Quick update

So tomorrow is plasmapheresis, which is taking a backseat in my brain to the MRI. (I guess that means I have a front seat in my brain, so it must be either a car or bus or something???)

Anywho. I have been through enough medical rigamarole to know that unless you make SURE everyone has their peas in a pod, what is supposed to happen, won't. I got a reminder in the mail for the MRI, and was told to be there 15 minutes early. Now, since I am having general anesthesia, I know from experience I need to be there way earlier than 15 minutes. So I call the MRI office, and ask how early I need to be for general anesthesia. They say one hour, and that anesthesia will call the day before the test to confirm everything. I tell them I will not be home, but actually at the U of M hospital getting another treatment. This throws them for a loop (shocker!). They put me on hold, and actually get the anesthesia people on the line. Very good!

So I ask the this lady what time I need to be there...she says 7 AM. That's what I thought. Nice. An hour and a half. Ug. Then I ask if they have it noted that I have a trach. No, as a matter of fact, they don't. (See what I mean?) She asked what kind, and said, oh, that's no biggie, we'll just swap it out. I started laughing, and she was like, what? I told her how some folks were practically giving birth over the fact that I had a trach and needed an MRI under sedation. I said, "They're anesthesiologists, I think they can handle it!" Then SHE started laughing.

Anywho. If you could please keep Doug and me in your prayers, that first of all pheresis goes well, and that Jacob does good at Grandma's again, that the MRI tells us what we need to know about my hips, and that it's NOT avascular necrosis. Also, that I come out of the anesthesia quickly and without consequence. Thank you so so so much!! I know I am calm and not freaking out because people pray for me, and God hears and answers.

Have a wonderful rest-of-the-week!

Oh What A Night

What a night. Twenty years...it was like being in some kind of bizarre time warp. Like here are all these peple I have locked in my mind at 18 year olds...like we've all gone through the age-progression photography they show on TV sometimes, yet in 3-D!! I have to say that overall, the women aged better than the men. Some of the women didn't look more than a year or two different (so unfair), with a much less '80's hairdo of course. Some aged beautifully, some gracefully, some, not-so-much. For name tags we all had our senior pictures on them with our maiden and married names, and our spouses had their names with our pictures. Now, my graduating class was only about 125 people...so when you look at someone and go: I have no idea who that is, you're hoping it's a spouse.

There were 2 women there last night who would definitely win the "most amazing looking after 20 year awards." Talk about brilliant, beautiful, polished women. It was a trip. And since they are both wonderful PEOPLE on the inside, it just makes you all the more pleased they are doing so well and looking terrific.

Lots of irony last night. I honestly thought I would leave being upset and thinking, "All these people are normal, have normal lives, are healthy, happy, successful..." And some are, I'm sure. But lots more aren't. Whether they were there or not, we heard of divorce, alcoholism, cancer, serious kid trouble.... I left last night thinking, I have an amazing life! Gosh, so many with unhappy marriages. So sad.

I was also amazed at how many of the men were totally bald! I mean cue-ball! And since we graduated in '89, all these guys had mullets...so it was HILARIOUS.

Lots of questions about me...the trach, what happened....I made a few people cry, which made me feel bad...one guy I've known since we were 5 years old...that broke my heart. My life is SO GOOD compared to some.

When Doug and I left, we walked outside through a bunch of the smokers, and I couldn't resist.... I shook my "scolding finger" at them, pointed to my trach and said, "See what happens if you keep smoking????" Some of them just jar-dropped, others looked away, and a few were like, is that what happened??? I kind of chuckled and said no, but I do say that when I see kids smoking!

So I had to explain quickly...I got all choked up, which is dumb, since I had been talking about it all night, but I just kept saying, I have a great life.....and I do!! Some of these people, my age, people I've known my whole life...are just broken inside. It was so sad.

So instead of leaving, crying and being jealous of everyone there, I left thinking, they should be jealous of me! I have an amazing, loving, faithful husband, a beautiful, crazy smart, healthy, happy miralce boy, and I love the Lord. And I know He loves me.

So to those precious friends, who told me they pray for me, who read my blog that I didn't know about! (hi!), thank you!!! Please keep praying and reading....God is so good.

To those precious friends who weren't there last night, for whatever reason....we missed you!

And to those precious friends who are hurting, who are struggling with bad marriages or addiction, or trouble with their children....I will be praying for you...that you get to know the God I do....and that He will heal your broken hearts, because He is the only one who can.

Overall, what a wonderful night. I got to see some good friends, have a date night with my husband, and was reminded that my life is AWESOME, all in the same night. Oh, what a night!

20 Years

Wow. Tonight is my 20th high school reunion. TWENTY years. I was 18. That was SO long ago! Some of the things that have happened to me in 20 years:

I graduated college. (I was a nanny for a year, at home, during college, and finished in a year and a half, so I really went to college in 3 1/2 years.)

I had 3 different jobs between college and getting sick: substitute teacher, cashier at Office Depot, and Towne Air Freight.

I tried to go back to work once after I was sick, couldn't do it.

I went to St. Louis to see the arch. VERY cool.

I went to Niagra Falls.

I went to California, twice.

I used to go to Chicago all the time for the weekend.

I met my best friend ever.

I lost my best friend ever to cancer 12 years later.

I had my tonsils out (at 25).

I started having MG symptoms 6 months later, (July 1995) but went undiagnosed until I was hospitalized, half-dead, in 2000.

I've had almost 200 plasmapheresis treatments!

NOT including pheresis days, I've spent about 100 days in the hospital.

I met my amazing husband (after meeting many bozos).

I got married...twice...to the same man. ; )

I have been to the Wisconsin Dells (first time ever!).

I went to the Mall of America, twice.

I went to New Jersey.

I went to Copper Harbor (on the hottest day ever recorded there, 105 degrees! I hate HOT WEATHER!!!)

Doug and I used to go to Escanaba (ya, in da U.P., eh?) three times a year for a week.

I've been on the best vacation ever: drove across the country, through 11 states, staying in Colorado for 5 days, on to the Grand Canyon, back home on Route 66. Awesome. (But Amarillo is VERY stinky. Lots of cattle!!)

I had an amazing child.

I've had 3 dogs, 2 I still have, one we had to put down. : (

I've had a trach for 9 of those 20 years.

I've grown so much closer to God through my trials, and I wouldn't change anything I've been through. It's what got me where I am now, and I like me a lot better now than 20 years ago!

I've have met people I've loved, and people that I have not...I have been wounded in some ways, and made whole in other ways. I have loved and I have lost. I have gained and I have expended. I have laughed...and I have cried...oh, how I have cried. But is all comes down to this: I KNOW that my Redeemer lives, and THAT, my friends, is TRULY all that matters. This life is so fleeting, so fraught with trouble...but on the other side, no more tears. No pain. No anger. No hurt. No night. Hallelujah.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (NIV)

The Saga Continues...

So I'm still chugging away on dial-up.

I went to see Samantha last night, and she worked through every possibility of why this thingamadoodle (or as Jacob would say, "fingernoodle") wasn't working. Turns out it's "definitely" the USB cable. Apparently, especially with laptops, the cable they sell (which needs a special adaptor) doesn't always work. (Well, then, 1. Why do you sell it, and 2. Why don't you carry the one that works???)

You can actually buy it on line for 1/2 the cost, including shipping, but as most of you know, I'm not so good in the patience department. So I got the one from the store, but it didn't work. So last night I sign on with the morse code modem and tried to find the cord online, but of course everything was taking FOREVER to download, so I just gave up. Since I was up at like 5:45 this morning, I thought I'd try again, and I found it. Yee-ha! Hopefully it ships today, and I MAY have it as early as tomorrow, but it could be a week.

The only other thing it COULD be is my antivirus thingy. Somehow it sees the phone as a virus and won't let it in. So I asked Samantha what I would do then, and she tried explaining; I saw her lips moving, but I swear all I heard was "blah blah blah". I just kind of glaze over when you talk about anything computer-esque other than blogging or e-mail. Or facebook. I just don't care, I don't WANT to learn, I don't CARE if I can save $50.00, I'd rather just take it somewhere and say, "Fix it please."

Doug does our taxes. Just another example of our wonderful differences. I cringe just thinking about it. He puts in, by hand every single deduction we have, every item donated...every book, every item of clothing, everything...it makes me crazy. He's like, no problem. He gets the tax software and it walks him right through it. Of course, he IS a good Dutchman, and needs to save a buck where a buck can be saved. (Well, dollar..."buck" isn't a great analogy since it's almost hunting season!)

I think part of the reason I am this way is this is the way my parents were. My dad was always working, and didn't have the time (OR the patience) to fix stuff. When he did try, he'd get so mad if it wasn't perfectly done in about 30 seconds, he'd get totally ticked off and start yelling and throwing things...so when Doug starts a project like the taxes, I guess I have flashbacks! :P

Anywho....I digress. I'm hoping like mad that in a couple of days I will be zipping through cyberspace and able to watch videos!!!! Wish me luck!!

Technology??????

Ug.

Okay. I have a Bachelor's Degree. I graduated college cum laude. My high school GPA was like 3.8. Do you think I can load software and use some cool new doo-hickey to go online???
Um, that would be a NO.

Curse dial-up is what I'm saying. I truly love where we live, and the minor inconveniences (like waiting 10 minutes for the bank page to download and then having it time out...) aren't even close to all that I love about it. Dial-up, however...oh my WORD am I frustrated! We're talking VHS compared to Blu-Ray. (I don't really even know what Blu-Ray is, I just know it's the latest).

I had a chiropractor appointment yesterday, and decided to not rush home and stop at Radio Shack next door. I had heard about getting a cell phone that you can connect to your computer to go online with, and it would be way faster than dial up. Well, fantastic, right? But the price had to be right...I won't pay more than what we already pay for internet and phone, because we really have pretty good deals with both. Whenever the phone lines get damp, though, we get really bad static and can't hardly talk on the phone, let alone go online.

So I go in, and the sales chicky (Samantha, who is awesome) tells me all the details. Turns out it's exactly the same price as what we pay now....Whooo-Hooo!!! And basically, between the miutes per month, and the 5 numbers I can call free whenever I want, plus free nights and weekends, I'll never pay for a phone call on top of the monthly bill. No long distance charges ever, no roaming charges, ever. Suh-Weet!!! So I'm all excited, get home, tell Doug, who is all excited, and go to load the software for the internet access.

Yah. The computer couldn't find the phone. I'm like, dude, it's RIGHT HERE!!!! I tried EVERY USB port on the computer. I called Sam, she said unistall everything and start over. So I did. Did it work? Um, nope.

I may be able to manage a blog (barely), manuever around the internet, do e-mail, whatever, but that's about the limit of my technological intellect. And it makes me crazy. It's just one of those things I just don't understand, and don't really care to. I just want it to work. I want to get on the computer, and have it do what I want it to; what I've been told it can do. And when it doesn't, I get CRAZY frustrated.

The computer is my only social lifeline right about now. This is where I get 90% of my support, encouragement, information about EVERYTHING, how I keep in touch with people because I never get out...and I just want it to WORK!!! Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm taking the whole kit-n-kaboodle in to Samantha later and she said she would get it working. For my sanity, I hope so!!!

Being Thankful On Purpose

Well, it's DEFINITELY time again for me to pull my attitude out of the crapper and be thankful on purpose. I have so much to be thankful for, and just need to concentrate on it today.

1. I am thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. NO matter how badly I screw up, He will forgive, truly forget, and start every new day with a clean slate. That needs to be number one on EVERYONE'S thankful list.

2. I am thankful that we have a wood burner, and don't have to pay up to $3.00 a gallon for fuel oil to heat our house. I'm thankful we have woods all around us and don't have to pay for wood. I am thankful that Doug is able to get all the wood we need for winter by himself, so far.

3. I am thankful that my husband is a Christian man, has a good job, is hard working, faithful, trustworthy, loving, a wonderful providor and a great dad. (He's awfully cute too!)

4. I am thankful I have a beautiful, healthy, smart, loving, busy, crazy, amazing, gregarious, precocious, full-of-life little boy, when I thought I never could.

5. I am thankful for the friends that I have that I know I can count on for WHATever, WHENever. Thank you for letting me know that I can depend on you, call you in the middle of the night (only for an emergency, I promise! :P ) I love you and appreciate you more than you can know.

6. I am thankful I have this computer, (as much as I complain about dial-up) because it allows me to keep in touch with everyone I love.

7. I am thankful for music. It moves me like nothing else can.

8. I am thankful that although I have health issues, I can see and hear. I can walk, and talk, maybe not perfectly, but I can.

9. I am thankful that this life is not all we have. That when the time comes, I will be in the presence of God Almighty, and I long to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant." I will be whole again. There will be no more night. No more pain. No more tears. I will be reunited with those gone before, and meet fellow Christian friends I have not had the privilege to meet in this lifetime.

10. I am thankful to YOU, the folks reading this blog, who take the time to read my words.

May we all find something we are thankful for today. I'd love to hear what YOU'RE thankful for...leave a comment!

Not-So-Stellar Weekend

I'm so glad there are no Mommy police living with me. I would have been hauled off to jail this weekend. Oh my GOSH I didn't know someone so tiny, whom you love and cherish more than life itself, someone who looks at you with big, adorable, not-always-so-innocent blue eyes, who can melt your heart with "I love you Mommy" at just the right time...I had no idea how ANGRY they can make you! Yesterday was one of the worst Mommy days of my life. Maybe the worst. Jacob was driving me crazy. And that makes me feel HORRIBLE. I felt like SUCH a failure as a mom. How can you get so angry and frustrated and want to smack your own CHILD???

Doug was busy outside all weekend again, since it wasn't raining, getting things ready for winter. It's all stuff that needs to be done, and since it's been so crappy out (gotta love Michigan) he hasn't been able to take Jacob out with him. Tooooo much "Mommy and me" time, I guess. I mean, I know that everyone needs a break, and everyone needs time away from their kids, but when you find yourself so angry and impatient...I literally had to walk away from him once because I was SO mad....I couldn't even see straight. I felt like the biggest loser on the planet.

The child is SO stubborn! I mean, I am stubborn. Doug is stubborn. But Jacob? We're talking a whole new level of bull-headedness. He REFUSES to go potty on the potty. He'll sit on it, he'll stand in front of it, but will he go? Nope. He will wait until he gets in the tub, or has his diaper back on. We've tried special big boy underwear, talking to him, bribing him...NOTHING works. Some people are like, "He'll go when he's ready." And I kind of get that, but most of me is like, "Oh my GOSH I am so sick of changing poopy diapers I could puke." Plus, Jacob is getting so big, it's getting difficult for me to even manhandle him to change him. I'm about ready to just let him walk around naked and make him clean up the mess if he makes it. Yeah, like THAT would happen.

Then we have the not eating thing...anything edible that is. If it's not SUPPOSED to go in your mouth? Jacob will try it. Yesterday he was licking the bottom of his shoe. Anyone who knows me, and how I feel about germs, well....it's just EXTREMELY ironic that MY child will put anything disgusting in his mouth. He will eat dirt. He will lick his shoes. He was sucking on the hammer yesterday. Anything vile and disgusting. Yet if he gets one SPOT of food on his hand, OH the horror!

I went outside yesterday afternoon with my purse, keys and Jacob, and completely fell apart. I told Doug I had to get out of there for a few minutes before someone died. Didn't know who would get it, exactly, but I knew it was getting bad. I didn't even take my suction machine! I don't think I've EVER left the house without it. I am NOT like that. I think part of it may be the drugs. Why can't side effects of medication make you like, not want to eat, super skinny and happy? Of COURSE not. They have to make you fat, hungry all the time (like hide-the-small-children-and-animals-hungry), have raging mood swings, and make you angry. I mean stupid angry. Ug. I put my head on Doug and I was like: {sobbing} I'm a failure as a mother. My child will graduate at 17 from Harvard, and still be licking his shoes and not peeing on the potty!" Doug, to his credit, not only did not laugh, but also told me I was a great mom. (Brownie points to you, babe.)

Anyway....I guess I'll be done venting for now...Today has got to be better, right?????