Monday, January 18, 2010


I'm sitting here listening to David Cook's song, Permanent. It's about his brother, Adam, who died from brain cancer. Adam was sick while David was on American Idol, and died the following May. One of the lines is, "I know he's living in hell every single I ask, Oh, God, is there some way for me to take his place? And when they say he's so touch and go I wish I could make it go away."

If you've ever had a loved one in pain, you know that you would do ANYTHING to make it stop. And when you can't, it's the most helpless feeling in the world.

Music moves me. I love it. All kinds. I've said before one of the hardest things about this d#mn illness is that I cannot sing like I used to. Music can move me to tears very easily. This song is haunting and beautiful, and makes me cry every. single. time. I listen to it. It's amazing. That he can sing with so much emotion without cracking...If you sing, you know how tight your throat gets when you get emotional...

I miss singing. I mean, I'm so grateful I can talk, and I can sing "this" much...I have a range of about 4 notes...but I used to SING. I love to sing to God, to worship, and oh, do I struggle with why that was taken away.

I have been missing Linda like crazy (for new readers, Linda was my best friend who died from metastatic endometrial cancer October 2, 2008 after an 11 month battle). This song (Permanent) just penetrates my heart. I can listen to it over and over and just feel his pain. I guess partly because I know what he's feeling. Linda was like my sister. Oh, girl I miss you.


Young Wife said...

Yes, it is SO hard to watch someone you love suffer. Do you play the piano or guitar? I wonder if that might make up for some of the music loss. I'm a terrible pianist, but it is so therapeutic for me.

Joanna said...

I feel that way about Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD. The words oh how they make me bawl. I don't know how people can sing the raw emotions.

Btw, I love to watch you worship. You pour everything you got into it.