Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Random Letters: Medical

Just to preface this, these are all based on my day yesterday.  Truth.

Dear Fellow MG'ers and U of M Staff of the Apheresis Clinic:

Thank you for your advice and trying to help me.  I am so thankful for this computer and facebook so I can ask a question that my doctors should know but don't, and YOU ALL do.  Thank you, thank you!


Dear MG,

You suck the life out of every cell I have.  You take my energy and happiness and stamina and sanity.  I hate you.


Dear Neurologists Everywhere:

If you are going to specialize in disorders of the muscles and nerves, please know what the h#ll you are talking about.  When I make an appointment to talk to you about my options of getting plasmapheresis (other than continuing the torture of using my veins with gigantic needles), I didn't expect you to say you had no idea.  Um, isn't that YOUR area of expertise?  I mean, I don't expect you to know how to RUN plasmapheresis, (although it wouldn't hurt), but shouldn't you have a basic understanding of the medical devices YOU have to order for me? Just a thought.  You've slipped a bit on my "favorite doctors list."

A Not-So-Confident-In-Your-Ability-Anymore Patient

Dear Vascular Surgeon,

When my neurologist refers me to you for a consult on the network of veins and arteries in my body, and asks what medical device would work best for my physical characteristics, I am unsure as to how that is an "inappropriate referral."  I realize you are a SURGEON, but contrary to popular belief you are NOT God, nor can you part the Red Sea.  You COULD, however, TRY to lower yourself to act like a human being and try to help a confused patient trying to make her life with a hideous chronic illness just a little less hideous.

A Formerly Confused Patient To Whom You Were A Thorn In The Flesh

Dear Interventional Radiology,

I am not just some random human being calling in and asking to be tortured by having a medical device implanted under my skin.  There may be a REASON I am calling, and specifically, since I had to CANCEL my previous procedure, rescheduling should not require a direct act of God.  Please stop treating me like a 4 year old who stole her Mommy's lipstick.  I know what I'm talking about, obviously more than you or anyone else in your department. (Except Darcy.  See below).

Not A Sadist, Just A Patient Who Actually Knows Something About Her Condition.

{I have to add that THIS morning I called I.R. and Darcy there was as helpful as could be and had all the answers I needed. You go girl!}

Dear Hemo-Onc. Lab Person,

I called you because my neurologist's nurse called YOU in the first place to find out what I needed as far as a port for plasmapheresis, and YOU gave her incorrect information the first time.  She was not available, so I went directly to the horse's mouth.  All I needed to know from you was whether or not there was a port capable of handling the pressures of plasmapheresis.  You informed me that you could not legally give me that information.  I was not asking for the location of the Ark of the Covenant for crying out loud.  I was asking if such a device existed and if so, the name of said device.  You're taking this HIPPA thing a liiiiitle too seriously.  I don't think medical devices have privacy rights.

Someone You Wouldn't Want To Talk To Face To Face After That Phone Conversation

Dear Local Pheresis People:

While I appreciate the fact that you do pheresis locally, and I don't have to travel 300 miles to get a treatment anymore, I'm a little concerned with the way you express your knowledge.  Instead of asking what kind of port I am going to get and declaring in a very concerned and skeptical way that it will not be sufficient for the pressures of plasmapheresis, might you suggest the RIGHT product?  Just a thought.

Sick Of Being Stabbed

And finally,

Dearest CindyLou-Boo-Boo-Pe-Doo,

My sistah.  You have saved my butt once again.  You came through in the clutch. You had allllll the answers.  You made it "more betta."  Thank you for all the information you sent me and all the time and effort you put into finding it.  Oh, I do have to say though, when you linked the Backyard Chicken thing to the discussion of the port and plasma exchange I thought you had temporarily lost it.....until I clicked on it. I adore you,  appreciate you, and love, love, love you muchly!  {And I'm still working on finding the person who separated us at birth....have to get back with you on that one!}



The Jammie Girl said...

Had to wipe down the keyboard after spitting coffee (yeah, it's a coffee in the evening sort of day)all over it at the part with the HIPPA Queen not giving you "Ark of the Covenant" information! Really, you have to laugh at these people or start ripping them apart with your bare hands, and ripping people apart is just SO exhausting . . .

Rachel said...

What a day! It certainly wasn't one of your best...Thank God Cindy was able to reach out with some information for you...she's a gift from above...

Patty Ann said...

Oh Kerri, I am so sorry that you have so many trials in your life. I love your humor though, and your willingness to educate the rest of us!! You are truly an amazing person!!