I am so frustrated with myself right now. I am second guessing so many things. Sometimes, I make mistakes. (Shocking, I know...!) And it takes a while to figure them out. Sometimes, I don't KNOW if I've made a mistake and I'm not sure how to tell.
There have been times, circumstances and situations when I felt like the Holy Spirit was waving a red flag and shouting "Danger Will Robinson! Danger!" and I immediately know to stay away, leave, or not do what I was about to.
But there are other times when I'm confused. I ask God to show me the path, and I don't hear anything. Or I make a decision I think I'm 100% right on, that I have God's approval or consent or whatever, and I end up tripping into a brick wall or hitting a dead end and end up with a shattered heart. Like when Doug and I tried in vitro, and were going to use a surrogate. It was perfect. Or so I thought. I felt at peace with God about it, as did everyone else involved. Never had a red flag, warning sign, caution light, nothing.
And it didn't work and my heart was broken.
I can't understand why God doesn't protect us for some things. I mean, I know we have to go through life living in a broken world, and I get that "sin happens", but if you have a good heart, if you really love the Lord, and if you really want to live for him....I don't always get why He stays silent when all He has to do is say "No." Or "Stop." Or "Not such a good idea."
So how do you know? How do YOU know if you're making wise decisions? Ug. Life. I just wish I was an introverted people-hater. Then I'd be perfectly content out in the middle of Egypt with no friends. (Except for the one that's MOVING in a couple of weeks.....)
{Sigh.}
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1 comment:
I think this is a question that could take a lifetime to answer. I do a lot of what you do, it sounds like. I pray and listen with my heart. Sometimes I feel like I'm heading in the right direction, like God is behind me all the way, and things don't turn out. I have come to believe that when that happens it's not because I wasn't listening or He didn't answer, it's because I thought my direction was going to take me to the ending I wanted. His direction takes me the to the ending I need. Which isn't what I thought going into it, but which turns out to be so much better for me. I don't know if that helps or not. But for me, trusting that He knows better what is best in my life, how to help me grow and be the most I can be, also means trusting when things go His way instead of mine.
I'm sorry for the heartache and pain you've gone through. I hope it becomes a faith promoting experience or one that shows how strong you are or one that helps you help others -- whatever direction God hopes to use you. May you find moments of peace and happiness even in the middle of the storm.
Thank you for this post. It was nice for me to think about.
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