I Am A Dichotomy

di·chot·o·my  \dī-ˈkä-tə-mē also də-\

1. a division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities 

Synonym:  paradox

par·a·dox  \ˈper-ə-ˌdäks, ˈpa-rə-\

3. one (as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases 


I've just been thinking lately how "at war" I seem to be within myself.  It kind of culminated  yesterday when I was doing a Bible study on suffering.  This particular lesson was on satan and suffering.  {You're thinking great, satan, suffering and Bible study lead this girl to a war within???}  But really.... I guess one thing links to another and really, the whole Christian battle is dichotomous, is it not?


Our "inner being" is selfish and spoiled and wants what it wants when it wants it!  But the Holy Spirit in us, the "new" being, has the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. {Yeah, I've got all THOSE figured out.}


But there's so much more to it than that, for me anyway.  I am at once extremely merciful and compassionate, yet equally adamant about justice for wrongdoing.  Not that they need to be mutually exclusive, but most times it seems like a person is one or the other.  There is a specific situation I have in mind for this:  take the example of an abused woman.  Just she and her husband at home. Her children are grown.  Yet she chooses to stay.


Part of me says, "Well, she's probably terrified and he's probably threatened her and she feels like staying is the right thing to do so no one gets hurt."


The OTHER part of me says, "Tough crap, grow a pair and get out."  And there is VERY little sympathy in THAT part of me.


Other instances:  I'm sort of healthy for a sick person.  I mean, my blood pressure, cholesterol, kidneys, liver, heart, all that stuff is just great.  But don't ask me to walk uphill in the sand for more than 5 feet because my legs will give out and I'll fall.  Other people seem to LOOK the epitome of health, yet drop dead.  I knew a man in the peak of health, late 40's, early 50's, ran every day....just dropped dead on a run one day.  

Paradox.


I love enjoy living in the country, most of the time.  The open spaces, the country air, the gentle breezes. Watching my son grow up in a way which, in my mind, is the best way a boy can grow up.  Room to run, frogs to catch in the pond, his faithful dog always a step behind him.  Not having neighbors in your face.  No noise pollution.  Clearer skies to see the stars because it's SO dark at night.  The amazing sunrises behind the barn.  The sunsets that rival the ocean's horizon.


But then there are the bugs.  And mice.  IN the house.  And the 5 foot snake skin my husband found (still wet from its being shed) in our yard.  And that it takes 10 minutes to get a store that doesn't sell BAIT next to the bread. The fact that a tractor is more important than a car.  The smell.  Of cows and grass and cut hay and dirt and duck poo.  

And the noise.  Whoever said the country was peaceful has never lived where I do. The roaring and clicking of crickets and other insects, and annoying dissonant chords of the tree frogs.  The croaking of bullfrogs, and hammering of woodpeckers. Add the chickens, and ducks, and turkeys.  Oh my heavens, the turkeys.  Turkeys are the loudest birds I have ever heard except for peacocks.  Peacocks are RIDICULOUS.  The ginormous cows are actually the quietest animals we have!


And I love dogs. I do.  I LOVE them.  But I'd sell the 3 I have now for a good cup of coffee!  They are always underfoot, tracking in mud and dirt and nasty Lord-knows-what else.  They stink and shed and make me crazy.


Well, I suppose that's enough for today.  My brain hurts from all the inconsistency.