Hey all. What a bizarre last few weeks. Christmas was nothing like I had planned it was going to be, yet it was okay. I'm....processing. I guess that's the best word. I'm trying not to be over emotional, or angry, or frustrated, or hateful...I'm just really trying to accept that I've been acting like a crazy person for the last year or so.
All of the sudden I find myself in this bizarre kind of time warp where I've been in and out of the hospital a crapload of times in 2 weeks, and I'm back to almost exactly 10 years ago. When I got out of the hospital for the final time, I think I felt better by my birthday than I feel now. My 30th birthday. My 40th is in nine days.
Only this time I knew exactly what was going on, and did it to myself. Push, push, push. One more errand. One more batch of cookies. One more story for Jacob. One more load of laundry.... One more.... And then it just stopped. I couldn't breathe, and I could not do one. more. breath.
There's this whole acceptance-defiance thing. It's like I completely went mad a year or so ago and decided I was going to act like I wasn't sick anymore (not consciously, because that would be silly!). Start running errands on my own. Taking Jacob on errands. By myself. Did it matter I could barely see or drag one foot in front of the other or walked around stumbling from double vision? That I was so crabby I was probably a horrible friend, sister, mother and wife? Nope. I was going to do it ON. MY. OWN.
Doug too busy at work? Fine. I'd do it all myself. Jacob went to Shawn's one day a week, so I started going out every Wednesday to either appointments or just going out. I should have been resting.
Now it's like it hit me all over again, after all this time. I have a neuromuscular disease that I have to live with. And deal with. I can't ignore it, because it does not go away. No amount of wishing or pretending can will this disease from my body. I pray. I hope. But I still live with it.
And therein lies the key. Somehow I have to make peace with this life with MG. I can yell at it and scream at it and call it every name in the book....but it will not change. I can rebuke the MG in the name of Jesus, but if Jesus decides that I have not gotten through the journey He has for me, it will stay.
And it is up to me to deal with that.