Random Letters

Dear Boxelder Bugs,

You are hideous and I hate you! You don't seem to annoy anyone in the house but me. I do not want you near me! Do not crawl on me, do a "fly-by" my face, or land on my table. Go away! You're a bug. You're supposed to live OUTSIDE and do buggy things. And since you live on almost every flippin' tree within one square mile of my house, you have PLENTY to choose from. If you MUST stay, know that this. means. war. My dogs love to eat you, and I will do everything in my power to knock you on the floor so they can devour you (insert evil laugh).

Sincerely,
Boxelder Bug Battler



Dear Rituxan Infusion Scheduler,

Thank you for getting me in so quickly. But 8 AM? Seriously? We live 3 hours away! Because I am confident that this medication will put me into remission, I'll let it go, this time.

Sincerely,
Not An Early Riser


Dear Mailman,

Could you bring me something other than catalogs I don't want and junk mail? I love getting the mail. Moreso than the average bear. It's kind of a weird thing, I suppose...like my office supply addiction. But that's another story. Anyway. A nice package or letter or card would be awesome. See what you can do. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Snail Mail Junkie


Dear Charities That Send Cash or Checks In Your Plea For Money,

I will NOT send you money on principle. I won't even send your check back. Once I even cashed it because you make me so angry. If you send out 1 million letters with a $2.00 check in each envelope, and everyone cashed them (since they are made out to the person you send it to), you would be out TWO MILLION DOLLARS. Why don't you spare yourselves the time and money of sending all that out when you could just spend the TWO MILLION on your cause? Am I the only one who thinks this is ridiculous?

Even if you send a nickel. I'm sure you send it to at least a million people. Probably many more, but we'll just go with a million. That's $50,000.00. And when you send out 4 pleas a year, you're up to $200,000! Do you KNOW how many people you can feed for $200,000? You are so agitating and illogical. You make me CRAZY. AND, you won't get a nickel from me. Not even the one you sent me.

Sincerely,
Generous To People With BRAINS