Thursday, January 5, 2012

Swimming Upstream

That's me.  Swimming upstream.  Going against the flow.  Fighting my way through.  It gets SO. OLD.  But I can't stop....not when I know what I'm doing is right.  So it puts me in the grave early...what else is there to do?  Compromise what I believe because no one has my back?  I know I'm being a bit ambiguous, and I'm sorry for that.....there's just a situation that I can't really COMPLETELY discuss because if the wrong person reads it, my life will only get MORE difficult.

Anyway.  It just seems like everything is a fight.  Trying to raise my child the right way.

Homeschooling.  I'm "this" close to sending Jacob to school, but I just CAN'T.  Not just the germs (if I didn't have the trach I MIGHT consider a charter school) but I'll just get sick and it will be crappier than it is now. I am just getting over pneumonia from a cold Jacob picked up and gave to me.  He's so smart....he would be bored out of his mind.  But it's just not healthy to be around your child 24/7/365.  Maybe I'm just selfish.

Isolation.  Feeling alone in every way.  Emotionally.  Physcially, for sure.  Mentally.  Spiritually.  Parenting.  Discipline. It's tough right now, let me tell ya.  Add running a business and chronic illness....and welcome to my life.

I know other people have it much worse.  MUCH worse.  There are a few people in some of my MG groups online who are MUCH sicker than I am, and have other horrifying personal things going on.  I know that I have to keep my chin up.  But lately it seems like every time I try to stick that chin up, I just get a swift right uppercut. 

{Sigh.}  Jesus told us that in this life we would have trouble.  I just didn't know it would be so painful.

And that's another "upper" post from me...sorry...just gets old having to always think of someone worse off than you to make you feel better.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now. That totally sucks. And it doesn't matter if it could be worse, it feels the worst for you. Hang in there!!

Joanna said...

This too shall pass....just never fast enough! Sorry you're slugging it out alone. While you're not totally alone, it just feels like it because you're the one doing all the heavy lifting.

Margaret said...

Hang in there. It always gets better and God always has a reason for everything we go through and have to face.

Patty Ann said...

Oh, I am so sorry. I know it is hard. How are you homeschooling him? Is it on the computer? Or do you have to come up with everything on your own? How is his immune system?? Have you ever sent him to school, or did the doctors tell you not to? My girl have never gotten very sick from school. They are very healthy and hardly ever catch anything. If he has a good immune system, he might not bring home all the germs to you, and you both might enjoy the time. It is something to think about anyway. I love the idea of homeschooling, but it does not work in my family. I dont think that I have the patience to pull it off for one thing. You are amazing. Does he do other things with kids? Music? scouting? swimming? If you put him in a class of some kind, you might find that you enjoy the hour or two and it just might give him something that will help him appreciate all you do.

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, you are NEVER EVER alone...I am only a phone call away...but so sorry that I cannot physically be there to help you. I am always amazed that the people you love and who you love, who DO live near you, fail to reach out to you more often. I am SO very sorry for that;
Hang in there sweets