Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Acceptance?

Ug.

This past Sunday was wonderful and terrible at the same time. (Before I forget, NEVER get a Splenda smoothie. Oh. My. Gosh. I about puked.)

Doug and I had a bunch of errands to run. We dropped Jacob off and Grandma and Grandpa's house so we could get around a bit easier. It was hot and humid, and our air conditioning in the car works sometimes, sometimes not. Thank the Good Lord it was working Sunday!!

We had to go to Costco, (my fave!) and get Doug a suit for a presentation he has at a conference he's attending in August. (That's a whole separate post.) We had to get our rings cleaned...my wedding ring was HORRIBLE!! Doug had to get some cell phone accessories at the mall, and we were going to Famous Dave's to eat.

WELL. We go to Famous Dave's because we have a restaurant.com gift certificate. We get there and there's a sign on the door that says: "We no longer accept restaurant.com gift certificates as of July 1. Sorry for the inconvenience." Sorry?? BOO on you!! We specifically went to Grandville to go to Dave's, and worked everything else in. We could have gone the other direction just as easily. We were NOT happy. Dave is no longer famous in my book!!

At the mall I about had a breakdown. I was so hot, so weak, so tired. I had to walk with my cane. I just looked at all the people walking by and I was SO jealous. I'm like, "Look at how easily everyone is getting around, carrying all these shopping bags and corraling their kids, talking and laughing...and here I am struggling just to breathe and walk." It frustates me TO NO END that I cannot or have not just accepted this stupid disease. I've had it for TEN years for crap's sake. There's just part of me that can't, WON'T give in. While sometimes this has ket me alive, lately it has been to my detriment.

It annoys me that I'm jealous of them because I have no idea what their lives are like. Maybe they are on crack or bankrupt or stupid. How do I know?

I get worn down. I cry. I get frustrated. I pick myself up. I do okay. I get worn down. And so it goes. Part of me figures if I'm going to feel like crap, I might as well go out and do stuff feeling like crap instead of just sitting at home feeling like crap. Sorry, that was a load of crap in one sentence! : )

I don't know why I think I can convince myself I can do things I can't....just having a frustrating time. Ever since I went off my meds to have Jacob (which I would do all over again to have him), I haven't been the same. I don't think I ever will be. Damn this disease.

I hate it. I hate limitations and I hate feeling frustrated and I hate not doing what I want and need to do.

Well, that's the vent for today...I'll try to be back to my sunny self tomorrow!
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7 comments:

Punken said...

Sory you had a tough day hun:( I was diagnosed on my 15 birthday and I just pased my 35th 1/2 birthday and I still have not accepted it either! Why should we??? Hang in there **HUGS***

Margaret said...

I am sorry you had such a rough day. I have days like that as well. The only thing that gets me through is knowing that it will get better at some point!

Pam said...

sending lots of hugs your way,
It is frustrating...life's not fair, that is why God gave us each other to cry on each others shoulder and then go on...one moment at a time...

bluewhitelife said...

we still think you're awesome! :) also, I love the blog redesign (I admit, I may be way behind the time on this...I'm a google reader junkie)

you're still an inspiration to me solely because of all the effort you put in to find the right doctors. I'm in the process of starting that (again) in VA (my first appt is Friday, ah!) but really, I'm okay with prescription renewals for now - I do need to find a doc that knows what he/she is talking about eventually though! :) I'm so picky, I know ;)

Jenxr77 said...

I am so sorry Kerri, I will not accept it either, I keep striving for normal, which is my old normal. I had a teary eyed breakdown at my dad's on the 3rd b/c everyone could see how weak I was getting and I just wanted to fake normal. Hugs to you, you are not alone!
Jen

CoconutPalmDesigns said...

I say you just believe everyone else is stupid so there is nothing to be jealous of! Okay, so I know that probably doesn't help and I am sorry you had a rough day. I hope tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow are better days!

Hugs :-)
- Rainforest Mommy

Karen Mortensen said...

I am sorry you had all of these feelings to deal with. I liked what everyone has said. My good thoughts to you.