Saturday, March 26, 2011

Life

I'm in a place right now where there is within my very soul an epic battle going on. The ultimate good versus evil. The consummate life versus death battle. Part of me is mad. Really, really mad. And I want to fight. Hard. And win.

The other part of me is completely spent. I feel like I have fought the good fight...I have run the race with all I had...and I just can't summon any reserves. I was feeling better yesterday than the day before. A friend came yesterday to take care of Jacob, which was wonderful, because I couldn't do it.

Then, 4 AM, Jacob comes in our room crying and coughing. Stuffy head. Runny nose. Cough. I'm like, really? Is this REALLY my freaking life?? It's almost laughable. If it weren't so pathetic.

I don't know what the Lord is trying to tell me. I really don't. I pleaded with God to give me a clear sign if I was NOT to go forward with the Rituxan. I don't do subtle. (I know, shocker!) I'm a hit-me-upside-the-head-with-a-2x4 kind of girl, and God knows that. So I pulled a Gideon. I put out the fleece. I got nothing. So I went ahead. And it was a big, fat failure. And I lost any ground I had gained health wise.

It's like, I'm not Paul. I can't stand in the cesspool, in chains, with poop up to my knees and sing Hallelujah. I just don't have the strength or character or something.

I believe God is good.

I believe He loves me.

I believe that He has a plan for me. I thought I knew what it was, but it included me healthy. So obviously I was wrong on that one.

I believe that God can use anything for my benefit.

I believe He wants what's best for me.

But for the life of me I can't understand why He won't just let me come up for air.

6 comments:

LRHG said...

I hate when the answer seems to be no answer on this side of Eternity. On the other hand, we are so often admonished to "be still". I'm not good at that. Maybe you're not either? Maybe that's the lesson. And sometimes that's the hardest lesson of all!

Pam said...

tears running down my face...what can I say
I want to hug you Keri
my cousin sent me a card yesterday with these words written on them from Ellen Brenneman

I know you trust in God
so I won't preach about knowing He's there for us
all the more when we need Him most
And I know you have the wisdom
To see through clichés and pat answers
So I won't offer any easy advice
Instead what I want to offer is a gentle reminder
of just how much strength
you have inside...
I've seen it
And so has everyone who knows you.
I hope you can feel God's presence and power
In a personal way right now...
And I hope you can feel
The caring, understanding, and support
That's going out to you
from my heart

I love you Kerri

Pam said...

oh and Kerri,I was crying buckets yesterday bc I had had it with everything going on...I so needed a hug and God sent me my cousin to remind me that I am not alone...Kerri I hope and pray that this reminds you that you are not alone...NEVER.

Patty Ann said...

Kerri, I am so sorry. One of my favorite quotes EVER is simply this:
The goal is not to win the race,
But to run it in honor and dignity;
in testimony and worthiness.
We are not here to win. We are here to do the best we can and to lean on Him for everything. I don't know why you are sick, I don't understand why the doctors can't find something that works for you. But I do know that you are amazing and that you are strong, and that you are good. I do know that you are an example to so many people. You are not alone. You are never alone. You are stronger than you know you are. I love you. I am sorry that this is so hard. I wish I lived closer so that I could help. But know that you are in my heart and prayers today and always.

Renee Ann said...

I know you know all the verses, Kerri . . . I think sometimes the answer is like it was in Job's life. The battles we fight not only teach us, but also help us shine as testimonies to the unseen forces. Our broken lives shout out, "Tho' He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." . . . Praying for you . . .

Kerri said...

Thank you ladies!! Your prayers and support mean so much.