Monday, February 28, 2011

Last Year At This Time

So I read Mama Kat's writing prompts this week, and one is perfect for what I'm feeling. The question is: What were you blogging about last year at this time? What has changed?

Well, last year on this very day I wrote about being almost home from our vacation from the pit of hell (to Florida.) A month long, truck driving, boat towing, freezing our butts off, dealing with a 3 year old on his first vacation, ghetto staying vacation from hell.

What has changed? What hasn't. My health is in the toilet. Jacob is more of a handful. I feel more and more like a failure as a wife and mother because of my health. I am holding it together, white-knuckling it every day, trying to decide which horrible treatment I'm going to choose for my MG (I've decided on Rituximab), praying I don't get the 90% fatal PML as a complication from said treatment. It's really a very UN-likely possibility, but just the fact that it's a possibility sucks.

Sometimes, well, MOST of the time to be completely honest, my life is totally overwhelming. How can I take care of my son when I can't take care of myself? How can I train him in righteousness when I don't have the energy to feed him? How can I be consistent in discipline when I can't remember the last 2 hours? How can I stay sane when I can't leave the house? How can I get my husband to understand what a big deal simply living every single stupid day is? Let alone worrying about bills and budgets and insurance and co-pays and prescriptions...I have like 21 medications. I have to keep that all straight. Not to mention more personal care-taking issues that are difficult for me...showering, shaving my legs, etc.

Then I read on facebook that Jeremy Camp wrote, "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." Proverbs 29:11 NKJV

I guess it just put me over the edge. Holding it in would kill me. Literally. So I guess the Lord is just going to have to understand that I've having a tough time and need to vent. If that makes me a fool, then it makes me a fool. I've been called worse.


Margaret said...

The medication that I am on for MS has the same rare side effect. The drug I am on has changed my life so PML isn't that big of a deal to me anymore. I have been on it for about 2 years now!

Joanna said...

First off, you are not a fool. EVERY mom feels what you are feeling on the kid front. It is overwhelming and will suck you dry - and that's if you are using a full tank!

You just got to find what works for YOU. Toss out the rule book of what should and shouldn't. Your family is different with different needs. Jacob is so smart - have him do more. This will also burn up some of his energy. Make folding socks a game. I know as a mother that just kills you as you want to take care of your family but this is where you are at and what you have to deal with so you have to make it work for you. Come up with creative ways where YOU aren't doing it all because it's not going to happen and there is no condemnation in that.

Btw, never has a mom got the man to 'get it' unless she leaves for like a month and he has to do it all. Even then, it's a slim chance. :}

Sorry things have been rotten for you for a long time. Sending you chocolately hugs and prayers to make it through another day.

Priscilla - Wheelchair Mommy said...

I am very sorry to hear that life is far more difficult today then it was a year ago :(.


Patty Ann said...

Kerri, I am so sorry that you are having a tough time. I don't mind the venting. I think it can be good for you, as long as it helps you to express it and than let it go. Trusting God is one of the hardest things to learn. Knowing that He knows your difficulties, and will lead and direct you if you let Him, can be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. I really hope the meds help you. I hope that those who are close to you can be willing to help you from time to time and can make your journey a little bit easier. Know that you are in my heart and prayers today.