Wednesday, May 6, 2009

One of THOSE Days

Remember two days ago I said I wouldn't change anything, but on my really, really, bad days I question it? Well.....color me questioning. I just need to put down some of my random thoughts, because it does help me refocus, eventually. I have to get it out so that it doesn't stay inside me, polluting what progress I've made. So if you want to skip this part, feel free!

When I see people riding bikes past my house, their laughter being carried across the wind to my ears, I am jealous.

When I hear people making plans about going here or there, this social event or that movie, the camping trip, the vacation to the mountains, the family outing to see the relative across the country, when I see people on TV zooming across the lake on boats, or playing at the beach with their kids, I hurt.

When I see people taking their children for granted, their ability to play with them whenever they want, their ability to run around with them and play outside for hours on end, I'm angry.

When I see people taking their health for granted, I get even more angry.

I think about this stupid flu outbreak and just in general how careful I have to be about getting sick, and I feel like I'm living in a bubble. I feel isolated.

When people who don't know me very well tell me that everything will be alright, and that it will get better, I just have to keep a positive attitude, and think positive, I want to just scream at them, "YOU DON'T GET IT!"

This isn't a cold I will get over. This isn't a temporary condition. I have a chronic illness that will never go away unless God chooses to heal me, or they come up with a cure. I deal with this every. single. day. I won't wake up and have it gone. Most of the time I can deal with that, but these last couple of days have been tough. I feel like crap. The MG, my trach is hurting, which makes my whole neck and ears hurt, and I just have to deal with it. My life motto. Deal with it.

My husband is so busy he was home for all of about 4 hours yesterday, 2 of which Jacob and I were laying down. Jacob because he was taking a nap, I because I couldn't stand up any longer.

I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. No one really seems to get that. Not even my husband. Yes, I know God is with me. But to be frank, God isn't here in my home to pick up my child and change his diaper, or play with him when I can't, or run outside with him and play ball. You can't imagine what it feels like to have these big, beautiful, innocent eyes look up at you like you're perfect, and say, "Play catch outside, Mommy?" And I just bawl. Because I can barely keep my head above water, and I'm disappointing my son.

Yes, I believe that My Redeemer Lives. Yes, I believe that one day I will be in heaven, for eternity, and be whole. There will be no more crying. No more pain. No more tears. Oh, glory I can't wait for that one. No more tears. Sometimes I think I can't POSSIBLY have any more in there, and yet they flow like a raging river. Dear God PLEASE help me.

5 comments:

LRHG said...

I so wish I lived closer to you....I can offer prayers...

Kerri said...

Thank you Leah...I really appreciate your prayers...they keep me going, trust me!

Ginny said...

Kerri, I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you.

Even though we've not met yet, I feel we are friends and, as a friend, I feel helpless. If I lived close I would love to help with Jacob. I will be praying for you.

Kerri said...

Thanks, Ginny....today is a carbon copy...just feel so alone right now.

Ginny said...

Kerri,
There have been times when I felt so TOTALLY alone. A couple of times I expressed that to Christian people and in well meaning words they would quoted to me that God says He'll never leave us or forsake us....
You know, at that time, that didn't help me one bit. In fact, it almost made me mad because I still felt alone. I remember telling one person, "Yes, I know God will never leave or forsake us, but right now I want somebody with skin that I can see and touch". Girl, I'm too far away to see or touch your hand, but my heart goes out to you and I'm asking the Holy Spirit to bring you comfort in a special way right now! In spirit, you are not alone. You have many sisters in Christ who love you.