Life Just Keeps Going

Have you ever noticed that life has a way of just....going on, no matter what?  That there are what, billions of people on this planet, who live their lives every day, some happy, some sad, some sick, some experiencing trauma, pain, death.

And life marches along.

A mother loses her child.  The world continues to turn.

Someone loses their best friend, sister, really, to cancer.  People keep going to work, children go to school, people carry on.

A newleywed gets a diagnosis:  life-long, chronic, debilitating illness.  And life just keeps going.

Sometimes it just doesn't seem right.  It's like I want to stop people in the street and shake them and MAKE them understand the depth of my pain!  Why can't they get it?  How can they just soldier on, like drones going off to war?

I want to go to a bar and tell the person who is about to leave and drive home, bombed off his a$$ that someone like him killed my sister when I was just 16 years old.  To tell him not to make the same mistake.  Even though life would go on.

I want to go to that person who is about to jump and beg them to just hang on for one more breath.  One more minute.   One more hour.  One.  More.

And I want to scream for all the world to hear that they can't just keep going like nothing horrible is happening to so many people I love.

And yet somehow, amidst the pain and suffering, even though parts of me rebel against this constant motion of life; it's comforting.

To know that babies will still be born, and people are still doing good, and there is kindness in the world.  That God grants us new mercies every morning.  Lord knows I need them.

Although no one is promised tomorrow, somehow it soothes me to know that joy comes in the morning.  That after the darkness, the sun will rise.  I may not be able to SEE it, but I know it will always rise.

Once more.

Please Consider This

This is an email that I received yesterday from my cousins Jenny and Greg.  Jenny is Doug's first cousin, and she and Greg live in Wyoming raising 4 children.  This is their word-for-word letter, and I think it is intelligently and thoughtfully written.  I hope and pray you take a moment to read it.

"Please Consider This

To my family and friends,

I’m sending this because I think it is important, and I ask that you please read and consider what I’ve shared.  But, before I begin, I want to sincerely express that I DON’T JUDGE YOU.

If you are pro-choice, please know that I don’t think I’m any better than you, I’m simply at a different place in my life.  I’ve chosen to be here.  We all grow as we learn, we advance in our understandings and we change our minds as we learn there is a reason to do so.  So, if you are pro-choice, I’m asking you to PLEASE consider the following. 

If a woman believes no one else has the right to choose for her, how can she think it is appropriate for her to choose for another (the baby)?  Please think about that for a moment.

We have a voice, but an unborn child has none.  They cannot speak for themselves – they cannot communicate their choice. 

For many, the question is, “When does life being?”  If you still think life begins at birth, please research and consider modern up to date information.  Today’s technology has advanced so much that 3D ultrasounds are like watching a HD video.  I’ve personally watched videos of a baby sucking his thumb, or rubbing his eyes – and you will be shocked to see how early in the pregnancy a baby has little fingers, finger nails, a heartbeat, nerve endings and the ability to feel.  They rub their eyes, hiccup, and suck their thumbs.  How can anyone really conclude unborn babies are not a life?  Ask any Mother of four or more, and she’ll tell you she could detect different personalities in her children based upon their behavior in her womb.  They are a life, and if you will just look at some modern day video footage, I don’t see how any reasonable person could honestly disagree. 

My opinion – I think abortion is the single biggest crime/sin of our time.

In 2008 there were more than 3,300 abortions a day, seven days a week (1.21 million that year alone), just in this country.  While most of us are busy living our lives - not really thinking about or paying attention to what is happening, a mass execution is literally taking place right under our noses. 

Why?

Because, in 1973 when the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of abortion, we did not have high definition video of a baby in the womb, and still today, many of us have simply never taken a moment to see the new information.

I’m asking you to please take a little time to watch some modern day videos and make your own choice.  The web site www.abort73.com has some good information.  Many of the videos are graphic so you’ll have to decide what you choose to watch, and what you read instead.  It is difficult to see some of it, but it is difficult because it is real, and it is wrong.  Each of us needs to know these facts.  The outcome is too important to ignore or to allow ourselves to be uniformed.  Please take a couple of minutes to look, and then decide what you think is right.

And in closing, I want you to ask yourself, “Who are you going to vote for?”  My conscience dictates that I vote for Romney, after all, how can any Christian justify voting for a pro-choice candidate?  A pro-choice vote equals voting for, and approving of, killing babies.  That might sound harsh, but it is an accurate statement – watch the videos and see if you disagree.

How can the economy, the unemployment rate, taxes, foreign policy, or anything, be more important than aborting over a million innocent babies each year?

I’m voting pro-life, not pro-abortion.

It’s not really about choice.  Pro-choice is a misleading label that confuses what is REALLY the issue.  It is not about choice, it is about life or death.  That is honestly what it distills down to, so let’s not sugar coat it, let’s call it what it is.

Please review and think about the information that is now available, and if you change your mind about being pro-abortion, I hope you’ll join me in giving helpless and innocent babies a voice.   If you already agree with me, I hope this email strengthens your resolve to make a difference.

If you want to make a difference, but don’t know how, please contact me and I’d be happy to share what I’ve learned.

Sincerely,

Greg Smith

Casper, WY"

Greg also said this letter was fine to share, forward, whatever.  So if you feel inclined, please do so.

Thank you.

Swimming Upstream

That's me.  Swimming upstream.  Going against the flow.  Fighting my way through.  It gets SO. OLD.  But I can't stop....not when I know what I'm doing is right.  So it puts me in the grave early...what else is there to do?  Compromise what I believe because no one has my back?  I know I'm being a bit ambiguous, and I'm sorry for that.....there's just a situation that I can't really COMPLETELY discuss because if the wrong person reads it, my life will only get MORE difficult.

Anyway.  It just seems like everything is a fight.  Trying to raise my child the right way.

Homeschooling.  I'm "this" close to sending Jacob to school, but I just CAN'T.  Not just the germs (if I didn't have the trach I MIGHT consider a charter school) but I'll just get sick and it will be crappier than it is now. I am just getting over pneumonia from a cold Jacob picked up and gave to me.  He's so smart....he would be bored out of his mind.  But it's just not healthy to be around your child 24/7/365.  Maybe I'm just selfish.

Isolation.  Feeling alone in every way.  Emotionally.  Physcially, for sure.  Mentally.  Spiritually.  Parenting.  Discipline. It's tough right now, let me tell ya.  Add running a business and chronic illness....and welcome to my life.

I know other people have it much worse.  MUCH worse.  There are a few people in some of my MG groups online who are MUCH sicker than I am, and have other horrifying personal things going on.  I know that I have to keep my chin up.  But lately it seems like every time I try to stick that chin up, I just get a swift right uppercut. 

{Sigh.}  Jesus told us that in this life we would have trouble.  I just didn't know it would be so painful.

And that's another "upper" post from me...sorry...just gets old having to always think of someone worse off than you to make you feel better.

Another Day, Another Doctor

How I wish it was another dollar instead!  I can't seem to shake this stupid cough. So I'm off to the doctor this afternoon. I'm just not feeling the greatest, and I'm supposed to have 2 treatments this week.  I don't want to go.  I don't want to do it again without the port.  Last time sucked so bad.  Ninety minutes to place 2 lines.  Stab, stab, stab. Plus, before each treatment I have an appointment with a different doctor. Nice.

Anyway, you'll all be offering me some cheese to go with my whine in a moment, I'm sure.  I need carpal tunnel surgery.  My hands are so numb and painful in the morning....sometimes for hours. They hurt SO bad....and I sleep with wrist splints on.  I have forever.  But they don't help enough.  I've been diagnosed with it through an EMG (oh, those are SO fun!)...and I've tried the Cortisone shots....which I will NEVER do again.  Talk about pain. HOLY CRAP.  The shots themselves were brutal enough, but them for 24 hours I had the worst hand pain I've ever had in my life.  I cried all night.  It was HORRIBLE.

So I need surgery.  We've met our out of pocket max. for insurance this year, so it would be 100% covered if I can figure out how to get it done before Decemeber 1. 

Then, I still need the port, which will be covered as well.

Saturday I ran a few errands and had lunch with my friend Joanna, and I was just WALKING and hit my big toe with the heel of my other shoe, my cute, summer Birks that I bought in March or April that my feet are FINALLY not too swollen to wear, and the first time I wear them, I BARELY bumped it, and nearly ripped half my toenail off.  Started gushing blood, I'm in the bead store...good grief.  What else.

Could someone please just move in for about a month and manage my life for me?  I'm tired of doing it.  Ain't no letting up either.  Doug hasn't been feeling well for almost a month as well.  And getting him to the doctor is about as easy as getting a vegan to a pig roast.  So that just adds more to me.  Thank God for Auntie Shawn.  Jacob goes there twice a week.

Because I'm supposed to "live a stress-free life."  Um, yah.  Anyone who can show me how to REALISTICALLY do that.....I'll give you a million dollars.  As soon as my money tree starts blooming.

Life

Yah, I know, quite the specific title there.

I was just sitting here thinking how different we all are, and how each of our lives is so valuable and precious, yet so very, very different.  What's important to me may not even show up on your radar, and vice versa.

There's just so much going on.  I think about being at the store, or the mall (which I never go to anymore) but just anywhere to watch people.  You think you know who they are, what they're doing or thinking, but do you?  Do you really?

Do you know that the woman buying a new man's dress shirt is buying it for his funeral?

Do you know that the man who bumped into you, who you glared at, is losing his vision, and didn't see you?

Do you know that the woman on the bus with the unruly children just found out she has cancer, and can't imagine what her children will grow up like without her?

Sometimes I have so much pain in my heart that I want to just scream and yell at the world for going on like nothing is happening when there is so much sadness and pain all around me.  I just want to MAKE people wake up and pay attention and see that it's not all about them...and it's not all about me.  It's about US.  It's about HIM.

We need to support each other, not rip each other apart.  Don't always assume the worst of people!  Here's a thought:  if you see someone you think is irritated or grumpy...SMILE at them.  Say hi. Maybe they have a situation you know nothing about and your attitude is not what they need.  It's your compassion they long for.

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

It really is that simple.

Trying To Catch Up

My word.  If my brain was not securely encased in bone it would surely leap from my head from sheer frustration and overload.  It's like at any one time I'm trying to think of, organize, reflect, and orchestrate 25 different things.  Having 4 days of celebrating an only child's 5th birthday didn't help.

Saturday was the party at Grandma and Papa's house.  Sunday we chilled out here but let Jacob open his presents.  Monday Doug took the day off and we went fishing in South Haven. Didn't catch a thing, but checked out a few shops (didn't buy anything but fudge and fancy dog biscuits).  OH, and of course I found a bead store.  Then we stopped at the Dutch Farm Market (yummy), Jacob played on the playground, and was SUPPOSED to go to bed early.  But NOOOOOO, Daddy wanted to do fireworks.

So the NEXT day, at his kid party with 6 of his cousins, he was a mess.  A crying, whining, overly tired, overstimulated mess.  And I got to deal with it.  Thank GOD for Karen and Kerry. 

Even right now I've got like 10 blog posts running through my head.  Little Caesars didn't put our order in (I CALLED AHEAD so it would be READY!!) so Kerry had to wait, and Karen and I had to distract 7 crazy hungry children for 20 extra minutes.

I'm trying to up my page rank for my blog for google (something I didn't even know existed til recently) and I can't figure out what the heck I'm doing.  Computer programming is from the pit of hell.  I literally gave myself a migraine trying to read code and figure out what the %$#!& I was supposed to do with it.  I think I might have even broken out in hives.  Palpitations for sure.  Thankfully, God has blessed me with Kate, blog designer and programmer extraordinaire, who is helping me. (Her button 2711 Designs is on the side of my blog).

I've got pictures I want to post.

I've got a budget from hell I'm trying to figure out...property taxes are due...HUGE electric bill threw me all off schedule last month....I'm about to go insane....I'm trying to start/run/increase a business, and haven't had time or energy to do so.

I've got the usual doctors, HSA, health issues, prescriptions, appointments, etc to keep up on (no small task in and of itself), and a million other things running around my head like little mouse feet. Scurry, scurry, scurry.  I've got book reviews to do, a Bible study to finish, turkeys to corral, dogs to take care of, a child to homeschool, raise, teach right from wrong, make eat good food, etc., dinners to make, oh yeah, and then there's this thing called MG.

Ok.  I'm going to go now and try to figure out how to organize all of this stuff without losing what's left of my mind.  Thanks for reading!!!!

Remembering

You know how you start hearing from every area about one particular thing, and you KNOW God is trying to tell you something? Well, that’s been me the last few days, folks. I think God is reminding ME, as well as wanting to share with lots of you out there, that we need to remember Him. We need to remember all the good God has done in our lives.

Joanna and I are doing Me, Myself and Lies, a Bible study by Jennifer Rothschild. This week has been about remembering.

Yesterday I was blessed to have an amazing angel (see previous post) come and clean my house, for free, someone I had just met when she walked through my door…just because she loves to serve God, and God wanted to bless me through friends. She asked me to tell her my story, and I was remembering all the things God saved me from while I was really, really ill.

I receive Chronic Illness Devotionals in my email every day, and guess what yesterday’s was? You got it: remembering the good God has done.

If you have read this blog long, you know my favorite book on the planet (besides my Bible) is my Synonym Finder. I’m a word nerd. So of course, I had to look up every synonym for “remember.” Here are a few of my favorites: recall, recollect, call to mind, have at the tip of your tongue, keep in mind, bear in mind, be aware of, review, go over, memorize, have by heart.

Wow. Can you imagine if we truly did this? If we made a list of all the good God has done…Well, we couldn’t even make a list that long! But then, to really remember. To call to mind. To go over. To memorize. To have by heart.

One of my favorite Scripture stories is of God leading the Israelites through the Jordan River. Not to mention it was at flood stage! He told Joshua to take 12 stones out of the MIDDLE of the Jordan, and build a memorial as to what God had done there. That way, when their children asked, they could explain how God had saved them once again.

Do you have a memorial? Do you have any physical reminders of God’s goodness? I encourage you to find one. For many, it can be photos… I have many photos from when I was ill, and to look back and see how far God has brought me, well, it’s just amazing.

For some, it’s something that may have caused them physical injury or helped them heal: a cast, a piece of metal; for soldiers, maybe shrapnel or a bullet. Something that you can show your children and say, “This is just one way God has done good for me.”

Even in the BAD times, God is working for our benefit. I know if you are going through something right now that may be reallllly tough to believe. But I am telling you from experience! I have been fighting myasthenia for 14 years now. Nine years ago I should have died. More than once. My ENTIRE life has changed. I’m on disability. I can’t work. I didn’t think I could have children (see Jacob, miracle child!). My independence is virtually gone. I have lost numerous people in my life whom I thought were friends. I am judged constantly because I don’t look like I’m dying. I have a trach through which I breathe.

And yet, I wouldn’t trade any of it, because God has done so much in my life since then. I know Him better, although I still have a loooong way to go! I love more deeply, more easily, I forgive MUCH more easily, I’m not nearly as impatient as I used to be. Life is precious. I don’t get angry like I used to. Things that used to bother me just roll off me like water off a ducks back. Now, I’m not saying nothing ever gets to me, because it surely does. There are things that will always be wrong and unjust, and that will never change.

But things like traffic jams, construction delays, changes in plans (which used to send me over the edge), unexpected small problems, what to eat and what to wear…it’s like, who cares? The God of the Universe has reached into my soul to change me for the better. Whatever I have to deal with I will, because I wouldn’t have missed that for the world.

“Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and forget not all His benefits!” Psalm 103:2

Will you share a remembrance of what God has done in your life?