The sunshine this week was really cool. Thanks for that. Made lots of people happy. Thanks that my back is getting better, and my cold didn't get too bad either...You know how scary it is for me when I get sick. I know I need to trust You more in that area!
I guess what I really wanted to talk to you about is Jacob. God, that little boy can make my heart sing, dance, and break all at the same time. I look at him and think, how did this precious, innocent little being come out of the likes of me? But then I remember how YOU see me. That in Your eyes, I am beautiful and precious too. That You chose me. That You love me with a love that I'll never remotely understand.
But God, when I look at Jacob, and when I see him with someone else, specifically another mom, who is "normal" health-wise, who can pick him up and tickle him, and twirl him, or get down on the floor with him and play like most parents do....Oh, Lord. It's then that my heart just aches. Will that ever go away? I want so much for him. I know You do too, because He is your child even more than he is mine.
While I am so grateful for the amazing people you have seen fit to put in my life to help me...O, God, what would I do without them? I am truly so thankful....and yet my stupid pride is so jealous God. I don't want to be envious. I really, really don't. But lately it's become a real problem. I'm so envious of other people's health. I'm so jealous of what other people can do with MY son. I want to be doing those things with Jacob, Lord! I want to be throwing him up in the air and running around with him on my back giving him horsie rides...sitting on the floor and playing cars, or dinosaurs, or having elephant battles. But instead I feel trapped. Trapped up on the couch in this broken vessel, Lord. This worn out body. Looking into those big beautiful blue eyes and having to let him down once again because "Mommy can't."
Please help me with my attitude God. I so just want to be thankful for these wonderful people who help me out, PERIOD. I don't want the "but I wish I..." part. I don't want the negative feelings about myself and my illness. There is nothing I can do about it until you decide to heal me. Whether that's this side of heaven or not, I know that's not something You're gonna tell me right now. And I'm good with that. I just need Your help with a few other things then...like helping me to be content with what I AM able to do. Help me to focus on the positive in my life Lord, because there really is so much.
Thanks God. Thanks for always being there and listening, and always having my best interests at heart whether I even realize it or not. And most of all, thank you for the priceless gift of my son, Jacob. My life would never have been the same without him God. He is amazing. Thanks again.
Your daughter Kerri