Letter to God: Faithful

Dear Lord,

I feel so lost.  I've always been a "do-er"...a Martha, I suppose.  Type A, always doing something.  Right now though, Father, I'm just lost.  I was sitting here thinking of what to say, and I am brought back once again to Romans 8:26-27. 

 26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because[a] the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."

The last time these verses were so prevalent in my life was almost 19 years ago when I was told I could have a terminal, degenerative disease that would slowly and painfully end my life.  You led me to this Scripture then, and you're leading it to me now.  I don't even know how to pray, Lord.  Thank you for Your Holy Spirit who intercedes on my behalf.

You know I've never been good at being still, or at not knowing what's coming next.  Now, not only do I have no idea what's coming next, I'm *forced* to be still because I cannot even WALK let alone DO anything.  Yes, Lord, I'm angry and frustrated.  I know You can handle that.  I don't like not knowing my future.  I don't like not knowing how long I'll be stuck in this blasted cast, in the house, even in this state. 

But You know God.  You Know. And that HAS to be good enough right now.  Help me really GET that.

In Jesus' Name.

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This song by Carrollton is SO my heart right now.  Please read these beautiful words.

"Even though I cannot see where You're leading me
I am Yours, and You are faithful

It's another day in a worn out life
With nothing lost and nothing gained
And I can't make it on my own
And that I know will never change
So my hope is in You
My trust is in You
And You have never failed

You are faithful to provide
You are always by my side
Even though I cannot see
Where you're leading me
I am Yours, and You are faithful

So why do I still try my ways
When all it brings is doubt and fear
Lord help me see, help me believe
In You alone I persevere

You are faithful to provide
You are always by my side
Even though I cannot see
Where you're leading me
I am Yours, and You are faithful

My hope is in You
My trust is in You
And You have never failed
So I will lay down
All of my fears now
Cause You will never fail

You are faithful to provide
You are always by my side

You are faithful to provide
You are always by my side
Even though I cannot see
Where you're leading me
I am Yours, and You are faithful 

I am Yours, and You are faithful

I am Yours, and You are faithful"

Letter To God

Well, God, another MG Awareness Month has come and gone.... God, please don't let people forget.  Please don't let people forget people like Jessica, who lost her 6 year old precious little girl because of this horrific disease.

Please don't let people forget, amidst the fireworks, summer vacations, back to school events and so on, that real people are suffering every day from this all too real disease.

People like Robin, who just got off the vent, Lord.  Who had to have a tube down her throat to breathe for her because she was too weak. We are so, so thankful that you brought her through, Father.  That you gave her strength. 

People like Jen, who, like most myasthenics, can't handle the heat and humidity of this past couple of weeks, and ended up in the hospital.

People like Charlie, and Karen, and Lorraine, who have added health problems on TOP of MG... Oh, Lord Jesus, take their pain away. Heal them.  And don't let them forget how much YOU love them.

Father there are so many.  Way too many.  I just don't want any of them forgotten, Lord!  We need a cure.  We need people to not forget. I am crying out to you...Please God.  Let someone who CAN, finance research.  Let people be moved to give to smaller organizations that are fighting for every penny to use wisely to help others.

Lord, you know every name.  You know every symptom.  You know every heartbeat. 
Let them not be forgotten.

Letter to God

Dear God,

The sunshine this week was really cool. Thanks for that. Made lots of people happy. Thanks that my back is getting better, and my cold didn't get too bad either...You know how scary it is for me when I get sick. I know I need to trust You more in that area!

I guess what I really wanted to talk to you about is Jacob. God, that little boy can make my heart sing, dance, and break all at the same time. I look at him and think, how did this precious, innocent little being come out of the likes of me? But then I remember how YOU see me. That in Your eyes, I am beautiful and precious too. That You chose me. That You love me with a love that I'll never remotely understand.

But God, when I look at Jacob, and when I see him with someone else, specifically another mom, who is "normal" health-wise, who can pick him up and tickle him, and twirl him, or get down on the floor with him and play like most parents do....Oh, Lord. It's then that my heart just aches. Will that ever go away? I want so much for him. I know You do too, because He is your child even more than he is mine.

While I am so grateful for the amazing people you have seen fit to put in my life to help me...O, God, what would I do without them? I am truly so thankful....and yet my stupid pride is so jealous God. I don't want to be envious. I really, really don't. But lately it's become a real problem. I'm so envious of other people's health. I'm so jealous of what other people can do with MY son. I want to be doing those things with Jacob, Lord! I want to be throwing him up in the air and running around with him on my back giving him horsie rides...sitting on the floor and playing cars, or dinosaurs, or having elephant battles. But instead I feel trapped. Trapped up on the couch in this broken vessel, Lord. This worn out body. Looking into those big beautiful blue eyes and having to let him down once again because "Mommy can't."

Please help me with my attitude God. I so just want to be thankful for these wonderful people who help me out, PERIOD. I don't want the "but I wish I..." part. I don't want the negative feelings about myself and my illness. There is nothing I can do about it until you decide to heal me. Whether that's this side of heaven or not, I know that's not something You're gonna tell me right now. And I'm good with that. I just need Your help with a few other things then...like helping me to be content with what I AM able to do. Help me to focus on the positive in my life Lord, because there really is so much.

Thanks God. Thanks for always being there and listening, and always having my best interests at heart whether I even realize it or not. And most of all, thank you for the priceless gift of my son, Jacob. My life would never have been the same without him God. He is amazing. Thanks again.
Love,
Your daughter Kerri