Happy 2009!

Wow. That sounds so strange. That we're even in the 2000's is crazy. I liked 1987. Or '88. Or '89. My 17th summer was the best of my life (pre-marriage, of course!). Freedom, fun, and a really cute boy! : ) I wouldn't trade my life now, though, for anything.

Nine years ago I was just out of the hospital (U of M), sleeping in a hospital bed in my living room, had been married for all of 4 months, had a "temporary" trach, a feeding tube, and had no idea how I was going to live life as a woman with a debilitating, chronic illness.

If you had told me then that I would, in 2009, have a terrific house in the country, a still faithful, supportive, loving, ingenious husband, a beautiful, perfect, smart, amazing 2 year old son, be able to drive on my own again, even do my own hair and make-up again, I wouldn't have believed it. But through so many faithful friends who prayed and prayed for my recovery, and by the grace of God, here I am...with a wonderful life.

Don't get me wrong, it really stinks sometimes. I have plenty of days when I think, how did this happen? Why me? Boo-hoo. There are times of deep depression...how am I going to take care of my child??? Times of despair...I can't seem to do anything today. Times of anger...WHY, WHY, WHY??? It's not fair!! It's extremely frustrating to constantly make plans only to cancel because I'm too weak or tired. That doesn't help the attitude!

But God in His ultimate wisdom decided that this is something I would go through. That this life, this crazy, wonderful life of mine was planned just for me. God knew everything that I would go through, and even more importantly, it seems, how I would react. And He loved me anyway. I should have been dead, more than once, while going through the diagnostic process. The carbon dioxide in my blood was higher than Jacob's was when he was on the ventilator, and I was still working 50 hours a week.

I got staph pneumonia (MRSA) in the hospital, and almost died again. They trached me to get me off the vent to get rid of it, and thank God, it worked. I was so, so sick. To see me now, well, it's nothing short of a miracle.

Even when things are falling apart, and I feel sorry for myself, and miss all the things I want to be doing, I try to think back to that time. I was on the brink of dying, and now I am definitely living. I try to remember that all I see is my tiny corner of the BIG picture. God sees is all, and sees how all the pieces of this puzzle called life fit together. We all create this huge panorama of scenery, this canvas of living, together. What you do, how you live, how you react, REALLY does affect others.

May God Bless you all in this New Year, and may you be reminded of God's unfailing, faithful love for us all! Happy 2009!