More Random Letters

Dear Lady Cashier at Rite Aid,

When I present you with a coupon for an item I am purchasing, please just take care of it.  The coupon was for a FREE product.  You do not need to ask WHY I get it free.  I have a coupon, and it says FREE.  What part do we not understand??

Sincerely,
A Bit Taken Aback at Your Rudeness


Dear Comcast Cable Website,

If you aren't able to do what your website says you can do, don't put it on your website!
I mean, really.  If YOU send ME a letter asking me if I want to finish my transaction, and I go to your website, I expect to be able to finish my transaction.  I do NOT expect you to take the offer off the table and change all the prices.  Something that should have been very simple took many hours, many phone calls, and much irritation on my part.

Sincerely,
Very Glad I'M Not Your Customer


Dear Husband,

Please stop telling our child to do ridiculous things like stick carrots up his nose to soften them.  He actually listens to you, believe it or not.  Oh, and while we're at it, PLEASE stop undoing the hours and hours I spend disciplining our child by laughing at his inappropriate comments, and giving into him when he begs and whines after I'VE said "no" 17 times.

Thanks honey.  Love ya.


Dear Self,

You REALLY need to stop saying "dammit."  It doesn't sound nearly as charming coming out of your 5 year old's mouth.

Sincerely,
Oops

Very Random Letters

Dear Lord,

I've missed like 4 days of blogging or something because I'm so crazy-busy....but I want to be thankful for 5 things every day so I'm going to catch up a minute.  I know You know I'm thankful everyday, but there is a lot to BE thankful for!  SO:  I am thankful for 1.fuzzy puppies  2.sleepy, cuddly, 5-year old sons 3.my parents 4.my husband who helps me make feathered hair clips, 5. other MG-er's on the internet who know way more than any of my doctors (see following letters) 6. my brother and sisters 7. my sistah from another mistah 8. peanut butter m&m's 9. pizza 10. the color purple 11. Tim from verizon who was actually helpful and even saved me ten bucks a month 12. electricity 13. my phone 14. jewelry orders 15. hand sanitizer 16. bleach 17. anti-bacterial wipes 18. Jacob's fishies 19. my paper shredder (yes, really) 20. MY READERS!!!!

Sincerely,
Your Thankful Daughter

Dear FDA,

I don't know how, but I'm about to take you on.  People like me need double lumen implanted ports for plasmapheresis.  But YOU don't approve it for plasmapheresis. Well, I don't know how to change that, but I'm going to find out, and then YOU will find out I'm like a hungry done with a bone who will. not. let. go. or. give. up.  You arbitrarily say "yes" to this and "no" to that without having a clue whose lives you are effecting.  And don't think for one minute that I believe everything gets tested to the "N"th degree and THEN decided... I think it has more to do with whose pockets are deepest.  {I should add to my above list I'm thankful for the 1st Amendment so my butt doesn't end up in jail for criticizing the government}.  I will hound you and cause you grief.  Be alert.  I am here and I am not leaving.

Sincerely,
Completely Irritated at Government Control Over MY Health

Dear Medical Professionals Everywhere:

YOU are the doctors.  I am the patient.  I should not be telling YOU what procedure I need, or what product, or what medication.  That's why YOU went to school for 8 years and have huge student loan debt and ridiculous malpractice insurance rates and make a sh!t ton of money.  I, on the other hand, did NOT go to medical school, and don't really feel it is my place to tell YOU how to treat ME medically.

Sincerely,
Might As Well Call Me Doc

Dear PA From Interventional Radiology,

Thank you for being helpful yesterday.  It was an almost useless visit, since someone could have told me on the phone that I couldn't get done what someone had scheduled me to get done 2 months ago.  Good thing I was sick and didn't make the appointment, because Lord knows what you would have done.  As I was telling you what I needed, and how it's done, and where it's done and who has it done already, I was thinking in my head pretty much everything in the above letter.  I go to YOU for information, not the other way around.

Sincerely,
Irritated That I Know More Than You Do About Your Specialty And Can't Get Paid For It

Dear Medical Community In General,

I simply have two things to say to you.  First, COMMUNICATE with OTHER PEOPLE in the medical community, especially when you are ALL INVOLVED in the care of ONE patient.  Second,  please don't go to work if you DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING.

Sincerely,
Someone Who Would Be Really Thankful If You Did The Above

Random Letters: Medical

Just to preface this, these are all based on my day yesterday.  Truth.

Dear Fellow MG'ers and U of M Staff of the Apheresis Clinic:

Thank you for your advice and trying to help me.  I am so thankful for this computer and facebook so I can ask a question that my doctors should know but don't, and YOU ALL do.  Thank you, thank you!

Sincerely,
SickOfMG


Dear MG,

You suck the life out of every cell I have.  You take my energy and happiness and stamina and sanity.  I hate you.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Neurologists Everywhere:

If you are going to specialize in disorders of the muscles and nerves, please know what the h#ll you are talking about.  When I make an appointment to talk to you about my options of getting plasmapheresis (other than continuing the torture of using my veins with gigantic needles), I didn't expect you to say you had no idea.  Um, isn't that YOUR area of expertise?  I mean, I don't expect you to know how to RUN plasmapheresis, (although it wouldn't hurt), but shouldn't you have a basic understanding of the medical devices YOU have to order for me? Just a thought.  You've slipped a bit on my "favorite doctors list."

Sincerely,
A Not-So-Confident-In-Your-Ability-Anymore Patient

Dear Vascular Surgeon,

When my neurologist refers me to you for a consult on the network of veins and arteries in my body, and asks what medical device would work best for my physical characteristics, I am unsure as to how that is an "inappropriate referral."  I realize you are a SURGEON, but contrary to popular belief you are NOT God, nor can you part the Red Sea.  You COULD, however, TRY to lower yourself to act like a human being and try to help a confused patient trying to make her life with a hideous chronic illness just a little less hideous.

Sincerely,
A Formerly Confused Patient To Whom You Were A Thorn In The Flesh


Dear Interventional Radiology,


I am not just some random human being calling in and asking to be tortured by having a medical device implanted under my skin.  There may be a REASON I am calling, and specifically, since I had to CANCEL my previous procedure, rescheduling should not require a direct act of God.  Please stop treating me like a 4 year old who stole her Mommy's lipstick.  I know what I'm talking about, obviously more than you or anyone else in your department. (Except Darcy.  See below).

Sincerely,
Not A Sadist, Just A Patient Who Actually Knows Something About Her Condition.

{I have to add that THIS morning I called I.R. and Darcy there was as helpful as could be and had all the answers I needed. You go girl!}

Dear Hemo-Onc. Lab Person,

I called you because my neurologist's nurse called YOU in the first place to find out what I needed as far as a port for plasmapheresis, and YOU gave her incorrect information the first time.  She was not available, so I went directly to the horse's mouth.  All I needed to know from you was whether or not there was a port capable of handling the pressures of plasmapheresis.  You informed me that you could not legally give me that information.  I was not asking for the location of the Ark of the Covenant for crying out loud.  I was asking if such a device existed and if so, the name of said device.  You're taking this HIPPA thing a liiiiitle too seriously.  I don't think medical devices have privacy rights.

Sincerely,
Someone You Wouldn't Want To Talk To Face To Face After That Phone Conversation

Dear Local Pheresis People:

While I appreciate the fact that you do pheresis locally, and I don't have to travel 300 miles to get a treatment anymore, I'm a little concerned with the way you express your knowledge.  Instead of asking what kind of port I am going to get and declaring in a very concerned and skeptical way that it will not be sufficient for the pressures of plasmapheresis, might you suggest the RIGHT product?  Just a thought.

Sincerely,
Sick Of Being Stabbed

And finally,

Dearest CindyLou-Boo-Boo-Pe-Doo,

My sistah.  You have saved my butt once again.  You came through in the clutch. You had allllll the answers.  You made it "more betta."  Thank you for all the information you sent me and all the time and effort you put into finding it.  Oh, I do have to say though, when you linked the Backyard Chicken thing to the discussion of the port and plasma exchange I thought you had temporarily lost it.....until I clicked on it. I adore you,  appreciate you, and love, love, love you muchly!  {And I'm still working on finding the person who separated us at birth....have to get back with you on that one!}

Sincerely,
Kerr-Bear

Random Letters Volume 917

Dear Ten-Minute-Thunderstorm,

I cannot believe you had the audacity to zap my not even two-year-old black Friday television during your very brief albeit violent appearance on Saturday.  Not even 10 minutes, and you fry my TV.  Nothing else, not the lamp that was plugged into the same outlet, or the DVD player, or the DVR; the power didn't even blink for crying out loud.  Just for the record, I'm NOT a fan.

Sincerely,
Out-Way-Too-Much-Money-To-Replace-Nature's-Bad-Aim


Dear Germ That Will Not Leave My House,

You have overstayed your welcome.  This is war.  You will be bleached, sanitized, anti-bacterialized, and in every other way, shape, form and fashion destroyed.  My son and I are sick of coughing, no pun intended.  While we are definitely on the mend, you are clingy and needy, and you are heretofore dismissed!

Sincerely,
Your Destroyer


Dear Veins,

I am so sorry to tell you that you will have to endure 2 more plasmapheresis treatments with the ginormous needles.  I have to postpone my port placement due to above germ.  Don't worry, we are going to kill it.  Please do not hide when the needles come at you.  Hopefully this will be the last time in a long time and you can have a nice little vacation in Transylvania or somewhere nice.

Sincerely,
Your Owner


And finally, because once again I am absolutely dumbfounded at the sheer shallowness of our society:

Dear Shallow, Empty-Headed People,

There REALLY are worse things than having a bad hair day, breaking a nail, or even, {gasp} getting a stain on your favorite blouse.  You can fix your hair, your nail will grow back, and you can buy another shirt for the love of cotton.  Some of us have REAL problems, like dealing with chronic illness, or loved ones with cancer, or the death of a loved one, or financial ruin or divorce.  I hate to burst your glittery little bubble, but there ain't no freakin' fairy godmother.  So pick your dainty fairy princess a$$ up, pull your head out, and GROW UP.

Sincerely,
Someone Who May Just Lose Her Mind Over The Next Shallow, Empty-Headed, Nonsensical MORON Who Has The Misfortune To Cross Her Path

Random Letters Volume...Whatever

Dear Sandman,

You FINALLY got it right. God Bless You! Now I won't have to fire you or hunt you down and infest your armpits with the fleas of a thousand camels.

Most Sincerely,
Finally Got A Good Night's Sleep


Dear Medicare,

RE-Qualify AGAIN for oxygen? Serisously?? The orders from a Pulmonologist aren't enough? Oh, wait, let me break that down for you (please read very slowly): A Pulmonologist is a doctor who goes to SCHOOL for years and years so he can figure out whether or not people can breathe. So when a Pulmonologist tells you I need oxygen to breathe, I NEED OXYGEN TO BREATHE.

And if you check with my Neurologist (sorry, that would be a doctor who also goes to school for many, many years to study the BRAIN (something found in MOST people's heads) and diseases that effects muscles necessary for breathing.) You see, I have one of those diseases, and it effects all the muscles I breathe with. Yes, you use muscles to breathe, not just your mouth.

I however, don't even use my mouth to breathe, I use a trach. (That's a tube in my neck that I use to breathe through, but I still need those pesky muscles.) This disease has no cure, so it's not going to Magically Disappear. So this requalifying crap is just another waste of my time, money, energy, and so on. THAT I know you understand, because you are SO good at it.


Dear Congress,

You are {mostly all} pathetic. My deepest sympathies for those of you who think you can affect change on your own. More power to you. There are forces at work that have been at work since lobbyists have been allowed to bribe talk to you about their special interests.

Now you're having issues dealing with the debt ceiling. Let me remind you of something: The President printed his own money. He has upped the national deficit $3,715,953,067,638 in 2.5 years. And before you all start pointing fingers, George Bush added a total of $4,899,100,310,609 in his 8 years of Presidency. I'm not saying that's good either, but Obama is a big spender.

By the way, the dollar is already practically useless, China owns most of the country anyway, and when you're talking 15 TRILLION dollars that will never get paid off anyway....I just don't see the dilema. I mean, what ARE your options? Let the country go bankrupt? Let money become completely worthless? No one pays their bills? It would be anarchy. (On second thought...)

I have the BEST idea: Why don't ALL of you, all 535 members of the House and Senate, live on Medicare and government "assistance" for one year, and THEN decide if you want to make cuts. You may not use your savings, IRA's, CD's, offshore bank accounts, private health insurance, luxury cars, etc. Oh, and for fun, why don't you all live in subsidized housing for that year as well. Y'all need something called PERSPECTIVE.

With Seething Rage at Your Ineptitude,
Walk A Mile In My Mocassins