Failure

If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose; for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.-Mary Pickford

Sometimes I catch myself...."I feel like such a failure."

Usually it's when Jacob needs something I can't give him (physically), or my house is a mess and I just don't have the energy to clean it. Or even that I really wanted to get the dishes done, because that's one thing my husband really likes; that the dishes are clean.

Well, when I read that quote this morning, it really encouraged me! I thought, I guess I can never really fail then, because I just don't have it in me to "stay down". God gave me spunk, that's for sure. So that same tenable spirit that enabled me to fight when I was physically dying is the same one that's keeping me going now.

That same obnoxious, bumptious attitude I had when I was younger that really annoyed some of my teachers (and probably my parents) is the same fortitude with which I now fight my battles.

Jon Sinclair said, "Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo." Think about that for a minute.  What happens when you get a bruise?  It hurts.  It turns colors and can look really bad. Sometimes bruises can look WAY worse than they really are.  But you know what?  They fade. They always, always fade.  Failure is not permanent unless you stop trying. 

It cannot brand you unless you let it.

So I can say this to you my friends. I will not fail. If failure means lying down and giving in, I promise you that will never happen. I just don't have it in me. And I have God to thank for that, because that's the way He made me. He knew I would have this battle to fight later in life, and He gave me all that I needed to fight it from the moment I was conceived.

I could NOT do it alone, however. I need His strength to resupply that tenacity when I'm running low. I need my husband and son to encourage and love me through the hard times. And I need YOU, dear friends, to continue to spur me on, to pray, and to just be there. Thank you for that.

So I say to this day, to this week, to this life: BRING IT!

I will love You, O Lord, my strength.
² The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
³ I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised;
So shall I be saved from my enemies. Psalm 18:1-3

Rituxan: Epic FAIL

The Rituxan was unsuccessful. After they FINALLY got started, I ran for about an hour and a half when my throat started tickling. No problem, I read that can happen and not mean anything. They my eyes started itching. So I told the nurse. As she was contacting a doc there, I started having difficulty breathing. Allergic reaction. Big time. So they stopped the drug, gave me a bunch of stuff and I was ok.

They called my neurologist. I wanted them to try again but they wouldn't; my neuro agreed. He said he wants me to do pheresis for now while he figures out what to do. I am e-mailing him next. I wanted to go right to pheresis then, since we were already down there, he said no, I'd had enough trauma for the day.

I am upset.

I am angry.

I am frustrated.

I am stunned.

I was so sure this was IT.

I'm going to see if Dr. Teener will admit me to the hospital, give me a buttload of preventative drugs and try again.

Back to square one. I can't believe it.