So I read Mama Kat's writing prompts this week, and one is perfect for what I'm feeling. The question is: What were you blogging about last year at this time? What has changed?
Well, last year on this very day I wrote about being almost home from our vacation from the pit of hell (to Florida.) A month long, truck driving, boat towing, freezing our butts off, dealing with a 3 year old on his first vacation, ghetto staying vacation from hell.
What has changed? What hasn't. My health is in the toilet. Jacob is more of a handful. I feel more and more like a failure as a wife and mother because of my health. I am holding it together, white-knuckling it every day, trying to decide which horrible treatment I'm going to choose for my MG (I've decided on Rituximab), praying I don't get the 90% fatal PML as a complication from said treatment. It's really a very UN-likely possibility, but just the fact that it's a possibility sucks.
Sometimes, well, MOST of the time to be completely honest, my life is totally overwhelming. How can I take care of my son when I can't take care of myself? How can I train him in righteousness when I don't have the energy to feed him? How can I be consistent in discipline when I can't remember the last 2 hours? How can I stay sane when I can't leave the house? How can I get my husband to understand what a big deal simply living every single stupid day is? Let alone worrying about bills and budgets and insurance and co-pays and prescriptions...I have like 21 medications. I have to keep that all straight. Not to mention more personal care-taking issues that are difficult for me...showering, shaving my legs, etc.
Then I read on facebook that Jeremy Camp wrote, "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." Proverbs 29:11 NKJV
I guess it just put me over the edge. Holding it in would kill me. Literally. So I guess the Lord is just going to have to understand that I've having a tough time and need to vent. If that makes me a fool, then it makes me a fool. I've been called worse.