Friday, June 18, 2010

Random Mess (Ranting and Venting)

That pretty much describes my life right now. It's a random mess. And I hate it. I hate what this disease has taken from me. Mostly, my independence. I am SO. SICK. AND. TIRED. of having to call other people ALL. THE. TIME. for help. I don't like asking for help. I do, mostly for Jacob's sake, but I hate it. So much is out of my control I want to punch something.

JUST. FOR. ONCE. could something go smoothly for like, oh, more than 15 minutes? Yes, I'm venting. Today, I don't care. The past few weeks have sucked. Just sucked. I'm tired of everything being hard. I tired of fighting my illness for control of my body. I'm sick to death of not being able to do things with my family. Yes, I'm having a tantrum. NO, I don't give a crap. There are days when I just need to let some of this crap out or I'll explode. And I'd rather do it here than at my son.

I want to be able to go where I want when I want. I want to just be able to get in the car with my son and go somewhere. Anywhere. To a friend's house. To the store. Just for a drive. But 95% of the time I'm too exhausted to drive after I get everything in the car.

Inside I am the SAME. PERSON. I'VE. ALWAYS. BEEN. I think some people don't get that. My mind is the same. My heart is the same. My desires and dreams and hopes are the same. Only now, my body is holding all of those things captive.

You know, people complain about the STUPIDEST things. I overheard someone in the grocery store complaining because they changed the color of the packaging on their store brand products.


I remember when Jacob was in the hospital, full of tubes and IV's and on the vent, the church we attended at the time was completely up at arms, and some people actually left over a softball game.


I overheard someone bitching about the price of cigarettes. I have a $#*&!%# hole in my neck and struggle to breathe, and you're not only poisoning yourself but also complaining about the cost?

Are you KIDDING me???

I'm just fed up. I'm not pointing any fingers at anyone who reads my blog, so I hope no one takes offense. But if it makes anyone stop and think, so be it. There really are people out there who have more to worry about than what their hair looks like that day, or what shoes to wear.

I hate MG.
I want to be healthy.
I hate having a trach.
I want to gulp huge breaths of air, and talk without having to cover a hole in my neck.
I hate being "disabled."
I want to be able to work, and CHOOSE whether I want to or not.
I hate being dependent on other people.
I want to be able to take care of myself, my home ad my family without the whole flippin' wold having to help.
I hate having to say no so much more than I can say yes.
I'm. just. so. sick. of. it.



Anonymous said...

Hi! I love this vent, because ya know what? I agree with like 99% of it, except I don't have MG. So I can't have MG-specific complaints. However, people complain about EVERYTHING these days. It's about time we just sucked it up and dealt with it. Which also kinda stinks at times ;) Like when I want to go to the pool and lay out but I have some real nasty lookin scars on my thighs...but ya know what? I'm SO doing it tomorrow - I need some sun! That being said, I hope you have a couple good days in there! You so deserve them!

Karen Mortensen said...

I agree with what bluewhitelife said. I am sorry you have to go through this. But I feel the same way about this Fragile X crap. But I also know there is some big purpose to all of this and I try to remember that.
I was at the Dollar Store yesterday and the lady told me that a customer complained about the music in another Dollar Tree store, so they stopped playing it. I just want to smack people sometimes.

Jenxr77 said...

I'm so sorry Kerri and you are right, you do just need to let it all out and purge it from your system. I do this on a cyclical basis and call it my soul cleansing. Big hugs and prayers for you and get some rest, I really want to meet you tomorrow but totally understand if you can't make it.

@Home-Mom said...

I def get this way, you read it already ;) thank you and today has been better. No I don't have an illness (unless laziness and lack of discipline is one). I'm keeping you in my prayers just for that extra umph we all need daily, every minute some days.

I let it out so you can let it go, Hope you have a great weekend!

Sarah Beth said...

Thanks for being honest, Kerri - I'm praying for you! (And reminding myself not to complain about stupid things!)