I am going to call the doctor today to find out the results of my bloodwork. Hopefully they will have them and I can relax. Might be tomorrow yet, but we'll check.
I know that we as Christians are supposed to accept and understand God's will, and be content and all that. Why does it seem that sometimes we're just chess pieces? I know all the "right answers" to the questions I have, but when you peel back the facade of "Christian-ese," I have to wonder why it seems God made me one way, and then allowed circumstances to enter my life that are diametrically opposed to my nature. (And I'm not talking about my sin-nature, because the things I desire are good.) For example: I am an extrovert. I LOVE people. I love being social. I CRAVE fellowship and interaction with others. However, I was blessed with several health issues that don't allow me to freely do any of these things. Half the time I don't have the strength or energy, or someone involved in the gathering is sick, so I can't go so I don't get exposed to funky germs and end up in the hospital. Then, when all of these factors line up, something else doesn't cooperate...like the weather! I mean, I know I sound like a whiny, spoiled child, but disappointment is a bitter pill. And yet I can't stop myself from hoping and expecting. This hasn't just happened once or twice. It's more like out of 100 times, things have worked out maybe 25 or 30. I've missed movies, parties, church outings, praise services, church, lunch with friends, family events, you name it. I'm sick of being disappointed and dispappointing others.
On the other hand, my husband, who works, manages lots of important things at work (like I used to) has business lunches and even some traveling now, meetings and goings on at all times of the day and week, would like nothing better than to never leave our property. It just doesn't make sense. I understand that if we ran our lives we'd run them off into the ditch. But sometimes I just don't get it. Why can't I just change my nature, then, to not expect, to not hope, to not believe that things will come together. Why are relationships SO important to ME, and not so much with my husband, who has all the opportunity in the world? Argh.
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2 comments:
Oh, girl. I'm not going to patronize you with some trite little comment. There's no easy answer to what you're struggling with. If I were you I'd be struggling too and I don't think I'd handle it as well as you do either.
I can only tell you what I believe the Lord has been saying to me lately - for us to find our satisfaction, peace, joy, security... in HIM. Not to say that we don't need (even CRAVE) fellowship with others, but He needs to be the SOURCE we continually stay plugged in to.
Please know that I continue to pray for you - that the Lord will begin to expand your horizons, sister! I love you - you are so precious to so many, most of all your God. :)
Yeah what Leigh said. :)
Was reading what all the doc had to say. Very glad that you can put that fear to rest. Arg on having to wait to hear the rest of it.
You aren't whining at all.
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