Random Letters Volume 306 ( Or Something)

Dear Nasty Cold/Flu Bug,

You have FAR overstayed your welcome.  You need to leave.  Like now.  You cause my chest to feel like needles are being ripped out when I cough.  You make me shove kleenex up my nose and drink tea like a little old lady.  May you go far, far away and infest all the people who have ever given me a hard time or treated me like crap.  Yup.  I said it.

Sincerely,

SICK of being Sick!



Dear Dreams,

I don't know where on earth you are coming from, but you are strange!  From having lunch with a friend who has passed away to a friend I haven't seen in forever to 2 old men millionaires (I can't remember what THEY wanted) and a gigantic house....the snow, the germs...all in one dream.  No wonder I'm tired all the time.  Go find someone else to invade...I want some nice, happy, uneventful, restful dreams!

Sincerely,
She-Who-Dreams-Too-Crazily


And just because I cannot resist.... (Thanks to a friend Doug works with for this one...)
Dear Dude Who Drives This Truck:

Really???  Sick, but Hilarious.

Sincerely,
Too Sick to Laugh, But Otherwise Would

Even More Random Letters

Dear Facebook,

When I add several pictures at once, as your new set-up encourages, inevitably one or two get "eaten."  Who or what is taking my pictures?  It's like the sock monster in the dryer.  You KNOW you put even pairs in, and you come out with one extra sock.  Well, in this case, I don't end up with one extra anything...it just disappears.  Where do they go?  Oh, and if you happen to know the sock monster, maybe you could tell him (or her) that I would like a word.

Sincerely,
Confused Photographer



Dear Brain,

You can come back whenever you feel like it.  Truly.  I'm not sure where you went, or why, but I miss you, and would enjoy not feeling like an imbecile half the time.  I can't remember my name half the time.  So please, come back....

Sincerely,
Ker......?



Dear Mr. President,

I have very few words I can use to write to you since my mother now has facebook and reads my blog.  However, I would like to point out that some of your spending cuts are pretty darn stupid.  My nephew, a member of the Armed Special Forces, recently spent over a week, most of it in GERMANY, waiting on his airplane, which was down for "mechanical" reasons.  He had just returned from Afghanistan, covering YOUR ass as well as the rest of the country's, has a wife, a 2 year old and a 2 month old baby at home waiting on him, and he's stuck in Germany waiting on a ride home. 

REALLY???

Then, his unit hitched a ride with another unit who had also been waiting, but they went to Maine.  My nephew doesn't live in Maine, he lives in Georgia.  Now in case you are geographically challenged, these two places are approximately 1500 miles apart. 

My niece wanted to buy a civilian plane ticket to get her husband home from Germany, but apparently that's against "regulations."

Either way, it is because of YOUR loathsome attitude toward the United States military that a group of young servicemen were kept away from their families far longer then necessary after protecting YOU and serving in the Middle East.

Maybe you should have held a special press conference with military personnel on stage with you, waving to their families while you said that the most important thing is to protect our military...And that you would do anything to get them home where they belong... After all, you are a terrific dog and pony show-er. Would have been a great PR gig.

They take an oath, you know.  Maybe YOU should have taken something similar.  They "do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice.  So help me God."

Maybe yours should have read: "I, Barack Hussein Obama, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against tyrannical despots like myself, and that I will bear true faith and and allegiance to the United States.  That I will obey and support the Constitution of the United States, BY the PEOPLE, FOR the PEOPLE, so help me God."

Sincerely,
Someone Who Cannot WAIT Four More Years!

Random Letters Volume #726

(I really have no idea what volume this is, but just plain ol' "Random Letters" is so boring...)

Dear People Whom I Don't Know But Feel Free To Give Me Advice:

Just keep your mouth shut.  If you don't know me, you're not going to know what may or may not help me.  Your start-up company or aromatherapy or living juice topiary isn't going to cure me.  Whether YOU like to admit it or not, some things can't be fixed.  So please stop telling random strangers how to take care of themselves.  You have no IDEA what you're babbling about.

Sincerely,
Random Stranger


Dear 50.9% Of Americans:

Really?  Four years and 8.5 TRILLION dollars wasn't enough for you?  What's next? Standing in a bread line?

Sincerely,
Woman Who Obviously Voted for The Other Guy


Dear Governor of New York:

You banned restaurants from selling super-sized sodas.  Are. You. KIDDING. Me???  Do you honestly have nothing better to do in the entire state of New York??  Like fighting crime, or banning Other Really Dangerous Things like, say, merry-go-rounds?  I mean seriously.  I'm a freaking adult.  And some person, one man, who happens to have the power to do so, is going to tell me how much SODA I can or cannot consume?

Spare me the "America's the fattest country in the world and our children are obese" speech.  I don't deny facts.  However, if PARENTS across the country would be RESPONSIBLE for what their children shove into their mouths, we wouldn't have this issue.  And if I want to drink a 32 oz Diet Coke, who the hell are you to tell me I can't?  Last time I checked, this was STILL (albeit hanging-on-white-knuckled-by-the-seat-of-her-pants) the land of the FREE.  No one is holding a gun to anyone's head forcing them to eat that 20 piece nugget as an appetizer to their 4-Big-Mac, 1/2 pound of fries meal.

Government control is bad enough.  Don't tell me what I can drink, for crying out loud.

Sincerely,
Someone Who Doesn't Really Drink Much Soda But Doesn't Like Being Told What To Do

Random Letters Volume 459

Okay, so who knows what volume it is, what difference does it make?  Sounds better than just "More Random Letters." 


Dear Krazy Glue,

You show a dude hanging from an I beam by his hard hat, yet your product won't adhere the top of a puzzle piece to the rest of the puzzle piece (you know, the picture part starts peeling up from the cardboard part?).  I am highly confused, and more than a little irritated.  IF, in fact, your product can hold a man up, of average weight, maybe 150 pounds, please explain to me why it cannot hold paper together.

Sincerely,
Krazyily Konfused

P.S.  You really should review your spelling



Dear United Airlines,

My elderly parents (sorry, mom and dad, you ARE 73) flew out to California on your airline.  They got to the airport an extra hour early because they didn't have their seat assignments yet.  My parents are zealous when it comes to airport protocol, so they got there prior to "on time."

Their flight was originally supposed to leave at 7:50 AM EST.  It was delayed due to a mechanical failure...always a wonderful concept; getting on a plane that was JUST fixed.

It was delayed again.  And again.  Eventually, your airline told my elderly parents that they would be BUSSED to Chicago's O'Hare Airport.  Not flown, bussed.  As in, not a 45 minute trip, but a 3+ hour trip.  The bus left Grand Rapids and got to Chicago at 4:00PM CST.  At this time, my parents had been up for over 12 hours, and should have already been at their destination in California. 

However, their NEW flight out of O'Hare didn't leave until 8:40 PM CST, which put them at their destination at 2:00 AM PST.  So for those of you who do math as well as you treat your passengers, my 73 year old parents were up for over 24 hours, traveling.  My father is not in terrific health, and it took him days to recover.

Your advertising slogans are: 

                              It's time to fly.  Um, not according to this performance.

                              Life is a journey, travel it well.  I'm not sure they traveled it well, but you sent my parents on a journey alright.  A journey from hell!

                              Fly the friendly skies of United.  I'm sure they would have preferred this to driving the pothole-filled, construction-laden, traffic-jam-ridden highway on a BUS.

Shame on you, United Airlines.  This debacle will go further than just this blog, I guarantee you that.  Your treatment of passengers is disgraceful, and your airplanes are obviously not up to par.  I hope and pray that no one else I love chooses your airline. 

And ya might want to reconsider those slogans.  May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

Most Abhorrently Yours,
Daughter of Two Sweet, Wonderful, TIRED, Elderly Parents


Dear MG,

I hate you.  I loathe you.  You bring seething rage to every cell in my body.  You are like the devil: you kill, steal and destroy. 

You have killed my dreams.

You have stolen my freedom.

You have destroyed my independence.

You have taken, and taken, and taken some more. 

There is not much more I have to give.

So go back to hell where you belong and LEAVE.  ME.  ALONE!!!

Random Letters Volume 98

Dear People Hanging Out Your Van, Over Your Walkers, Parked in Handicapped Next to Me and My Son, Smoking Like Fiends:

REALLY????

Sincerely,
Disgusted


Dear Oxygen Patient Getting Ready To Light Up,

Please wait to explode until my son and I are out of your blast radius.
Thanks.

Sincerely,
Woman Who Think You're An Idiot


Dear Dude Strutting Through The Hospital With A Blue Tooth, Fancy Bag, Spiky Hair and FLIP FLOPS,

You really need to keep a better eye on your things.  That nice leather bag almost turned into Sid the Special Hospital Helper's new toy.  And what's with the FLIP FLOPS?  Are you serious?  Makes me VERY curious to see what's in the bag...

Sincerely,
Observant and Disturbed Passerby


Dear Mr. President,

I can't use your name because as my son says, "That's a swear word in this house!"  I have one simple request:  I would like you, your family, your staff, and all the members of Congress, and anyone else even remotely associated with you that has special benefits and high salaries and no threat of unemployment and super awesome health insurance,  to immediately take a 50% pay cut, pay higher taxes than anyone in the country, and use Medicare for your primary health insurance.

THEN, when YOU get Myasthenia Gravis, and YOUR appeal's appeal of the appeal for you to keep necessary medical equipment gets denied, YOU will know how it feels to be a "regular" human being without privilege.

YOU go on YOUR health care plan and see how YOU like it.

That's what I thought.

Sincerely,
Voting your A$$ OUT In November

Random Letters

Dear Boxelder Bugs,

You are hideous and I hate you! You don't seem to annoy anyone in the house but me. I do not want you near me! Do not crawl on me, do a "fly-by" my face, or land on my table. Go away! You're a bug. You're supposed to live OUTSIDE and do buggy things. And since you live on almost every flippin' tree within one square mile of my house, you have PLENTY to choose from. If you MUST stay, know that this. means. war. My dogs love to eat you, and I will do everything in my power to knock you on the floor so they can devour you (insert evil laugh).

Sincerely,
Boxelder Bug Battler



Dear Rituxan Infusion Scheduler,

Thank you for getting me in so quickly. But 8 AM? Seriously? We live 3 hours away! Because I am confident that this medication will put me into remission, I'll let it go, this time.

Sincerely,
Not An Early Riser


Dear Mailman,

Could you bring me something other than catalogs I don't want and junk mail? I love getting the mail. Moreso than the average bear. It's kind of a weird thing, I suppose...like my office supply addiction. But that's another story. Anyway. A nice package or letter or card would be awesome. See what you can do. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Snail Mail Junkie


Dear Charities That Send Cash or Checks In Your Plea For Money,

I will NOT send you money on principle. I won't even send your check back. Once I even cashed it because you make me so angry. If you send out 1 million letters with a $2.00 check in each envelope, and everyone cashed them (since they are made out to the person you send it to), you would be out TWO MILLION DOLLARS. Why don't you spare yourselves the time and money of sending all that out when you could just spend the TWO MILLION on your cause? Am I the only one who thinks this is ridiculous?

Even if you send a nickel. I'm sure you send it to at least a million people. Probably many more, but we'll just go with a million. That's $50,000.00. And when you send out 4 pleas a year, you're up to $200,000! Do you KNOW how many people you can feed for $200,000? You are so agitating and illogical. You make me CRAZY. AND, you won't get a nickel from me. Not even the one you sent me.

Sincerely,
Generous To People With BRAINS

Random Letters

Dear Mr. Sandman,

MUST we have this discussion YET again? You obviously know where I live because my husband sleeps like a baby. Speaking of baby...my son has a new room. Is that throwing you off? Am I always in the bathroom or something when you come around? Because this is gettig ridiculous. Must. Have. Sleep.

Sincerely,

Half Crazed From Insomnia

Dear Dogs,

You are on a short leash, no pun intended. I love you, but I hate the hair, the mess, the stink and all the "gifts" you bring me. I wish you no ill will, but know you will NOT be replaced. Just so ya know...I HATE it when you're on our bed. Daddy lets you, but Mommy is not a fan. Remember that when it's treat time.

Sincerely,

Your Dubious Owner

Dear Hips,

You can stop causing me ridiculous, annoying pain any time now. Really. I got the point. You have arthritis. I, however, have several OTHER issues vying for my attention. I recognize your need for attention, so I am acknowledging you. Now STOP!

Sincerely,

I Got The Point

Dear Espresso Machine,

I love you. You have helped me get through the bleakest of days. Whatever would I do without you? I cannot bear the thought.

Sincerely,

Your Biggest Fan

Dear You-Know-Who,

Thanks for pulling your head out of your butt in time to salvage my sanity.

Much Love,

Me

Dear Jacob,

I know you love your Mommy. You don't have to get out of bed, come into my room and put your tiny little nose in my face 16 times during the night to tell me. While it IS the most precious little nose I have ever seen, at 2 AM, when I've JUST fallen asleep, it's not so precious. Next time, why don't you tell Daddy how much you love him? I'm sure he would love that. And while I love to snuggle, 5 AM isn't exactly the right time. We seriously have to work on that.

Sincerely,
Mommy Who Loves You Forever and Ever and Always

Random Letters

Dear DiSH Network,

Yesterday we cancelled our service. Why, you ask? Because you KEEP sending fliers in the mail, in MY name, showing us how much MORE we're paying by being faithful customers. Bad idea. New customers pay $25.00 less a month for the same service. We call (because you keep sending the d$#% fliers) and ask what you can do for us to keep our patronage. You say $5.00 off a month for 3 months. A grand total of fifteen smackeroos. Fifteen WHOLE dollars over 90 days.

Are you smoking crack kidding?

So we cancel. And I sign up online, in my name, my phone number, and get the new rate.

Until...

Habib "Joe" calls and confirms our order, and asks to set up an installation date. He asks is we've had DiSH network before. I say yes. He asks if it's within 3 months. I say yes (because I don't lie). He says, sorry, you don't qualify for this pricing. So I say then I don't want it. And hang up.

Now. IF you have the balls guts to call me, after my cancellation, and ask what you can do to get my business back, you better have an awful lot of time and some soft toilet paper, because I will rip you a new one. Last time I cancelled you harassed me for months..."What can we do to get you back? What can we do? How about $9.99 a month for 6 decades?" Do us both a favor: lose my number.

And you know what else? You can kiss my bare-naked lily-white arse. I'd rather crawl naked, up hill both ways through broken glass than EVER have your "service" again.

May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels Infest Your Armpits,
An UNsatisfied, Highly Pissed Off EX-Customer


President Obama,

Yesterday on the way to my mother's with my four year old son who likes to use the potty every 10 minutes, we were stopped due to "road work." We were sitting still, not moving an inch for 7 minutes. SEVEN. With a four year old that likes to pee every 10 minutes, that's like 6 hours.

When we FINALLY start moving, we go past a construction "worker" holding a "slow" sign (how appropriate) chewing gum with his mouth wide open like a cow chewing cud. As we continue down the road, passing orange cones every 10 yards in the middle of the road, we see NO construction. ZERO roadwork. Nothing torn up, not on the main road, not on the side roads, NADA.

After about a mile, we pass another construction "worker" holding a "slow" sign. Mmm-hmm.
He's eating trail mix or m&m's or something. Nice. Still no "work" going on. Still passing orange cones, road work signs, and "Be Prepared To Stop" signs.

After 4-5 miles (which is a long flippin' time to have traffic stopped) we leave the "construction" zone. Not even a pebble had been disturbed. So was this like, "practice" construction worker training? Oh, I know...this is your stimulus money hard at work! Yup. Getting about as much done to benefit this country as YOU have done so far. It sure LOOKS like there's a lot going on, but all that's happening is money is getting wasted and people are getting pissed off. Pretty much sums up your days in office.

Stimulate THIS,
Someone Who Didn't Vote for You, Never Will, and Who is Trying to Figure Out the Best Place to Put her "Impeach Obama" Stickers.

In GOD we Trust.

Random Letters

Dear Whoever Made the Flea and Tick Stuff my Molly-dog is Allergic To:

I thought you were supposed to make stuff that killed fleas and ticks, not my DOG! No, Molly isn't really dead, but she had a huge patch shaved off her back and and had this horrible reaction from YOUR product. Maybe you need to re-think your formula, or pound chart or something. AND this was a free sample from the vet! Shame on you.

Sincerely,

Doggie-mom of Patch (aka Molly)

Dear Blackie,

My darling pup. That HUGE, black and red metal thing that goes vroom vroom and drives aroud the yard sometimes is NOT a huge toy for you to play with. You will lose...as you did. Mommy is just glad you are healing so quickly.

Dear PA who First Looked at Jacob's Arm,

You are WONDERFUL with children. My son ALWAYS cries at the doctor, but not with you! Talking about your animals was perfect...he is an animal junkie!

My only concern (s) are 1. you left finger marks in Jacob's cast. My OCD brain is having a difficult time with this. I almost made the bone doc put a new one on yesterday. Somehow, I refrained. 2. Please don't even MENTION surgery if you are not 100% sure it is more than 90% likely. I freaked for no reason.

Many Thanks,

Jacob's Thankful Yet Frightfully OCD Mom

Dear Whoever Makes It Illegal for the Person Who Calls to Tell Me WHY You Need to See My Son at the Hospital ASAP:

You suck. You need to make it illegal for chickies who CAN'T say anything but "how far away is your son? The doctor needs to see you." to even call me in the first place! If someone is going to ask me how far away my son is from the hospital, you damn well better be able to give me more information than that!

So: make it llegal for them to call, or legal for them to tell me everything I need to know to not have a heart attack.

Much Obliged,

Formerly Terrified Mom

More Random Letters

Dear Mr. Sandman,

Dude. It's the big, white farmhouse with the chickens and 2 ducks. And 2 rabbits. You seem to be hitting my husband, but missing me and the child. If you were up for review, it wouldn't be a good one. Can we work on our aim?? This not sleeping past 5 AM thing has got to stop!

Sincerely,
Fog Brain


Dear Mr. President,

Will YOUR family be using your new health care bill? That's what I thought.

Sincerely,
A Chronically Ill Person Who Already Hates Insurance


Dear U.S. Government,

Thank you oh so much for spending my tax dollars on (1) a letter telling me I will be getting a Census and that I must fill it out, and (2) sending me a postcard after the fact to remind me to fill it out.

You also really need to work on your grammar. Especially verb tenses. Just a hint: when you are asking a question that will be taking place in the future, you should use words like "going to", not "were." For example, when you asked me on March 17, 2010 how many people WERE living in my home on April 1, 2010...well...I guess I understand the literacy rate in this country now.

By the way, did you know that the first Census in 1790 cost 1.1 cents per capita? The cost in 2000 per capita? $23.09. Great job. In 2000, you spent $167 MILLION on advertising. What's the total for this one??

Sincerely,
Count Me OUT


Dear MG:

You are starting to tick me off. Why are you acting up so much lately? Stop rearing your ugly monster head and go into remission or something for crying out loud. If you were a person I'd punch you in the face. You're messing up my life and I hate you.

Sincerely,
Me