Hope- Part One

Hope.  One word.  One word that everyone knows, and probably says at least once a day.

"I hope it doesn't rain."

"I hope the mailman brings that order today!"

"I hope my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife calls today just to say hi."

Here's what The New Merriam-Webster Dictionary says about hope:
hope (vb) : to desire with expectation of fulfillment
hope (n) : 1. Trust, Reliance  2: desire accompanied by expectation of fulfillment (sounds like the verb to me); also : something hoped for  3 : one that gives promise for the future

Well, when I talk about hope, I suppose I use different contexts as well (meaning not just one).   Most of my hope on a daily basis is the "something hoped for" (although it makes me CRAZY when part of a word or a form of the word is used in its definition!!). 

"I hope I don't get sick."

"I hope I can go to that meeting."

"I hope Doug gets home on time because I can't handle things alone for one more second!"

And I realized that most of my "hopes" are really "hopes" at all; not by definition anyway.  Because I'm not expecting the fulfillment of those desires.  I absolutely do not expect those things....I more like wish for them. 

Wishing is desiring.  It is not the expectation of fulfillment of that desire.

That actually JUST hit me like a ton of bricks.  What good are the 17 "Hope" signs I have plastered all over my house if I don't REALLY believe it? 

My goodness.  I think I have to just sit with that a while...so I just changed the title of my post from "Hope" to "Hope-Part One!"

Because THE most important Hope is the third definition of the Noun:  One that gives promise for the future....we'll get to that later.  Right now, I really want to ponder what I've just discovered about myself!

Expectations

One thing that frustrates and saddens me more than anything is when people have expectations I simply can't meet. It breaks my heart when it is someone who should know me as well as I know myself. Someone who KNOWS what happens to me when I overdo it...

How many times must I defend myself? My breath is already limited, so how much do I have to waste on telling you AGAIN what my limitations are, when you already know?

It is so maddening.

When I was younger I felt like my dad had expectations I could never meet, since perfection was the standard. My dad has changed a lot, but now I have another person in my life doing the same thing. I'm sick when it's convenient for them. I'm FINE when they have to do something and need me to pick up the slack.

To look into the eyes of someone you love and see nothing but disappointment, when you honestly are doing your best....it's rough. Really rough. It just adds to the wretchedness of chronic illness.

I don't know what words I can say that will make you understand. I've tried and tried, but you always give me the same look of disbelief. The same condescending, negative shaking of the head. I want to slap you and cry and scream and FORCE you to live in my skin for a week. Hell, a DAY. To do what I do. I push myself so hard...for YOU....and you.just.don't.get.it. I will never meet your expectations the way they are now. Never. I wish you could just understand that. And that agonizes me. Why can't you just love and accept me the way I am? That's all I really want.