Struggling today. I feel so....purpose-less. Mundane. I looked in my Synonym Finder (for those newer readers: I'm a word nerd. Other than the Bible, this is my lifetime favorite book) and this is how I feel today: Mundane. Common. Trite. Regular. Ordinary. Everyday. Stale.
Sometimes I feel like life is passing me by...when I'm ill I miss so much...when I'm not, I'm catching up on all the mundane tasks of life that I couldn't handle when I wasn't feeling well. Everything is the same. I mean, yes, I have a wonderful husband and son, and I am blessed with them beyond anything I deserve, for sure. I love them with all my heart, and thank God every day for them.
I just feel so restless. Almost as if this illness has taken me out of the "game" and the "sub" they sent in has taken over...I'm not part of the team anymore. After you're out of the picture for so long, you get replaced. Work. Church. Friendships. Family. Out of sight, out of mind.
I don't know...hard to explain. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, honestly. I just feel kinda lost. I blog about my illness, about chronic illness...try to educate peole...but honestly. With 20 followers, am I really making a difference?
I don't know where I fit anymore. I don't work. I don't really have a church that I belong to. I can't be commit to anything regularly due to my health, so I don't join things. And that's isolating. And for an extrovert who thinks isolation is a special level of hell, it's not a lot of fun for me.
I don't need ridiculous fun and fireworks every day of my life...I get that that isn't realistic. A few sparks here and there would be nice. It's like, is this really all there is? There's just got to be more...I was made for more! But that "more" always seems just out of my reach.
Must be my midlife crisis or something. I guess that partially explains the purple hair. : )