Monday, October 12, 2009

Not-So-Stellar Weekend

I'm so glad there are no Mommy police living with me. I would have been hauled off to jail this weekend. Oh my GOSH I didn't know someone so tiny, whom you love and cherish more than life itself, someone who looks at you with big, adorable, not-always-so-innocent blue eyes, who can melt your heart with "I love you Mommy" at just the right time...I had no idea how ANGRY they can make you! Yesterday was one of the worst Mommy days of my life. Maybe the worst. Jacob was driving me crazy. And that makes me feel HORRIBLE. I felt like SUCH a failure as a mom. How can you get so angry and frustrated and want to smack your own CHILD???

Doug was busy outside all weekend again, since it wasn't raining, getting things ready for winter. It's all stuff that needs to be done, and since it's been so crappy out (gotta love Michigan) he hasn't been able to take Jacob out with him. Tooooo much "Mommy and me" time, I guess. I mean, I know that everyone needs a break, and everyone needs time away from their kids, but when you find yourself so angry and impatient...I literally had to walk away from him once because I was SO mad....I couldn't even see straight. I felt like the biggest loser on the planet.

The child is SO stubborn! I mean, I am stubborn. Doug is stubborn. But Jacob? We're talking a whole new level of bull-headedness. He REFUSES to go potty on the potty. He'll sit on it, he'll stand in front of it, but will he go? Nope. He will wait until he gets in the tub, or has his diaper back on. We've tried special big boy underwear, talking to him, bribing him...NOTHING works. Some people are like, "He'll go when he's ready." And I kind of get that, but most of me is like, "Oh my GOSH I am so sick of changing poopy diapers I could puke." Plus, Jacob is getting so big, it's getting difficult for me to even manhandle him to change him. I'm about ready to just let him walk around naked and make him clean up the mess if he makes it. Yeah, like THAT would happen.

Then we have the not eating thing...anything edible that is. If it's not SUPPOSED to go in your mouth? Jacob will try it. Yesterday he was licking the bottom of his shoe. Anyone who knows me, and how I feel about germs, well....it's just EXTREMELY ironic that MY child will put anything disgusting in his mouth. He will eat dirt. He will lick his shoes. He was sucking on the hammer yesterday. Anything vile and disgusting. Yet if he gets one SPOT of food on his hand, OH the horror!

I went outside yesterday afternoon with my purse, keys and Jacob, and completely fell apart. I told Doug I had to get out of there for a few minutes before someone died. Didn't know who would get it, exactly, but I knew it was getting bad. I didn't even take my suction machine! I don't think I've EVER left the house without it. I am NOT like that. I think part of it may be the drugs. Why can't side effects of medication make you like, not want to eat, super skinny and happy? Of COURSE not. They have to make you fat, hungry all the time (like hide-the-small-children-and-animals-hungry), have raging mood swings, and make you angry. I mean stupid angry. Ug. I put my head on Doug and I was like: {sobbing} I'm a failure as a mother. My child will graduate at 17 from Harvard, and still be licking his shoes and not peeing on the potty!" Doug, to his credit, not only did not laugh, but also told me I was a great mom. (Brownie points to you, babe.)

Anyway....I guess I'll be done venting for now...Today has got to be better, right?????

7 comments:

Joanna said...

Welcome to club Mom - where guilt haunts your every step. You're proud of them one minute and ready to sell them the next.

The bright side is this is totally normal. I can't count how many times I had to put ALL of us in time out so I wouldn't kill them. All you can do is ride the wave baby. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Ask God to give you creative ways to deal with the little blessing. I used to tell God 'You gave them to me so You better download some ideas quick or they are going to be returned to sender!'

Hate to break it to you but he's licking stuff to freak you out. Does he laugh when you scream nononono? My kids would find my buttons and then stand on them. Now I just give them a look and they back off simply because I put the fear of Mom and her many moods into them when they were young. (Throws head back and cackles)

Beverly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beverly said...

Been there!!! There have been days I could drop my kid off and drive away...serioiusly. But then my sanity returns and I realize I love that boy with all my heart.
I see the "perfect" mommies always happy and never yelling...makes ya feel extra guilty. Just the other day I got the "Mommy of the year" award, my son said "thank you for saying no nicely, you usually yell". So yes, I have been there..and when I am not mad I feel bad for my son...he deserves better. Guilt and love...no one said being a Mommy would be so tough.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Oh my, oh my, oh my. We all have days like that. And you are so right, God's mercies are new every morning! Praise Him for that!!!

Don't worry. I know it's hard to do when you're in the midst of it, but try to let go of your emotions and put them on God. And, when your kid is making you crazy, do like you did and ask for help. Or, every once in a while, do something different for a change of pace - to mix things up! Give Jacob a bubble bath in the middle of the day. Teach him to make cupcakes. Work together to "wash" his bike with the hose. Use sharpie markers to color something, like Hot Wheels cars or an old pair of shoes.

Keep asking around for suggestions about pottying. Use whatever motivates him the most. Talk to him about it on his level. He'll get it eventually! And don't beat yourself up. Jacob doesn't need perfect... he needs YOU!

Stopping over from SITS!

Millennium Housewife said...

I SWEAR today will be better! Please don't do yourself down every single Mummy in the world has felt like that - we're human and we had a life! So sorry it got bad, over from SITS and really glad I came x

Kerri said...

Joanna, he does a lot of the mouthing and eating and licking stuff subconcsiously. He'll be paying attention to something else and his mouth just gravitates to anything withing licking distance. It's part of the whol SPD thing, which is quite overwhelming in and of itself.
How are you feeling??

Thank you ALL for your encouragement...I KNOW it gets better, and most days are good. This one was just NOT. : )

Young Wife said...

Hey, you walked away. You didn't let the anger control you. I am impressed. As for the germ thing...I'm right there with you. Let us know how the potty training goes. I've heard boys are especially difficult.