Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Holy COW!

And in this case, I do mean cow, as in moo.

I so don't belong on a farm.

Our biggest cow, Oats, a black and white cow (can't remember what kind...I don't like to get too close to my food, although yes, Jacob did name them...) started leaning way over the electric fence to graze in the yard.  I guess the grass really IS greener on the other side. (ba-dum-bum)

But this gigantic moo-cow is leaning over the fence, pushing against it, to grab little green clumps of grass.  I'm thinking, that thing is going to break the fence, (while Doug is at work, of COURSE) and I'm going to have an 1800 pound animal rampaging frolicking around my yard, playing chicken with the fast moving metal boxes in front of the house.  (Cars, for those of you who don't speak cow).

I'm thinking, either this grass is AH-MAZING, or the electric fence is not working, OR they have become immune to it.  Made me very nervous, I will confess.

So one day, I'm looking out the window, about 4:00ish, and what do I see but Oats, up in the pasture closest to the road, tossing around and trying to CONSUME the plastic snow fencing Doug had wrapped around my spirea bushes.  Well, I watch enough animal planet to know that if a cow eats plastic fencing it's going to die.

Of course Doug is not home yet, and although it is nearly APRIL, it's below freezing out.  So I yell to Jacob that we have to go save the cow, and grab my parka.  He's got long sleeves, sweatpants, socks and boots on.  I, do not. Since the house is always uber warm from the wood furnace I usually have shorts on, as I did this fateful day.

So I'm going outside while trying to zip the overly warm winter coat I never wear, and the zipper doesn't work.  As soon as you put the plastic thingy in the zipper thingy, it splits.  Nice.  So, I have a coat blowing around in FREEZING cold weather, trying to figure out how to get the snow fence away from the cow and the cow away from the *electric* fence!  So I run at it shaking my arms and making boogedy-boogedy-boo noises, and it runs like a scared rabbit.  Albeit a bit more clumsily.

So thank God Jacob knew how to turn the electric fence off (why would I?  I'm not a farmer!), so I had to walk down to the big barn, push the button in and walk back up the hill.  If you've never been to my house, imagine the MOST uneven, hole-filled nightmare of a yard, and trying to walk up it after you've had 6 too many to drink and you're wearing roller skates.  That's about how easy it was for me too.

So I get to the top, and I had a shovel I was going to try to reach in and snag a corner of the fence with to pull out.


Yeah.  THAT worked.  So I step on the barbed wire (with my heavy duty crocs), and pull up on the middle wire so Jacob can scramble through and get the fence and get back out.  Don't worry, I was standing there freezing my arse off with a shovel ready with my "boogedy-boogedy-boo" should the cow return.  We were PERFECTLY safe.

So we retrieved the fence, I walk down the drunken-roller-skate hill, turn the fence back on, and walk back up said hill.  I JUST reach the porch when Doug pulls in.


So the next day, the dang cow is pushing against the fence with all its girth, EATING my spirea bush!  It was half GONE!  I start beating on the window, because cows are really scaredy cats.  Doug is yelling at ME because I'm about to break the window.  I'm like, "I am trying to save my spirea bush!!  They are FINALLY growing!!"

Well, it turns out that a section of the fence was actually down (probably an errant deer) so there never WAS electricity running to the fence, which is why the beast could practically bust through it!  Doug found and fixed the broken fence, and order has been restored.  I just SO wish I could have seen the look on the cow's face the first time it went after my bush after the fence has been fixed!  Muuuuuwwww---hahahahahaha.....

Yes, I know I'm mean. So call PETA on me.

1 comment:

Joanna said...

Omg! This is priceless because I could picture the whole thing too - even the crazy look on the cow's face as it tries to lick it's burn mark. Hope the other cows make fun of it. Hee hee!