Thursday, November 24, 2011

Not Your Typical Post

I always feel like I have to write a disclaimer when I do a post like this.  But then I think, this is my blog, this is who I am, and those of you who know me know I don't do well censoring myself.  The ONLY thing I want to convey is that from the bottom of my heart this is not about guilt.

I'm probably going to take it to church a bit today, but I'm preaching to myself as well.  So if you don't want to deal with anything but happy, "I'm so thankful"-ness, just stop reading now.

First of all, it kind of annoys me that we take once a year to be thankful for ALL of the things we have been blessed with.  And I am just as responsible for allowing this in MY life.  I am thankful all year around, and I need to express it more.  How about you?

Secondly, this day, for some, holds no thankfulness.  It is just another day...of struggling financially, of missing that loved one who couldn't come home for the holidays...  Another day in the wheelchair. Another day of being a single parent with too many bills, not enough money, and not enough time to raise his or her children the way they really want to.

For some, it is a painful reminder of the past.  Grief.  Remembering that your precious sister, mother, daughter, son, niece, nephew, grandparent, parent, brother, no longer with you.  I know so many for whom this will be the first of many firsts "without".

The first Thanksgiving without their child.  Without their sister.  Without their nephew.  Without their best friend.  Without their husband.

I just want us to be truly mindful of all that we have been blessed with, and to remember whilst eating turkey and stuffing and laughing and cajoling with those we love that there are MANY who aren't laughing.  There are many who are not eating.

There are many who mourn.

There are some who are resentful today.  Some who struggle with anger, justified or not.  I am loathe to admit I am one of those.  To me, the DAY doesn't matter as much as my attitude.  I should be thankful every day for all the amazing things and people my God has blessed me with.  Like my husband.  And my precious little boy.  And Doug's steady, wonderful job.  And my dad being cancer-free.  And my mom, faithful and steadfast to God and her family her whole. entire. life.

But I find myself angry and resentful at what once was and what should still be be, but isn't, and may never be again.

If there is one thing to know about me, it is that I try to be as honest as humanly possible.  Never in a hurtful way.  Never.  I just can't post sunshine and roses on command when my heart is full of crap it shouldn't be.   I can CHOOSE to be thankful, which I am.  I am CHOOSING to try with everything in me to rejoice and be glad and relish in the moment.  I will put a smile on my face for my loved ones around me, and pray that God will soothe the wounds inside me.

But part of me just can't.  Part of me has my own issues that are bigger than me, and part of me is just heartbroken for those I know and love who are hurting.

So please be mindful of those today who aren't exactly in the "I'm so thankful" mood.  Truly, we ALL have much to be thankful for.  But just because the calendar says we need to wear it on our sleeve TODAY, doesn't mean all of us can.


Carole Brown said...

Dear Kerri, When you started this post by saying maybe you should publish a disclaimer, I wondered what might lay ahead that I'd want to avoid - some unpleasant feeling, maybe?
I found nothing but grace and humility, truth and sincerity. You are an inspiration and one more thank you in my life. Long may you continue to post messages that are real and from the heart.
God bless you,

Jenxr77 said...

Well said Kerri! The Holidays are extra tough but I think we are like turtles, hard on the outside and all squishy inside. I am blessed to have you as a friend!

Pam said...

Dear Kerri
I want to ditto what Carole said "I found nothing but grace and humility, truth and sincerity. You are an inspiration and one more thank you in my life. Long may you continue to post messages that are real and from the heart."
This is how I felt yesterday...but did not know how to write it down with grace...I wanted to SCREAM to the world that Yes I am thankful for the air that I breathe...for the health that I have which is a gift from God...He alone gives me the strength to go to work for each shift and then I come home and go straight to the couch to rest so I can go back to another shift because I need to work to earn enough social security points so I can collect it when we retire or if I need help someday..I do not have enough becasue I was a stay at home mom. anyway,...I am thankful but I hurt...I miss my dad, my is hard.
so thanks for being Real!
love you Kerri

Patty Ann said...

Kerri,you are write, we never know what someone is feeling our hurting or going through. That is why kindness is one of the best gifts we can give to those around us. I have discovered that I use thanksgiving to be thankful for the things that I value and esteem. It doesn't matter anymore what others do with the day. It is one that I hold in my heart. I find the little things in my life that I can be thankful for and just let go of the rest. I trust that He is a much better judge and jury than I could ever be. I don't think the day is to put aside sadness, that is always there. I think it is to find within ourselves the things that we are surrounded with that we can feel gratitude for. Love your thoughts Kerri. As usual, you say it so well.