If Old McDonald Had MG

I've published this before on this blog, but I seriously think everyone just needs a good dose of funny today.  So without further ado:

{to the tune of "Old McDonald Had A Farm"}

Old McDonald had MG.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

And with MG he had some docs.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

With some "ologists" here and some "ologists" there,
Here a doctor there a doctor, everywhere a specialist,
Old McDonald had MG.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

And with MG he had symptoms.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

With headaches here and fevers there,
Here a tumor, there a blood clot, everywhere a drooped eye,
Old McDonald  had MG.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

And with MG he took some meds.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

With steroids here and chemo there,
Here some CellCept,  there some Mesty, everywhere some plasma,
Old McDonald had MG.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

And with MG he got no sleep.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

With a bad dream here and a flashback there,
Here hard mattress, there no breathing, everywhere insomnia,
Old McDonald had MG.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

And with MG he was-a-germophobe.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

With infection here and pneumonia there,
Here bronchitis there gastritis, everywhere some hepatitis,
Old McDonald had MG.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

And with MG he heard it all.  Gasp, choke, cough, pee, barf.

With a "lazy" here and a "fatty" there,
Here a "whackjob" there a "headcase" everywhere a mental illness,
Old McDonald had MG, {big finish...pretend you're a Rockette}

GASP......
CHOKE......
COUGH......
PEE.....
BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**DISCLAIMER**
Old McDonald really does NOT have MG.  This was written by an actual patient with an actual disease that's actually called MG.  Old McDonald is still happily on his farm.  No animals were harmed in the writing of this song.

All posts are copyrighted and the personal property of Kerri Sweeris and may not be reproduced or copied without permission.

Potty Language (Really!)

Top Ten Reason You Know You Have IBS/Spastic Colon/Colon Issues/Nerve Problems/"Tummy Trouble"/Gut Rot:

10. You now KNOW that Angel Soft was NOT made by angels.  In fact, it was likely made by hideous elves that never have to poo.

9.  You know exactly how many tiles are on your bathroom floor, including the partial spaces, which you add in to make the total.  (47)

8. You know exactly how many tiles are on your bathroom ceiling, including the partial spaces.  (76)

7.  You're in the kitchen and your son looks at you and says, "Where's my real mom?"  And you say, "I AM your real mom!" And he says, "You can't be.  My REAL mom is always in the bathroom!"

6.  You kept an old cellphone instead of trading it in because it has a Scrabble game on it that you love to play, and that you are very, very good at.

5.  Your hands go numb from playing said Scrabble game.

4.  You buy baby wipes.  And you don't have a baby.  (But you DO have "Angel Soft" toilet paper!)

3.  You've written an entire movie in your head in a singular day on the "throne."

2.  You thank God every day for indoor plumbing.

And the number one reason you know you have... (see headline) IS:

1.  You wonder what kind of day it is when your highest scoring word on Scrabble (see #'s 5 & 6), worth 140 points, is "jackass." (sorry mom)

No Kidding!!!

HUGE thanks to Kate from one of my MG groups on facebook for this:  Prepare to snort. The [stuff in brackets] is mine.

Some doctors are educated idiots ..............

1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. [Really??]

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.  [Maybe because she has you for a doctor??]

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.  [this would be MORE accurate if it was from an insurance company!]

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. [Exactly the messages I get from my docs]

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.  [won't EVEN go there.]

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until She got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical Therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. The patient refused autopsy.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. [okay, if this doesn't make you pee your pants laughing YOU need a doctor!]

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

This Is A Test

I saw this on a friend's blog today....it is HILARIOUS! Read all the way through. Thanks Kim!

This is a neat test. I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical,

A person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.

The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph, and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.





I need a vacation!!!!

New Look and Other Fun Stuff

Welcome to my new blog! Don't you just LOVE the design? Big kudos to Kate from Mommy Monologues. She is a FANTASTIC blog designer, an absolute JOY to work with, and SO reasonable price wise. (Not the she's UN-reasonable any other way! : ) But really....check out her stuff. She's AWESOME.

Secondly, talking to the neurologist today about Rituxan. I'm a little nervous, PLUS I've having my first pheresis treatment in over 2 months. Please pray that everything needs to go as it should.

Finally, here are some FUNNY "Kids say the darndest things:"

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT !

I Think Cyclosporine Was Made By HMO's

Just like prednisone. Looks good at first. Sounds great at first. May even save your life...and then. The side effects kick in. Right now, the cyclosporine is causing my blood sugar to be RIDICULOUSLY high. Like WAY high. Higher than prednisone unless I'm on 30mgs or more of the Prednisone. I have almost constant cramping in my hands now, my calves are ready to seize up any minute...I've had a headache since I started taking it...I feel like crap. But I can breathe. So is that the trade off? I'm waiting for my neurologist to call. I'm ready to quit taking the stupid stuff, so unless he has a REEEAALLLLLY good reason not to, I'm done.

Some folks won't be happy because they think I give up when things "take work." Well, I'm not going to be in pain 24/7 and go blind from high blood sugar because they think I give up too easily. Let them live like me for one day.

Anywho. He's a funny that I saw a loooooong time ago, and thought it was appropriate for the way I feel right now:


And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.

And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stints . . . . .

And Satan created HMOs...

Funny Friday!

Off to Ann Arbor today, so here's a funny!

If you are 30, or older, you will think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way
I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butt! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,The Over 30 Crowd

Huh?

Hmmmm......who lives HERE???

Looks like SOMEONE from the DOT had one too many before hitting the paint wagon!

Seriously?

This one HAS to be in front of a government building.

How the swine flu REALLY got started.

Finally....and here I thought the "children were our future!"