Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Pouring My Heart Out

So I have seen this before, but never really knew how to participate or how to link up, and it seemed I was always on the wrong day...well, I'm up early, it's {dare I say it} quiet, and so I actually got to poke around a little bit, and I am on the right day and everything.  Miracles never cease.

Then I'm thinking, well, I probably do this all the time...pour my heart out.  There really isn't anything I don't share on my blog.  I'm pretty much an open book.  But sometimes there are things I don't talk about, because of who might read them, or who I might offend, or who I might freak out, (mom) but today, I'm throwing caution to the wind.

Today, it's about depression.  Now everyone in my family knows that I struggle with depression, because half of them do too.  Mental illness runs in my family.  Yes I said mental illness.  Because that's what depression is: it's mental, not physical (although it affects you physically as well), and it's an illness.  It's not a mood, it's not a choice, it's not something that will "go away if you try hard enough."

It's a horrible, life-stealing, spirit-sucking, all-encompassing agony that people who DON'T suffer with it will never understand.  People who suffer from depression CAN have great days, yes.  They CAN be happy.  But when I am in the midst of a depressive episode, I can't just "snap out of it."  I can't just "cheer up."  I can't just "grin and bear it" as much as I wish I could.  As much as I will myself to just blow it off....I cannot.

My depression has been really bad lately, for many reasons.  Obviously, having a wonderful, normal, productive life and having it ripped away by a debilitating chronic illness doesn't help.  And it's been so hot that even though I may feel okay MG-wise in the house, I can't step outside because of the bizarre, record breaking heat wave.  I'm a prisoner in my own home, even when I'm not a prisoner in my own body. Talk about double whammy. 

And then there's just the stress of being chronically ill and all the BS that comes along with it.

Depression makes me want to just stop.  All my medication, all my treatments.   It makes me want to stop living, stop breathing, stop fighting so. damn. hard. for every minute.  Joyce Meyer has a book called "Battlefield of the Mind."  And that's exactly what it is: a battle.  And it's not an easy one.

Think about it:  do you know how much EASIER it would be for me to just swallow every pill in my house and call it a day? A life?  To NOT have to deal with MG and a trach and depression and pain and fibromyalgia and doctors and medications and prescriptions and fighting insurance companies for equipment I don't want to need and procedures I don't want to have?  Seriously.  Do you have ANY idea what it takes for me to make it through ONE DAY in my life???  There are days when it's all too much.

It is SO much harder to FIGHT than to just give up.

So why am I here?  Honestly, sometimes I don't know. But I know Who does.  God has obviously spared my life, because medically, scientifically, in the physical realm of life, I should not exist.  My body has gone through such turmoil and trauma that it physically should not have survived.  So how can I throw that away?

I cannot.

I am, at the core of my being, an optimist.  I love to love more than I hate to hurt.  I don't have the "give-up" gene.  It's not in my DNA.  And God knew I would need that when I was knit in my mother's womb.

Most of all, I have Hope.  I KNOW that when this life is over, I will be forever made perfect.  Physically, mentally, spiritually.  It will be as if a thick, hardened shell will be broken, and the REAL me will be allowed to come out and live eternally in physical and emotional perfection.

And no matter how long I am on this earth, compared to forever it's a drop in the bucket.  So when I am really, really down, I look into the eyes of my miracle child.

I think of the friends I have BECAUSE of this hideous illness called MG.

I think of the husband who stayed after finding out his wife might die, and finding out his wife would never be the person they both thought she would be, after only six weeks of marriage.

And I think of my God.  My Hope.  My Salvation.  My Rock.
I KNOW my Redeemer lives.

Do you?


Rita* said...

I cannot fathom the struggles in your life. I cannot pretend to understand, I cannot even sympathize acuratly no matter how hard I try. But, I can tell you that you are an encouragement to me and I see to many others whether they struggle as you do or not. You inspire. I think most importantly I can see that you are strong, but just as clearly I can see your strength is not your own. In that I am encouraged, not to try and live my life in my own strength. It would be too hard to anyway, (and yes I am aware how simple I have it.) I thank God you exist. I also appreciate your honesty and transparency. You are able to live a life fully human and fully in Gods grace.

Pam said...

I am crying tears as I read your post today, I deal with depression, I deal with vocal cord issues, I deal with other health issues, no they are not like yours we both struggle differently in different I do not know how you feel or fight daily, just know that I understand sort of since yesterday was a day that I could not do anything but lay on the couch and rest...get built back up. today is another day I need to lay low, my body says you have done too much REST!
I would rather do...
to rest.
but I need to rest so my vocal cords and breathing can get under control again...
no easy
but with God's help and encouragment from you to remember that we have a brighter future knowing our Lord and Savior is preparing us a place where there is no more pain, no more sorrow, no more tears will be worth it all!

I am very thankful that you are part of my life, you encourage me
I too appreciate your honesty and transparency.
this is one of my favorite verses:
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”
May God Bless you today and in the days ahead

JDaniel4's Mom said...

I can't imagine all that you have been through. It sounds like you have an amazing support systme. What a blessing!

Depression is such a tricky illness. Without a support system it can really pull you into it.

Michelle said...

Thaks for writing such a brave post!

Venessa said...

awww, little trach sister, as always, you have touched my heart you bunches and I'm so proud of your strength and testimony! The Father must have known how much I would need another MGer with a trach and I am (silently) praising Him for bringing us together!

Kristen said...

I'm glad I met you through PYHO... Chronic Illness lives here and depression resides in me also. Right now - I'm in a weird place because of how all these things interact. I'm so intrigued by your story... I'm going to poke around a bit. I'm glad you wrote about depression today. I have before (and have the same fears...(mom!) - so I know how hard it can be.

Jenxr77 said...

Kerri, you are so brave, I love you! I know you are walking in the darkness, yet you still see the light. When you feel up to it please let me know and we can get lunch, or an iced coffee...((hugs))

Jenxr77 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

You are helping so many with your honesty. Depression runs in my family as well, although I do not personally suffer. I'm glad you are here.

MDavidson said...

Dear Kerri, the gold that has been refined, and refined, in the furnace shines in you. Praying for you my dear friend and sister.

Shell said...

Your hope and your faith come through in your post. Even with everything you have going on, it comes through.