Friday, May 14, 2010

Blah.

Hey all.

{crickets chirping}.

Anyone out there?

Today is just not a super day. I've had my rib belt/weight belt on 24/7 for like 6 days. Went back to the chiro today and the rib was starting to come out again! What the Heck?

Went shopping for a baby girl gift for my niece after my appointment. Made me bawl. Not so much the little girl stuff, just the baby stuff.

I know everyone goes through it, the "I want another baby phase"....but I'm not only sad, I'm angry. I'm angry that it was chosen for me how many children I could have. I'm going to be 40 in January. With my health the way it is, there's no way I want to go through another pregnancy, even if I DID survive it. I couldn't handle another baby in the NICU, so that's just out.

But Doug doesn't even want to discuss adoption (not in the positive anyway). That was the "deal" before I had Jacob. I'll have one naturally, then we adopt.

A few weeks ago I made the mistake of saying something at my in-laws house about hoping to adopt yet, and a few days later I got an earful about "what a terrible idea that is. I can't even handle Jacob why on earth do I think I could handle 2? Two are a lot more work...and they need care, and love, and attention....."

I'm like, no crap, Jack. I want to wait til Jacob's like 5, then get another 4 or 5 year old. Today Doug and I were talking about it briefly, and Jacob must have heard us. He came up to me and said "I want another child."

I know that nothing is impossible with God, and I am just praying that if He wills it, there will be a way. I just feel ripped off right now. I know that this disease has actually changed my life for the BETTER in a LOT of ways...the kind of person I am, how much I appreciate the little things, how I don't get angry at the drop of a hat anymore, a deeper relationship with God...

But it's taken away so much. My ability to sing...to have as many children as I'd like, to not be able to work at all, to not be able to keep my house up....

{Sigh}. Just a sad day today, I guess.

1 comment:

Joanna said...

Aww - sorry. Sheesh! Nothing like people coming out of the woodwork to stomp all over your dream, huh? Time for some X-lax laced brownies. Muwahaha!! :)