Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What is my purpose?

Struggling today. I feel so....purpose-less. Mundane. I looked in my Synonym Finder (for those newer readers: I'm a word nerd. Other than the Bible, this is my lifetime favorite book) and this is how I feel today: Mundane. Common. Trite. Regular. Ordinary. Everyday. Stale.

Sometimes I feel like life is passing me by...when I'm ill I miss so much...when I'm not, I'm catching up on all the mundane tasks of life that I couldn't handle when I wasn't feeling well. Everything is the same. I mean, yes, I have a wonderful husband and son, and I am blessed with them beyond anything I deserve, for sure. I love them with all my heart, and thank God every day for them.

I just feel so restless. Almost as if this illness has taken me out of the "game" and the "sub" they sent in has taken over...I'm not part of the team anymore. After you're out of the picture for so long, you get replaced. Work. Church. Friendships. Family. Out of sight, out of mind.

I don't know...hard to explain. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, honestly. I just feel kinda lost. I blog about my illness, about chronic illness...try to educate peole...but honestly. With 20 followers, am I really making a difference?

I don't know where I fit anymore. I don't work. I don't really have a church that I belong to. I can't be commit to anything regularly due to my health, so I don't join things. And that's isolating. And for an extrovert who thinks isolation is a special level of hell, it's not a lot of fun for me.

I don't need ridiculous fun and fireworks every day of my life...I get that that isn't realistic. A few sparks here and there would be nice. It's like, is this really all there is? There's just got to be more...I was made for more! But that "more" always seems just out of my reach.

Must be my midlife crisis or something. I guess that partially explains the purple hair. : )

7 comments:

Joanna said...

Well you certainly nailed what I'm feeling - minus the illness.

Jenxr77 said...

You made a difference to me. Thank you for being so honest, it is refreshing. And it is okay to feel like this from time to time. Let it all go and cleanse it out.

Beverly said...

You have made a difference for me too. I am better educated on your disease and the feelings you have about it.
I am a nurse and I run across many people...some with the same problem you have, and most of the people I cpme across have something going on...it is great that I have a new insight and can be more empathetic...so thank you for being here.

Pam said...

ummmmmmmmmmmmm...I really can relate...so I can say I have cried buckets today...God has a huge supply of mine stored somewhere since He tells us in His precious word that He collects them all!

You are making a difference in my life I need you... you understand how I feel being home as much as I am you say what I want to and really don't know how to...

When I am hurting and write to you and ask you to pray you do...
you encourage me on my blog, look what you wrote yesterday, I would not be so open and honest on my blog with out your encouragement to be open and honest and it is ok...as a child I was told so many times that I needed to suck it up and not to cry, I was taught to hide my feelings I learned to stuff them down till I explode...that is not healthy
I have feelings, I hurt...and that is ok... you allow me to be...myself...
I love you Kerbear...not sure how to spell that but do you know what I mean. (ker bear)

I love you
do you know how special you are...
listen to this it might help to remind you that even if you touch one life on your blog, which you touch many more than that it is worth it...
http://www.youtube.com
/watch?v=6BS_Kv

Suffering and Ministry: A Quote by Charles Spurgeon

CC said...

thank you for your honest post. My husband is dealing with chronic pain conditions that have altered his life dramatically. He had to drop out of school and spends most of his day in bed or going to medical appointments too. I don't know how to help or support him through all this, as I take on his responsibilities now too. :(

Priscilla said...

Same here. It must be something in the air. I can't seem to get that umph I usually have at starting a new semester.

Corrie Howe said...

I think we all go through these times of evaluation. When we know where we are going then we aren't very useful to God.

And you are reaching people on the Internet.