Sunday, March 21, 2010

Expectations

One thing that frustrates and saddens me more than anything is when people have expectations I simply can't meet. It breaks my heart when it is someone who should know me as well as I know myself. Someone who KNOWS what happens to me when I overdo it...

How many times must I defend myself? My breath is already limited, so how much do I have to waste on telling you AGAIN what my limitations are, when you already know?

It is so maddening.

When I was younger I felt like my dad had expectations I could never meet, since perfection was the standard. My dad has changed a lot, but now I have another person in my life doing the same thing. I'm sick when it's convenient for them. I'm FINE when they have to do something and need me to pick up the slack.

To look into the eyes of someone you love and see nothing but disappointment, when you honestly are doing your best....it's rough. Really rough. It just adds to the wretchedness of chronic illness.

I don't know what words I can say that will make you understand. I've tried and tried, but you always give me the same look of disbelief. The same condescending, negative shaking of the head. I want to slap you and cry and scream and FORCE you to live in my skin for a week. Hell, a DAY. To do what I do. I push myself so hard...for YOU....and you.just.don't.get.it. I will never meet your expectations the way they are now. Never. I wish you could just understand that. And that agonizes me. Why can't you just love and accept me the way I am? That's all I really want.

5 comments:

Pam said...

Kerri, do not try to explain it to anyone, it is not worth trying to explain and if you have to then they do not know you, just do the best that you are able to do, do what you feel God is asking you to do, you can not change them so you just need to focus on how you respond to them...that is all you can do,
I know it hurts but life hurts...remember He collects all your tears, hurts and frustrations,
God understands and He knows what you are going through, Hang in there, love you sending hugs and prayers your way
Pam

Joanna said...

Sorry sweetie. The male species is just too weird to understand some days. :}

Margaret said...

I am sorry that they just don't get it!

GlowinGirl said...

I hope your day is better. I prayed for you when I read this yesterday.

Thanks for stopping by my blog -- I went to ISU. :)

Dogmom Diva said...

Hi Kerri, first thank you for stopping by and following me (and I know its not creepy lol) and for entering my giveaway.

I just signed up to follow you..Second, I also have chronic illness and this post just screamed I know exactly what you mean. I am tired of trying explain to almost everyone except my husband and doctors that some days I am not so bad, others I can't move. They will not understand, ever, and its not that they dont want to, they just CANT.

Take care,
Barb