Expectations

One thing that frustrates and saddens me more than anything is when people have expectations I simply can't meet. It breaks my heart when it is someone who should know me as well as I know myself. Someone who KNOWS what happens to me when I overdo it...

How many times must I defend myself? My breath is already limited, so how much do I have to waste on telling you AGAIN what my limitations are, when you already know?

It is so maddening.

When I was younger I felt like my dad had expectations I could never meet, since perfection was the standard. My dad has changed a lot, but now I have another person in my life doing the same thing. I'm sick when it's convenient for them. I'm FINE when they have to do something and need me to pick up the slack.

To look into the eyes of someone you love and see nothing but disappointment, when you honestly are doing your best....it's rough. Really rough. It just adds to the wretchedness of chronic illness.

I don't know what words I can say that will make you understand. I've tried and tried, but you always give me the same look of disbelief. The same condescending, negative shaking of the head. I want to slap you and cry and scream and FORCE you to live in my skin for a week. Hell, a DAY. To do what I do. I push myself so hard...for YOU....and you.just.don't.get.it. I will never meet your expectations the way they are now. Never. I wish you could just understand that. And that agonizes me. Why can't you just love and accept me the way I am? That's all I really want.