Attitude Check

Pardon me while I think out loud for a minute here. It's about time I list things I'm thankful for, because right now, I honestly would rather go into a corner and feel sorry for myself. My frustration level last night was about 90%...I have so much in my brain that I want to be doing. After all, my brain is still "normal." My mind is the same (well, ALMOST) as it was 15 years ago before I got sick. And it simply WILL NOT COOPERATE with my broken body. It refuses to accept, once and for all, that this illness has changed me. ALL of me.

I'm not sure how you can live with something for 15 years and not accept it. It's like every day I wake up, my brain just firing away at all of the things I want to do...and then it hits me again. "I can't" never used to be in my vocabulary; now it is necessary. I don't REALLY wish I had had MG my whole life, because I've done lots of cool things...but it's SO hard to lose something as vital as your independence.

Anyway:

I AM THANKFUL
* that God loves me whether I am able bodied or ill, and as Jacob would say, "He loves us even when we're naughty."

*that my husband has taken care of me for our entire marriage, that he has stood by me whether on the mountaintop (literally) or in the hospital bed

*that my son is healthy and smart and beautiful inside and out, that on my worst day, he can look at me with those adoring, big blue eyes and say, "I love you Mommy" and everything is right in the world again

*for friends who truly love me, who help me when I need it, and encourage me

*for pastors and laypeople who call to check on me and see how I am doing

*for my family, parents, sisters, brother, nieces and nephews, in-laws...I am blessed to have them

*for our first family vacation only 35 days away!!!

*for technology that allows me to keep in touch with people I would otherwise never talk to

*for my husband's stable job!!!

*for soldiers who willingly sacrifice everything for my freedom---God bless you and your families!

*for people who read my blog and encourage me with lovely comments! : ) (Sorry, couldn't help myself!)

God Bless everyone reading this...may 2010 be YOUR best year!

Warning: Bathroom Story

I felt this was quite appropriate as we are waiting for the potty training to "click".....

Warning: Bathroom Story
A 3~year~old tells all from his mother's restroom stall
By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive~thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just~turned 3~year~old, and you never have to ask him to turn up the volume; it's always fully cranked.

There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not~so~audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to last stall:

"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?"

At this point, I started mentally counting how many women had been in the restroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full. 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies, aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh, Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh, I see dem! Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You ARE gonna get some candy!"

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming newborn when you need one? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some.

"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!! As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject.

I began to reason with myself: Okay, there are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone. "Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done doing stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

"Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at da wady's feet?" More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation. "Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!"

I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found, standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, "Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?"

But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, "I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as 'Mommy' to this little fellow."

Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses public rest-rooms with her 3~year~old in tow.

The SUN and The SON

Well, well. Here we are. Christmas has once again come and gone, and many are left in the aftermath of parties and wrapping paper and cookies and gifts gone awry. Like the sunshine in Michigan in winter: you spend a loooong time preparing and expecting, and in a moment, it's over! : )

In Michigan, you have to believe that the sun is still there even when you can't see it, because otherwise you might just go crazy. Logically, rationally, we know the sun exists whether we see it every day or not. We cannot touch the sun, but we can certainly feel its effects on us, and we surely can feel the effects when we do NOT see it.

Lately there have been many seemingly purpose-less events going on in so many of my loved one's lives. My husband and son (and myself) getting a horrible stomach flu right before Christmas. Getting sick and missing my niece's wedding. A young mom dying suddenly, unexpectedly, in her own bed, leaving behind a husband and 5 young children. A man in his 30's dying suddenly in a car crash, leaving behind a wife and children. Horrible floods, one after another, in the Phillipines, wreaking havoc, devastation upon devastation to people who already have nothing. Economic collapse forcing people from their jobs and threatening their homes. My sister's beloved puppy getting horribly ill and dying the day after Christmas. Divorce. Miscarriage. Sickness. Crime. Death. It's as if this world is spinning out of control, and many who Believe are asking why.

The answer to that question is simple: we just don't know. But thank and praise God, we know the One who does! Listen, I understand loss. I understand pain and circumstance that makes your gut hurt from crying out to God begging for an answer. I understand fear and panic. I know what it's like to wonder what could possibly happen next that will cause pain to you or someone you love.

What I must remember, is that the SON still shines. When we cannot see Him, we MUST believe, and know He is there. Just as we take by faith that the sunshine is behind the clouds, we must also believe that the Son is behind the darkness. We live on a crippled and dying planet, and it seems as if evil and darkness is spreading at a maddening rate. More and more and faster and faster. If you ask me, the devil has gotten Word that his time is short, and he is trying to take as many down with him as he can.

Job is a man familiar with suffering....but he knew that no matter what, God was in control.

14 "Listen to this, Job;

stop and consider God's wonders.
15 Do you know how God controls the clouds

and makes his lightning flash?
16 Do you know how the clouds hang poised,

those wonders of him who is perfect in knowledge?

One thing I try to remember as well is that I see only my piece of the whole puzzle. My piece contains my life, my family, my friends, my world. I don't even see the next pieces, but God sees the entire puzzle, all put together as it should be. One piece absolutely effects the rest.

This was found written on a concentration camp wall: "I believe in the sun even when it is not shining; I believe in love even when I feel it not; I believe in God, even when He is silent."

I don't know how a tiny puppy suffering and dying can glorify God. I don't know how allowing a mother to leave her husband and 5 children behind is part of God's plan. But you know what? It's not for me to know. And that's okay. Why? Because,

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

I firmly believe that God is in control, and that even when I don't know why, His ways are better than anything I can come up with. And when all is said and done, WE WILL GO OUT IN JOY AND BE LED FORTH BY PEACE!!! Please be encouraged today, that no matter where you are, no matter what has happened, God LOVES you, and He WILL provide for you and take care of you. I really felt like someone needed to hear that today. God bless you all!!!

Alive and Kickin'

Well we all made it! We actually had a very nice Christmas, and other than being pretty tired in the morning, I felt pretty good all day! YAY!! I'm SO amazed that even THIS body healed so quickly...with all the issues I have with my immune system, it still simply amazed me how quickly my body recovered from such horrific illness. God made us fearfully and wonderfully, indeed! Oh, I was so sick. Ug. Never been that sick since I've had MG. Had to go down the stairs on my butt. Ree-DIC-ulous! I'm just super thankful I didn't end up in the hospital.

SO....my three favorite gifts this year: 1. The same as every year, the gift of salvation. That Jesus would leave perfection to be born in an animal feedbox, lying in straw, among the donkeys and chickens...for ME! Unfathomable.

2. Jacob got me a locket that says #1 Mom, and there are two tiny pictures of him on the inside.

3. Doug gave me my birthday present early. You KNOW he was excited about it because he NEVER lets me open ANYTHING early, NOT EVER by HIS suggestion! So he brings out this ginormous tube. I'm like, huh? He opens it, and pulls out some rolled paper about 14 inches tall. I'm thinking, "He got me wallpaper for my birthday? He couldn't wait for me to see WALLPAPER?"

So he starts unrolling it, and it's my name...Kerri Sue...in huge purple letters. (For those of you who don't know me, purple is MY color. LOVE LOVE LOVE it!) I was still like, "You got me my NAME in wallpaper??" (No, I didn't say this outloud, of course!)

Finally he's like, "It's for the boat!" So....I get a boat named after me! How cool is that? Our fishing vessel will officially become The Kerri Sue when we get to Florida. It has to be about 60 degrees to put the letters on. I thought that was one of the sweetest things ever!

Oh, AND Doug got me all kinds of fancy syrups and flavored coffees from some gourmet place in Texas. Yum yum!!!! He's so thoughtful!

Tomorrow we go to Doug's folks for Christmas now that we are all better...Jacob will be staying overnight since we will be headed to Ann Arbor Monday morning.

I hope and pray you all had a blessed Christmas!

I'd like to end with a poem a dear friend sent to me via e-mail:

If You Look For Me At Christmas
you won't need a special star--
I'm no longer JUST in Bethlehem,
I'm right there where YOU are.

You may not be aware of Me
amid the celebrations,
You'll have to look beyond the stores
and all the decorations.

But if you take a moment
from your list of things to do
And listen to your heart, you'll find
I'm waiting there for you.

YOU'RE the one I want to be with,
YOU'RE the reason that I came,
And you'll find Me in the stillness
as I'm whispering YOUR name.

Love,
Jesus

Merry Christmas!

Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." Luke 2 11:14

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Well, I’m alive, but barely.

Doug got the flu last Friday. Jacob ensued about 7:30 on Sunday evening, and I was up most of the night with him, after being exhausted from taking care of Doug and Jacob while Doug was sick.

Oh, but my darling husband is having to reimburse that account 100-fold. My horror started Tuesday morning. Didn’t feel so good. Didn’t want anything to eat. By noon, I knew “it” was coming. My indescribable experience started about 1:00 on Thursday, and I called Doug at work so he could come home. I don’t remember anything but agony for the next, oh, 18 hours. At one point, I vaguely remember propping myself up on my walker, while on the throne, holding a bowl…it was pretty horrifying.

At one point, Doug said I was in there for about 2 hours. I must have been in and out of consciousness….or at least reality!!

Anywho…that’s one way to lose 6.5 pounds in 2 days!

We were supposed to go to Doug’s parents today for Christmas…not happening. I had to sit down on the steps on the way down this afternoon. I’m trying to get up a little more, because I’ll never get stronger if I don’t start moving around a bit and trying to eat.
SO….please pray for recovery at this point…more later.

More sickies

Well, we know it's not something Doug ate.

Jacob started throwing up at about 7:30 PM and kept it up til about 3 AM. He seems to be just fine now, for which I am very thankful....he's acting pretty much like himself, and says he's glad his tummy doesn't hurt anymore. : ) Me, too, bud. At nearly 3 1/2, this was his FIRST stomach flu. He's never really thrown up before (other than spitting up as a baby), so he was terrified. Mommy wasn't so good either.

Every time something like this happens, where you see your child hurting in some way, I am brought to a newer, better understanding of God's love for us, His children. Seeing Jacob like that absolutely broke. my. heart. And my love for him isn't pure and perfect like our heavenly Father's love for us...really makes you stop and think....

So, I am asking that if you read this, and if you pray, PLEASE send up a prayer on my behalf. Because of the myasthenia, ANY illness can be very serious, and lead to complications...I'm already a bit weakened from being up all night with Jacob...I certainly don't want to end up in the hospital for Christmas.

Doug is feeling mostly back to himself...ate his first real meal last night...I'm just super exhausted from taking care of both Doug and Jacob...

So thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers...I believe God hears them and will answer them...

God Bless You!!

Illness Strikes

Blah. We would so appreciate your prayers! Doug is sick...up during the night, and today is achy and has a slight temperature. I don't think it's the BAD flu, because his temp is just 100....I would think it would be higher if it was serious flu. I'm still hoping it's something he ate! I'm hosing everything down with antibacterial stuff....and PRAYING that neither Jacob or I get it. I was super exhausted yesterday, bad eyes...I was looking forward to having Doug's help today. Oh the joy of complication.

I was supposed to start book reviewing on Friday (I admit I stole the button from someone else's site, but they said I could....) but anywho. I will try next Friday, if the world has ended yet. I know, I know.....stop the llama drama! : )

Up Down Up Down Up Down

Good grief.

Wednesday night was SO fun...and yesterday was awful. I was on the verge of tears all day. I had to go to my hubby's work Christmas party, and asked him to come and pick us up (which is what he usually does). It's very difficult and exhausting to take Jacob anywhere on my own. Besides the fact that I can't tighten the straps on his carseat as tight as they should be. I just don't have the grip or arm strength. It gets pretty snug, but not as tight as it probably should be.

So he is super-stressed at work. They are nearing the end of a 10+ million dollar expansion, and doing start-ups this week. It's just a pain in the butt. (Not to mention that something started on fire as he was leaving).

At supper last night I said to him, "So work is really stressing you out, huh?" And he's like, "It's not so much work as it is stuff like today...having to come and get you and Jacob. I should have just asked you to take the car." OUCH. (I ended up taking Jacob home by myself because when he came home to get us, he took the truck). I just lost it. He was like, "What's up?"

I told him I haven't been telling him how I feel because I know he's stressed and I didn't want to add to the mix...but that I feel like I'm sick when it's convenient for him...like when he doesn't want me to go anywhere, or do anything. But when it INconveniences him (messy house, having to pick me up, etc.) then I'm fine to do whatever. I FINALLY got it out. I've been feeling that way for MONTHS.

PLUS, even though I felt lik sh!#, I tried really hard to look nice, wore a new necklace and earrings, a pretty black and purple shirt (no, not my new one, Joanna!). I put on some black shoes. They looked really cute. However, I KNEW I wouldn't be able to walk well enough because of my balance, so I got my cane. THAT'S when Doug called to say I would have to drive home. So...I changed my shoes so I could walk better. Stupid clunky sh!#-kicking shoes. Nice.

Did Doug tell me I looked good? Nope. Did he even notice? Nope.

I know part of that is just a man thing, but I feel like I'm so alone in this house with this disease, and I told him as much. (For any of you who know or see my husband and read this blog, please don't say anything to him...) He's (and to some extent I have) fallen into the trap of "Oh, we're married now, I don't need to be as nice and sweet as I did when we were dating or first married. And when I have a couple of good days, it's like he forgets my limitations.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my husband for anyone in the world. This man slept on the couch for SIX MONTHS while I was in a hospital bed in our living room when I first got out of the hospital. He had to suction my trach several times a night. He still worked full time, took care of me full time (someone came to stay with me during the day while he was at work). He is a hard worker and wonderful provider. He is super smart and ingenious and clever. I know he loves me and I trust him with my very life. He is faithful and a Christian...He is my earthly ROCK. (But as you know, rocks aren't very sensitive!) Sorry, couldn't resist.

It felt good to get it all out, and we'll just see what happens from now on. Probably the same thingf that always happens. Things change for 10 minutes until something else comes along. {Sigh}

It's been a crappy couple of weeks with the trach. I'm going to have to make an appointment to see the ENT in January...I may just need a new trach. The one I have is a year old. Maybe that's the problem. I keep tripping over the stupid dogs, and wrenching my hips. It just gets old being able to name what's RIGHT about you more quickly than what's wrong.

Oh, and to top it all off I took the Dr. Oz "Real Age" test. I'm 52. Nice. Well, sometimes I feel like 90, so I guess that's not TOO bad!!

Girls Night Out

Last night Joanna and I had our Bible study Christmas party. Well, that's our story and we're sticking to it! : ) We went out for dinner to Applebee's and then shopping at Fashion Bug and WallyWorld. Yah. I know...hugely exciting. We had fun though. Til I called my husband and got chastised for shopping.

It just felt so good to be out with a girlfriend, hanging out, feeling almost normal after all of the BS we have BOTH been through. I got an awesome purse (with purple silky lining), an AMAZING sparkly black and purple shirt with purple pants, and a pair of black pants with this lacey kind of leopard print thingy (tasteful animal print)...and Joanna and I got matching necklace and earring sets because 1. they were on sale and 2. due to our love of all things purple, and 3. we're best girlfriends and love the same things! Lovely!

At Wally world I got a bunch of kitchen stuff for Doug for Christmas yet. And of course mac mac cheese for Jacob. : )

I will let Joanna tell you about the dog screaming neighbor at Applebees!!!

Random Blather

I just noticed that I'm at like 235 posts. I must have missed 200. I'll have to do some big ta-da for my 250th or something. Maybe I'll do a give-away! All 6 of you who read my blog would have a really good shot at winning!! : ) Methinks I shall have to put a plan in motion...stay tuned.

Good news: my eyes seem to be behaving. I'm running around like a crazy woman today though, so we'll have to see how long they hold up. Had to stuff the Christmas cards with our picture (yes, the WRONG ONE), find a few addresses, do Jacob's laundry, plate up 5 cookie trays for Doug's work peeps (that totalled ten dozen cookies right there!), fold three loads of laundry, keep Jacob from killing the dogs, keep Moose from killing my Christmas tree, keep myself from killing Moose, wash my hair, have to get ready yet...going out with my best "g" Joanna tonight...dinner and shopping. Woot! Woot! We need a little happy time. (Even though it's just Applebee's and Wal-Mart!) He he he. I think I had too much coffee or something. I'm a bit spastic.

Doug's a bit irritated because I bid on some auction items and WON them...and he has to go to Kalamazoo to pick them up. Nevermind two of them are for him!....the lawnchair with a toilet seat is mine...I will NOT go on the ground, or, God forbid, an outhouse. So, if we go camping, (No comment from the peanut gallery!) I will have a throne. Of sorts. I guess I'll just have to put it at the top of a hill. (They have awesome auctions on Biddergy.com...today there are some Coach purses. I haven't dared look at what they're going for. )

Anyway....just jotting off a note before I continue my mad dash to have Jacob ready at 3:30 and me ready by 4:15. Oh, and yesterday was Ann Arbor, can you believe it? Treatment went GREAT...one poke in each arm, NO problems, no veins collapsing, NO pain...and I ran reaaallly fast. SWEET!!

Ya'll have a good one!

What a weekend.

Busy busy busy. Exhaustion. Pain. Stress. Ug. Trach....ug. Can't even describe. Eyes are a BIT better---Halleljuah for that!

Saturday we went to Costco. Again, this is a love/hate relationship for me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Costco. The problem is, I love it toooo much. Ergo the hate part. My checkbook hates it. Thank God you can't use credit cards there, or I'd be in the poorhouse all from Costco purchases. They have EVERYTHING! I swear they pump the air full of some kind of pheromone that makes you NEED to buy things....

I ALWAYS use the Costco photo department. Well, Saturday there was a new guy there. I had a coupon for 50 free prints...perfect! That's about what I needed for my Christmas pictures to send out with cards. Awesome! Well, AFTER we got home, I realized that he didn't take the coupon off. I gave it to him, and I saw him writing on it, but he didn't use it!! Now I have to call them. UG. I had several other pictures to get (surprise, surprise, I know!) so I didn't really pay attention. Mistake number one. Mistake number two: I selected 50 of the WRONG pose from our Christmas pics. It's an okay picture, but it's not as nice as the one I wanted, and I am IRRITATED. That's what happens when you're too freakin' tired to know your own name.

Then my sister and her family came over for supper, and I made (from scratch thank you very much) chicken and dumplings, which, if I do say so myself, were amazing. I made two 9 x 13 pans, and it was ALL scarfed up. DANG!

So after that day, I was freakin' pooped. I fell asleep watching TV. That NEVER happens. It was so nice to just hang out with my sister though....she got me THE coolest earrings...she works at a retail clothing store, and gets a decent discount, plus they were on sale...anywho...they're long and delicate and have purple beads. Purple, is, of course, THE best color on the planet.

Sunday, after that marathon Saturday, I actually made it to church! WHo--hoooo!!! That's like twice in 4 weeks! Ended up bawling my eyes out to a very kind elder over a friend of mine who is hurting very badly, and having all kinds of problems...being attacked by the stupid devil like there's no end in sight. Asking for prayer for them...the guy grabs like 4 different people who are heads of this ministry and that ministry, the prayer leader, etc., and this friend has been there TWICE...and I've only been there like 5 times. This church (The River in Allegan) is AMAZING. This is the one that has the pastor that I've known since I was 8...he is a counselor there now. And the church consists of probably 100-150 people. It's not like it's some huge mega-church.

They were swearing in elders yesterday...it was just a cool place to be. I must have talked to these folks for an hour...Keith, Shelly, Ann, Gwen, and Kathy...THANK YOU. They all committed to praying for my friend and her family. It was just so neat to see all these people IMMEDIATELY want to help and step in. What a living, breathing picture of Christ in action.

And to my friend, who knows who she is: God is bigger than all this. He WILL see that all this works for your GOOD. I do not know how. But I know that I know, that I know that I KNOW He loves you and is GOING to help you through this. I love you so much, and I would do anything to help you....but I am so helpless. I can and will continue to lift you to our MIGHTY GOD, Who parted the Red Sea, who rose Christ from the dead....He IS ABLE to do immeasurable more than ALL we ask or imagine...I am claiming victory for you through the blood of Jesus!
If you need ANYTHING, call me day or night. I love you!!

Chronic Living

For my type of Myasthenia Gravis (MuSK+), there really isn't remission. Many people with AChR+ MG can have a thymectomy, and boom, remission. Not all, certainly, but a lot. Others go into medically induced remission; they are on medication for a certain period of time, and then can back off of it and still be okay.

I HATE the word chronic. Listen (well, read!) this: Chronic: persistent, constant, continual, incessant, unabating, lingering, lasting, enduring, perpetual, eternal, permanent, ceaseless, endless.

This is where choice comes in. This is the world's definition. Although it can be true, it doesn't mean it's absolute truth. Asolute truth is that because Jesus paid the price for my sin, I will live eternally (chronically, if you will!) in heaven. And in heaven, there is no pain. No more tears. No trach. No arthritis. No diabetes. No scarred vocal cords. None of it. It will all fall away. Oh, glory, I cannot WAIT!!!

In the meantime, I struggle! I will be the first to admit it. Just yesterday, I was flippin' out because, barring God's complete healing here on earth, I have to deal with this BS disease every.single.minute.of.every.single.day. And I get angry. I get really, really ticked off. I can shake my fists and stomp my feet and hold my breath and have a good old fashioned tantrum, but it does no good. I'll still be sick. Sure, maybe I feel better for a while, and I'm not taking away from a good ol cry, because that can be very cathartic.

I'm having trouble with my trach. It's not staying in all the way, but it's not like, popping out either. It just slightly moves forward, and rubs on my natural, God-given trachea, while at the same time narrowing my airway. That doesn't feel so good. Then the outside gets all raw and irritated as well. I'm not sure how to fix it, and I don't really want to go to the doctor right now, because he'll probably just say, "It will toughen up." That's his answer for everything. Or he'll tell me I have to take it in and out more often, which at this moment in time would be excruciating. It's really hard to cause yourself pain on purpose. Seriously!

I'm having trouble with my eyes. These two syptoms, the trach and the eyes, are the two WORST. So exhausting. So draining. The pain, the double vision, headaches. Okay now it just sounds like I'm whining...I'm REALLY trying not to... My point is that if I concentrated on this every day, I would be a nutjob. (As my sister would say, bat sh!# crazy!) I have a life to live. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a friend.

I can't be all of these things at once, and while it makes me insane, there's nothing I can do about it. Because when I try, I either end up like I am now, with double vision and completely exhausted, or worse yet, in the hospital. I just wish I could get across how difficult it is to accept limitation. Even after 10 years. Even after being almost dead more than once. Even after being in a wheelchair for a while.

Most of you didn't know me "before." Some did...but yesterday as I'm having my little melt-down, I just stopped and said, "I can't believe this is my life!" While I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING, I still struggle. I'm human. I remember the days of freedom and independence, of productivity and doing for others. Now, that's all pretty much gone.

So....I'm going to re-read all the definitions of chronic, and apply them to love. God's love for us all is ALL of those words. And I'm going to try to have my love for others to be the same. A challenge, for sure, but it's better than applying all those "permanent" terms to my health!

If you are struggling with chronic illness, if you have found a way to accept or cope, please leave a comment or e-mail me. We need to stick together! Even if you're NOT dealing with a chronic illness... Is there something YOU'VE had to accept that has been really, really tough?

Thanks for reading! God Bless!!

Christmas Cookie Swap

Kara is having a Christmas cookie swap!! It starts at 4:00 PM (PST...so 7:00PM EST) today.

You can click the button on my sidebar to get there.

Here is the EASIEST Christmas cut out cookie recipe ever. My husband has been making these for years before we got married, and we make them every year.

INGREDIENTS:

1 cup butter or margarine, softened (I actually use 1 stick of each)

1 cup sugar

1 large egg

1 tsp vanilla

2 tsp baking powder

3 cups flour

Preheat oven to 400. In a large bowl, combine butter and sugar with an electric mixer. Beat in egg and vanilla. Add baking powder and flour one cup at a time, mixing after each addition. The dough will be very stiff; does NOT need to chill.

Roll out on floured board for cutouts. Bake for 6-7 minutes.

I use canned frosting to frost them, or just sprinkle colored sugar on them BEFORE you bake them. They're super easy and super yummy!

Support out Troops

I just got this link off of another blog from a SITStah-....

www.anysoldier.com

You can get an address of a contact person for a unit, or an individual, to send care packages, letters, whatever. Stuff like drink powders (koolaid, crystal light), energy drinks, phone cards. Each one listed (there's like 2000) has info about them, where they are from, etc. You give them YOUR info, and then they send you the address. It's an awesome way to show your support for our guys and gals overseas, serving our country. I don't know if a package would get there in time for Christmas, but I don't think they would mind if it was a bit late.

Even if you just write letters, letting them know you are supporting them (even if you don't support WAR, you can support our armed servicemen and women), and praying for them.

Thanks!

The True Meaning of Christmas to Me...Hope

Hope.

So much power in such small word. I have always been an eternal optimist. Always seen the glass as half full, filled with the best thing you could ever want, and expecting it to be completely full soon. After being afflicted with a chronic, debilitating illness, that glass shattered. Some friends and I were talking about this glass-half-full business a while back, and the eternal pessimist said, "Glass? What glass?" Well, that's about where I was.

But thank GOD He didn't leave me there. I can't STAND the thought of no hope. It's not that I see the world through rose-colored glasses, because trust me, I do not. But ponder this:

"Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be."
-Don Quixote

I may not be healthy right now, but I hope that someday I will be here on earth. I KNOW I will be in heaven. It's choosing to believe the good. Yes, you may be disappointed. But living life, just accepting where you are, to "see life as it is instead of as it should be..." That is so powerful! Think about how different things would be if everyone TRULY started living as they SHOULD. Every moment of every day. Impossible? I don't think so.

Jesus was born so that we can have that hope. Christmas to me, is so NOT commercial. We don't talk about Santa Claus, (I know, how controversial!), we celebration Jesus' birthday. If He never came, there would be no HOPE. And I'm not sure I could live my life like that. I should never have been able to have this precious child, Jacob...but Hope prevailed, and God blessed me so much!

"Hope is like a road in the country; there never was a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence." -Lin Yutang

I know life can hurt. I know life can be unfair...believe me, I know. But I also know that HOPE is more powerful than unfairness. It is bigger than fear. It is stronger than despair.
It is the infertile woman knowing she will someday be a mother. It is the sick among us knowing that someday they will be well. It is the "poor" among us who know they are really, immeasurably blessed.

Hope lives. You can take a lot from a person, but as long as they have hope, they will go on.
This Christmas, try living life as it should be, not as is it. See where it takes you.
Always remember the Reason for the Season.
Merry Christmas,
and Merry SITS-mas sisters!

Humble Bunny

I've had this bunny for almost 20 years. I named him Humble Bunny.

I had been student teaching in rural Indiana in the fall of 1993. These were country kids, to the core. I was still (mostly) a city girl, with an appreciation for the finer things in life.

On my last day, many of the kids gave me presents. It was SO precious to see these children giving from the heart! One boy got in line and gave me a matchbox car, because he had one in his desk and desperately wanted to give me something.

Another boy, Andrew, was from a well-off family. Always clean cut, well dressed, combed hair, etc. Andrew was a straight A student, always attentive and well behaved. He was the exception rather than the rule. He was in line right ahead of Bobby, who lived with his grandma. His hair was sometimes messy, his clothes at times unkepmt. Bobby would struggle to grab some concepts, and his attention would occasionally drift. But as you will soon see, he had a heart of gold.

Andrew gave me a gift, fancily wrapped with beautiful ribbon. I commented on how lovely it was. I opened the box, and here is this hand made, bright white thing with hand sewn peach ribbons and flowers. I didn't know what it was. You grab the strings and hold it up and it makes these little pouches. A sock holder maybe? I still have it, and I still don't know what it is! I went on and on about this gloriously clean, glowing, crisp white linen and flowery peach gift. Andrew was pleased.

Then Bobby hands me his gift. I'm about to bawl just remembering this moment. Bobby, a little dirt on his face, a few wrinkles in his clothes, and his hair smoothed down as much as possible, handed me this little, filthy, purple bunny. My mind was racing. This child had just given me something of obvious import to him, and it was filthy. I mean nasty filthy. I had just practically swooned over Andrew's gift, and now this.

I looked Bobby straight in the eye and said, "Oh, Bobby! How did you know? Purple is my favorite color!" (Which is totally true!) I gave him a hug, and he beamed from ear to ear. I had tears in my eyes as I went down the line, thinking about the sacrifice that this little boy had made, because he wanted to give me a gift.

As Christmas approaches, I can't help but think of another who made the ultimate sacrifice to give me a gift as well. Jesus left heaven above, a perfect, clean, glowing place, and came down to this mud ball called earth. To the dirt and decay and horror of human-ness. He died a brutal death so that you and I could live in that perfect glowing place called heaven.

To Andrew, it was no big deal to give me that gift, since his mother made it, wrapped it, and handed it off to him. It's in a drawer somewhere. But that bunny. My humble bunny...I keep it displayed wherever I live. It reminds me every single day of how to live my life.

In Memory of Linda, on her birthday

Today would have been my best friend Linda's 42nd birthday. Instead of celebrating here on earth, however, she is rejoicing in heaven, and probably having one heck of a party! Linda was diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic endometrial cancer on November 1, 2007. She had her first chemo treatment on her 40th birthday.

You can read her story here.

Linda died on October 2, 2008, 11 months and 1 day after her diagnosis. She was in hospice for only a few days. She WORKED up until about 3 months before she died. Linda was almost as bullheaded as me! Well, maybe even MORE so...I just ache with how much I miss her.

Linda was the kind of friend you get the privilege of knowing once in a lifetime. She was the kindest, most compassionate, most loyal, faithful friend anyone could ask for. She was beautiful inside and out. I always told her that God gave me her as kind of a big sister (although she ALWAYS told people she was younger than me, that stinker!)...My older sister, almost exactly Linda's age, was killed in a car accident when I was 16. She was 18. I didn't meet Linda until my early 20's, but we became fast friends. Linda didn't make friends very quickly, but when she did, you were a friend for life. Who knew that "life" would be such a short time?

While Linda could never replace my sister, God filled that void with Linda. And then when Linda passed, He gave me another wonderful friend in Joanna. Again, never replacing, just God's provision. (Love ya girl).

Before Linda died, while we were both trying to be very optimistic, we knew. And so we didn't waste time. I told her everything she meant to me. She did the same. In the 12 years that we were best friends, we had one stupid fight. One. We walked down memory lane, a lot. PLEASE do that with your friends and family NOW. Don't wait until one of you is on death's door to remember the good times.

If I could say anything to Linda, it would be how much I miss her. It's like learning to walk again with a prosthesis instead of your real leg. Or like losing part of you, and not quite knowing how to fix it...until you realize there is no fix. I will forever be changed by her death, but more importantly by her life. There is a part of my heart that will never be mended completely.

I still think, "O my GOSH I HAVE to call Linda!" when I see something scandalous on a show we both watched. I can't watch Rachael Ray because it's simply too painful. Linda got me hooked, and if I watch, I almost get angry that something so important to her can just go on like nothing ever happened. I don't know if that makes any sense at all.

I don't think a day goes by that I don't think of her. I still hurt. I still get angry. I still wonder why her. I want her back, but I know that she is so much better off. She is whole and happy and perfect, and will never feel pain again.

I love you Linda...I miss you so, so much. I know I will see you again someday, but in the meantime, it still just hurts. I can't wait til we can get all caught up again!!
Happy Birthday my sweet, sweet friend.

Spit.

No happy post from me today folks. Sometimes life is just crappy and unfair. Missing my niece's wedding. I feel like garbage, Doug is sick too now, and to add to the loveliness I dropped an 8 pounds can of peanut butter on my foot this morning.

I haven't even met my new nephew (Jessie's husband Daniel), and Jacob was supposed to be the ring bearer. Pi$$ed doesn't even begin to cover it.

Reality Bites

So this is what I get for trying to live a normal life. I feel like poo. Roadkill. Just plain yucky. Headache, a little bit of a sore throat, slight fever, chest congestion, cough. I've felt WORSE.... But I've also felt better, for sure.

Tomorrow is my niece's wedding, and Jacob is the ring bearer...so we could REALLY use some prayers!! For me that this is just a TINY big or NOTHING but over-doing it, and that I"ll be fine for the wedding romorrow, and for JACOB, that he will be a big boy and walk down the aisle WEARING his little tuxedo. We are missing the rehearsal tonight, so......PRAY! : )

Thanks.....

Pictures

Well, I have been requested to post some pics of my hubby's handiwork...Although I WILL take credit for all the straight, beautifully organized shelves... : ) He did all the hard stuff, as far as building, and I put everything where it was supposed to go...This big ol shelf Doug made a few years ago. It's in the kitchen, and used to hold all of our homemade canned goods.




This shelf has all my baking supplies and cook books, hot cocoa (Doug),coffee and tea.
Now on to the pantry....I can't explain how, but my husband used the legs from only 2 shelves, but the shelves from all 3 shelving units. The pantry was like 3 inches short, so he pulls a Frankenstein on the shelves, and viola...we exchanged a cube freezer for a chest freezer, and he still got everything to fit.


We took Every. Bloomin'. Thing. out of that pantry, and cleaned everything and put it all back in...but now it's SO purdy! I'm in OCD heaven. I can walk in and see everything we have...




OH, and before anyone calls the hoarding show....let's just say we're PREPARED. (for nuclear holocaust!) : ) But serioulsy...we do stock up when things are on sale, but the biggest problem before was not being able to find anything, so we bought whatever we thought we needed. Then, of course, while redoing all of this, we found the original (s). How else do you end up with 3 jars of honey and 3 boxes of corn starch??



The final project was the entertainment center. This used to have a huge hole in the middle for a 32" TV with the huge back end. (As opposed to the svelte LCD TV's now...)



You would never know that now! The new TV sits on top, and the stereo and new DVD player sit where the old TV used to be. Amazing. Told you I married McGuyver!!



Pretty slick! But I'm glad it's all DONE!!! Lots of work. I haven't completely recovered yet! But when I walk into my lovely kitchen, or perfect pantry...It's allll been worth it!!