When will I stop letting people make me feel "less than?"
When did I become this person who can't think quickly, or remember more than 2 things, or make mistakes I never would have made, or....
Today we were going to start our first day of "real" school with "real" curriculum. I was going to write my own, but obviously that didn't happen. Last night I probably got a total of 3 1/2 hours of sleep like 15 minutes at a time. If you ever want to feel like you've got a hangover without having a drop the night before, I highly recommend this process.
Jacob's favorite phrase right now (especially, it seems, at 3 AM) is "Mommy I want you!" Now granted, the first 2, maybe even 3 times you hear this, it's heart-warming. Your precious child is confirming his love and desire to have you near him. Who doesn't want that?
I'll tell you who. ME!!! By 4 AM, when you've heard this phrase 672 times, along with the perfectly pitched whine that doesn't quite break glass, it's not quite as endearing as it once was. I spent all day in a p!ss!ing contest with Doug yesterday. (Sorry for the vernacular, but that's exactly what it was.)
He was grouchy, and I was in a "I'll show you I don't need you to do anything and I can do it all myself" mood. So not only did I write Jacob's goals for the entire school year, but I also wrote our daily schedule for school (like what days we do what subjects), MY daily schedule (which this morning looks hysterical...I don't know what the h#ll I was thinking....this is like a 25-year-old-soccer-mom-Carol-Brady schedule. What a joke!) and the individual daily schedule for the first week (individual concepts for each subject on each day).
When will I stop comparing to other moms?
I separated and folded laundry, got roast ready and put in the oven, played with Jacob, got his meals, yadda, yadda, yadda. I just keep pushing and pushing.
I hate that I can't perform like I used to. I used to be the quickest one, not the slowest. I used to be able to be typing a pickup into the computer, be on the phone with a driver, answer another driver on the radio and still listen and understand the conversation going on at the window!
Now I can't chew gum and tie my shoes at the same time. And it makes me angry. Which is stupid, because I've dealt with this b.s. disease for over 10 years now....which makes me even angrier that I can't get it under control....
When???
