This is tough stuff. I'm so thankful that God gave me the child He did.
Some of you may know that Doug and I had tried to use a surrogate before we tried to get pregnant. I didn't respond to the fertility drugs, so I just assumed that because of all the medication and the MG, I couldn't have my own children. Which I was honestly okay with. I wanted to adopt. I still do. I don't want Jacob to be an only child.
When I agreed to try to get pregnant (I was terrified, mind you), I told Doug I would give him one year. I wasn't going to be the woman trying for 5 years to get pregnant, and then be 40 and try to adopt. He agreed that we would try for one year, and if we didn't get pregnant, we would start adoption proceedings.
Remember, I did not respond to the fertility drugs. (Which were HIDEOUS!)
In preparation for the "trying," I had to go off many of my meds, and had to go on insullin, because I was already diabetic. They had my insulin set so high, I kept having really low-lows, and they really didn't listen to me...so I gained 20 pounds before we even started. I had to be off my CellCept for 4 months before we could "try."
We started in October. I had charts and thermometers and all that stuff. I joined fertility groups and talked about things that I didn't even know existed. (I'll just leave it at that!) But I still thought it would take forever.
In 12 weeks, I was pregnant.
It was that time, that moment, that egg, that God knew was needed to make Jacob. He is amazing. He lights up my world. He was the best baby. The only baby I could have handled, really. After 5 weeks in the NICU, he was finally home. He only cried when he was tired, hungry, or needed his diaper changed. Otherwise he just kind of hung out. And observed everything.
And now as he grows, he is so compassionate. It's easier to explain things to him that he can understand. It's still really, really hard. I want so much more for him and me. For our relationship as mom and son. I know we have some special bonds that other mothers and sons WON'T have, but I've always wanted to be the mom to take her child to museums and libraries and nature centers and all kinds of fun places.
But I can't do that. MG took that from me.
But what God gave me in Jacob is so much more. And I'm so, so thankful.