Ug. Yesterday was one of "those" days. I felt okay physically, but along with a chronic illness comes emotional and mental stress. One of the WORST things about chronic illness is that it is so isolating by nature. It's not really anyone's FAULT...it just is.
Doug and Jacob were outside all day in the sunshine (which is too warm for me and makes me itch), and I was once again stuck in the house. Doug says, "Well, what do you want to do today? Why don't you come out by us?" Which would mean going out and sitting in the shade somewhere, being swarmed by bugs (I must emit a pheromone that attracts every insect within a country mile...they LOVE me), watching Doug and Jacob do things I can't. Hmm...no thanks. I don't need salt in the wound.
So yes, I had a big ol' pity party. I bawled most of the day, wondering why I have 2 wonderful ladies in my life that come once a week, and that's about it. I don't see anyone else really regularly. Weekends really stink because everyone is doing stuff with their families, and mine is outside. Yesterday I just needed someone with skin on. Someone to come to my house just to visit me. I'm not contagious. I don't have cooties. I needed a hug and someone to tell me that they love me just the way I am. Bug-hating, sunshine-itching, allergic-to-the-world, chronically-sick ME. Even thinking about it again gives me a big ol lump in my throat.
I am an extrovert. I love people. But it appears that people don't love me....or as my ever-so-positive- hubby says, "they love me....from a distance." Nice. It just seems that I used to have a lot of friends. I could call a handful of people and say, "Hey wanna go out for lunch?" Now, it's just me. And Jacob. And for a few hours on Tuesday, Karen and Kerry.
I'm thankful for a dear MG friend who gave me an "I hear you" letter, and a gentle but swift kick in the pants. My kinda gal. Thanks CindyLou.
Anywho. I'll stop whining now. I just want people to understand that sometimes the PHYSICAL part of chronic illness is the LEAST painful.
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10 comments:
I've even stunk at leaving you internet love lately! I think it's one of those months. We're so freakin busy I can barely even think straight.
But, I think you're awesome. And I really want to hear about your homeschooling Jacob if you need new blog topics.
AND, I wish I wore jewelry so I could buy some from you, but...I'm pretty much jewelry-less. Maybe Christmas presents though? I'll get back to you :)
I think we have alot in common Kerri,alot of what your blog said today is much like me,I too have those friends that love from a distance,And Im glad Ive got the chance to meet you and your jewlery,will def be buying some more,this is a hard disorder to live with,I was only diagnosed 2 years ago and just in early 2010 I was able to drive again,Thanks for sharing
I think there are a lot of people that are better at loving from a distance. Everyone gets so busy that they forget the very best gift we can often give someone is just a little bit of our time. I am so sorry kerri. I wish I lived closer and could help once in a while. I think we would get along famously. I am currently in Kansas City with my daughter and beautiful new grand-baby. She is gorgeous (of course) and my daughter is stir crazy and wants to get out and do something. So, I can relate. I injured my back a couple of days before I came and am not good for much outside right now. Hopefully it will get better and I can go back to doing the things I love. You are in my prayers tonight Kerri. I hope someone surprises you and comes by. Love you.
I agree with you...loneliness is difficult. Last year all my kids were in school for the first time. It is lonely and to not be able to get out and do things makes it even tougher.
These are 'stretching' moments for both of us. What can we do to support each other?
I'm sorry you had such a rough day Kerri! Tight tight hugs!
Cheers :-)
- CoconutPalmDesigns
These kind of days are really awful. It's either there are no people around us and we feel so alone or we are in the midst of so many people yet still feel so alone.
Hope things are a lot better now. Happy SITS Day!
I'm sorry you were down that day. Most of the people I know are too busy to see me much. I probably only see one of my friends once a month. I'm happy with just my husband and kids most of the time though but there are those days I need more.
I'm sorry you have these days. It's good that you have these two wonderful friends you can count on. I hope you are enjoying your SITS day!
This made me cry. I'm sorry you were so alone.
I totally get the "someone with skin on" thing. I am never completely alone. I always feel God with me. But sometimes I just want a hug.
I do not have as much difficulty getting out as you do. I can't imagine how hard that would be.
My problem is that I tend to isolate myself. I withdraw from activities and life because it's just too hard and I'm too tired. People see me and think I'm okay. Well, of course I'm okay. I only leave the house when I'm okay.
Thank you again for a beautiful post that captures so much of what I feel.
Enjoy all the love today. And it's in writing so you can come back and re-read when you're having one of those days. Isn't that a great thing about cyber connections - we aren't alone. As a pretty new empty nester - I hear that clock ticking on the wall sometimes and miss the hustle and bustle of kids being underfoot. I think we all have some lonely days. Good for you for putting the elephant in the room out there in this post.
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