Sunday, December 26, 2010

Update

Hey all. What a bizarre last few weeks. Christmas was nothing like I had planned it was going to be, yet it was okay. I'm....processing. I guess that's the best word. I'm trying not to be over emotional, or angry, or frustrated, or hateful...I'm just really trying to accept that I've been acting like a crazy person for the last year or so.

All of the sudden I find myself in this bizarre kind of time warp where I've been in and out of the hospital a crapload of times in 2 weeks, and I'm back to almost exactly 10 years ago. When I got out of the hospital for the final time, I think I felt better by my birthday than I feel now. My 30th birthday. My 40th is in nine days.

Only this time I knew exactly what was going on, and did it to myself. Push, push, push. One more errand. One more batch of cookies. One more story for Jacob. One more load of laundry.... One more.... And then it just stopped. I couldn't breathe, and I could not do one. more. breath.

There's this whole acceptance-defiance thing. It's like I completely went mad a year or so ago and decided I was going to act like I wasn't sick anymore (not consciously, because that would be silly!). Start running errands on my own. Taking Jacob on errands. By myself. Did it matter I could barely see or drag one foot in front of the other or walked around stumbling from double vision? That I was so crabby I was probably a horrible friend, sister, mother and wife? Nope. I was going to do it ON. MY. OWN.

Doug too busy at work? Fine. I'd do it all myself. Jacob went to Shawn's one day a week, so I started going out every Wednesday to either appointments or just going out. I should have been resting.

Now it's like it hit me all over again, after all this time. I have a neuromuscular disease that I have to live with. And deal with. I can't ignore it, because it does not go away. No amount of wishing or pretending can will this disease from my body. I pray. I hope. But I still live with it.

And therein lies the key. Somehow I have to make peace with this life with MG. I can yell at it and scream at it and call it every name in the book....but it will not change. I can rebuke the MG in the name of Jesus, but if Jesus decides that I have not gotten through the journey He has for me, it will stay.

And it is up to me to deal with that.

6 comments:

Rachel said...

My mother used to say 'God will never give us more of a burden than he thinks we can handle, We need to pray for shoulders strong enough to carry that burden" She was a very wise women....I pray for strong shoulders each and every day!

I know you have STRONG shoulders, don't let them slump, keep them up!!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

Karen Mortensen said...

Excellent thoughts there at the end. That is what we all have to do eventually weather we want to or not. Thanks for the reminder.

emilene said...

Kerri - Romans 15:13 is for you today:

'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.'

Hugs from Cape Town!

Krista said...

Why oh why is so hard to except our limitations and do we push ourselves so far past this line? I know this is part of the path God purposed for our lives. But sometimes, my humanness comes out- the anger, depression, tears, mental pain, physical pain.

A sister in Christ keeping you in prayer
Krista

Krista said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Renee Ann said...

Praying peace for you, Kerri. I love this verse from Isaiah 30: "Your ears will hear a word behind you, 'This is the way, walk in it,' whenever you turn to the right or to the left."