HUGE thanks to Kate from one of my MG groups on facebook for this: Prepare to snort. The [stuff in brackets] is mine.
Some doctors are educated idiots ..............
1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. [Really??]
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. [Maybe because she has you for a doctor??]
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. [this would be MORE accurate if it was from an insurance company!]
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. [Exactly the messages I get from my docs]
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. [won't EVEN go there.]
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until She got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical Therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. The patient refused autopsy.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. [okay, if this doesn't make you pee your pants laughing YOU need a doctor!]
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. [Really??]
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. [Maybe because she has you for a doctor??]
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. [this would be MORE accurate if it was from an insurance company!]
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. [Exactly the messages I get from my docs]
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. [won't EVEN go there.]
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until She got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical Therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. The patient refused autopsy.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. [okay, if this doesn't make you pee your pants laughing YOU need a doctor!]
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
3 comments:
This is hilarious! Stopping by from SITS. :)
Best collection I've seen in a long time, and I've been a nurse for 23 years! I've always thought hospital transcriptionists probably have to wear Depends to type this stuff up. I especially like the breasts that were equal and equally reactive to light - great mental image there ;)
When I was still working I'd see things like that now and then, all you could do was shake your head...some people never saw what was right in front of them!!!
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