asked Lynn to page Dr. Teener, and ask him if he PLEASE had a moment to come up and talk to me about what's going on with the MRI. After all, it's been three weeks and I've had no info other than from the neuro. nurse, "We're working on it." And I'm really not that concerned about having avascular necrosis (AVN), I just want to find out what it IS that's causing the pain.

So in walks Dr. Teener before my treatment even starts! He was there to see a different patient. When he was done he comes over and asks how I'm doing. I said I would be much better if I knew what was going on. {You see, Dr. Teener would defintely be an UNDER-communicator, and I am without a doubt an OVER-communicator, (no, really!) so having a conversation is very interesting}.

However, he expressed his frustration over having put it the paperwork for the MRI two weeks ago, and not getting any results. Apparently the hang up is anesthesia. Which I'm like, hello, people are sedated for MRI's at least as often as they are awake, so what's the problem?? (Especially in emergencies).

Oh.....the trach. Well for the love of Pete any idiot could place an e.t. (endotrachial tube) in a trach hole. I could do it if I wasn't unconscious! I asked him if they were waiting for the planets to align or what....he said apparently.

So this is where we stand: I am to call Tim (the neuro nurse) on Monday morning. If an MRI is not scheduled, Dr. Teener said he will go to his contact, a good friend, in Neurological Radiology.
I'm thinking...Hmm...you have a contact in NEURO-RADIOLOGY and didn't think to talk to him prior to all this? Ug. And he is my BRAIN doctor. Actually, I do have to say Dr. Teener is one the the best in the country. He is still my favorite doctor, even though right now it's a bit dicey.

The hip pain isn't overwhelming...in fact I haven't been needing pain meds during the day most of the time. I have to be very careful to walk very straight, because any twists or turns and I'm a goner. It's veeery interesting when I step on one of Jacob's toys and try not to twist, rotate, wrench my back or fall. I'll just let you get that image going in your mind...

My eyes are starting to act up a bit, but I'm sure it's just stress. (Stress is the number one thing that exacerbates M.G.) Between just every day life, my medical issues, this MRI looming over me, and the anniversary of Linda's death, it's been a bit trying lately.

Thanks for all your prayers....Lord knows I need 'em!

My Dear Linda

Tomorrow I am going to Ann Arbor, so I probably won't post. However, I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to acknowledge that tomorrow will be one year ago that my best friend on this earth went to be with Jesus.

You can read about Linda's battle here. Linda and I had been best friends for over 12 years. We met at work (Towne Air Freight) and became fast friends. Linda was the best friend you could ever ask for. She was loyal to a fault. She was generous and kind, a wonderful listener...the kind of friend you knew you could call in the middle of the night and she wouldn't be upset. I remember doing just that when my boyfriend at the time was in a semi crash. I called her at 3 AM just to ask her to pray, and she told me to call her back as soon as I knew something.

The best part of our friendship was when we worked late second shifts at TAF. It was SO much work, but it was a blast. We always had fun. We also live in the same apartment complex, and pretty much had dinner together every night after we were both on days. We were inseparable.

I had a sister, Michelle, who was killed in a car accident when I was 16. She was 18. She and Linda were 4 months' difference in age. I told Linda she was the sister I had lost. Certainly not a replacement, but an addition that God so blessed me with. We were so close.

And now it has been a year since I have seen her or talked to her. I saw her the day before she died. I knew it wouldn't be long. She wasn't Linda anymore. I held her hand, and I just couldn't help it, I put my head down and sobbed. The grief of seeing someone you love so much suffering...it was almost more than I could bear.

I think of her every day. I still think, "Oh, I need to call Linda! She won't believe this..." But it has been 365 days since I have been able to tell her anything. I can't watch Rachael Ray on TV anymore, because Linda got me hooked, and ever time I see her I just get sad. EVERY DAY I think, "Oh, Linda would LOVE this! Linda has GOT to see this! I can't wait to tell Linda about..." And then I'm jerked back to reality and remember that she is not here. And my heart aches. When I just needed to talk to someone, I always went to Linda. With anything. With everything. Now when I just need to talk, she is not there.

The only thing that keeps me being completely swallowed by grief is that I KNOW she is in the arms of our Savior. That she has no pain, no sorrow, no tears. She is healthy and whole and as angelic there as she was on earth. What a comfort to know that she knew God, that she loved Him, and knew that He loved her. There is Hope beyond the grave.

But to my dear Linda: you were my most precious friend. You were really more like a sister. I miss you more than words can express. My heart is still broken from not having you here. I miss sharing things with you...I am crushed that Jacob will not know his Auntie Linda until we are all reunited again in heaven. You were a light on this planet that not enough people got to see. You were the best friend a person could ever ask for...and more. You were joy and goodness. I love you, my dear friend, and I miss you so very much.

If You Will Only Ask

I just HAD to share this with you all.

I have recently re-connected with a dear friend from college, Tracy. She lives in Florida, and is a teacher. We had all the same education classes together in college. AND, she gave me one of the best recipes I've ever had, one I still use to this day!!! Anywho....

God had recently called Tracy to move out of her sister's house, away from her familiar home neighborhood of St. Pete and move up to Apopka. She got a new teaching job about 2 weeks before school started, and had to move all her things, find a place to live, set up a classroom, all in 2 weeks. Now, if I may say, Tracy is a bit like me....not so crazy about change. For those of you who know me well, imagine if I said "God is leading me to move, and I'm leaving everything familiar to go to the unknown because I know God has plans for me there." YAH. I mean, yes, if God calls, you go, but it was not exactly in her comfort zone!

SO...Tracy's job depends a LOT on her use of a computer. One that the school does NOT provide. Tracy has had computer issues, and had had a friend who fixed it for her. Well, this friend (male) recently became a source of...(well, let's just say he was acting very maturely), so Tracy no longer felt comfortable bringing her computer to him when it failed.

It failed. Completely froze. Wouldn't boot up. She HAD to have a computer. She e-mailed me and told me she needed a miracle, and fast, or her job could literally be in danger. I do not normally pray like this, (But I sure am going to start!) I'm not normally so bold, but it IS easier to ask for others...(shouldn't be, but it can be!) This is what I wrote to her:

"Lord, you tell us in your Word that we have not because we ask not. And we don't receive because we don't believe You will give us what we need. Well, I'm asking on Tracy's behalf that You will provide her a new computer. One that is reliable and that she can use for her schoolwork and keeping in touch with her friends and family.

She needs this Lord, so we're asking. And we're believing that you will meet her needs. Your word also tells us that You will meet all our needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:19). So we are asking you to meet Tracy's need for a computer.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Eph 3:20-21

I am expecting good things for you, woman! Let me know!Love ya"

Well, THAT VERY NIGHT, this was her reply:

Thank you thank you thank you!!!

It was kind of amazing and no doubt God. After school I came home and had a message to call my dad immediately. I called him. He told me to find the closest Best Buy and see the Geek Squad. He would pay for it and if need be, buy me a new laptop.

Oh my gosh - Kerri, I couldn't stop crying!!! My father NEVER does this sort of thing. All through college I never got one care pkg. He did buy my winter clothing and some things, but not just "I'm thinking about you" sort of stuff. It's still been that way over the years. I mean a couple years back he decided one Christmas that he thought it was better not to exchange gifts. That hurt. and with all this moving, he's been kinda quiet - not real talkative about it. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

Anyways...so I go to Best Buy and of course (just like a car) the computer boots up perfectly as if nothing was ever wrong. The guy ran a few diagnostics. Bottom line, it could have been a fluke or it could be my hard drive going bad. In the meantime I brought it home and it continued to keep working.

My dad and I talked again and he reaffirmed that he wants me to call him the minute something goes wrong with it. He doesn't want me losing my job because I can't get my work done.

Anyways...it's been a blessing to see God's hand at work tonight in ways that I wouldn't have dreamed of. God figuring things out is always better and I'm learning to let go and believe that He'll care for me. It's not easy!

SO.....Let me encourage you today to do two things: When you pray, be bold! We can go before God with confidence! And remember that you can pray for yourself the same way you pray for others! And secondly, BELIEVE that God hears, AND answers. You may not always get the answer you want immediately, but you might. You never know...until you ask.